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The Top 7... worst jobs for game characters

Oct 29, 2007

Everyone wants to be a hero. We don't play games to come in second or fawn over other people's abilities - no, we play to win. To conquer. To finish first. That's why all of our favorite characters have such fantastic jobs, from secret agent to bounty hunter to professional demon eater. But what about those poor bastards who make the video game world possible?

They get the shit jobs, of course. They're all unremarkable slobs who've failed to stand out in any way whatsoever. That's why they're digging our bottomless pits and cleaning up our messes. If you were to peruse one of the "Help Wanted" ads for the gaming world, it would be a dark, desperate list of jobs so awful that no one in their right mind would accept them.

But somebody has to. And these are the worst.



Wanted: Fantasy Wench

Job description: Primary duties would include standing around looking completely comfortable in metal underwear. Must love shards of steel crammed right up the crack of your ass, as well as engaging dragons in fierce battle while wearing highly sexy stilettos. Cannot be muscular; applicant must be rail thin with a huge rack, yet also able to easily swing a two-handed axe with one hand. The other hand will be busy servicing Conan.

Send resumes to: Champions of Norrath, Untold Legends, Guild Wars, Soulcalibur

Suckage factor: Moderate. You get plenty of (impractical) clothing and free housing, plus meals and lots of exercise. It's just that you're eye candy for every drunken idiot from here to Baron von Skullington's tavern.

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14 comments

  • santaclouse37 - November 18, 2010 12:48 a.m.

    The only Fatality that ever really genuinely disturbed me was the one where Ermac slams his own head against the ground until it explodes. That shit was creepy long before Dead Space copied it in the one corridor bit.
  • BurntToShreds - August 21, 2010 5:07 a.m.

    Manny: I believe that the turtle boss is from Contra 3 for the SNES.
  • WesJones87 - August 17, 2010 2:49 p.m.

    The fatality video was B-E-A-Utiful!
  • Da-Ku - August 31, 2008 6:01 p.m.

    The Comment System Is Good But Not I Have To Go Back To Every Article I Read And Say "Great Article"... *sigh*
  • Manny-Faces - December 9, 2008 4:09 a.m.

    what games the turtle first boss from again im having a brain fart any1? and good article never looked at games like this before.
  • Hurricrane - December 9, 2008 3:24 a.m.

    rofls, RPG villains only serve mute spiked hair dudes XD
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - December 1, 2008 11:38 p.m.

    Keep fighting the good fight, Da-Ku.
  • killemall - March 25, 2009 7:30 p.m.

    its been along time since i've wanted to play motal kombat... but the gruesomeness just makes me want more. I thirst for fatalities~~~
  • runninglizard55 - February 25, 2009 3:52 a.m.

    wow the mortal kombat video was great makes me remember why my mom wouldn't get the game for me when i was in the third and forth grade
  • dougle - January 12, 2009 12:57 p.m.

    great artical
  • Remake - July 7, 2009 4:13 p.m.

    I had to stop the movie after 2 minutes of Mortal Kombat fatalities... that's too much brutal violence for my eyes.
  • dewfish - May 23, 2009 9 p.m.

    the enemy who starts off big and bad and slowly becomes laughable as the game wears on is mostly found in RPGs. Remeber the giant snake in the desert in FFVII? The first time you face him, tough as nails. You get to disc 3 or disc 4 and return to that desert, you can kill him with one hit.
  • MOOSE1234 - April 5, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    aww..last...so far...good article lol at plumber one
  • dougle - January 12, 2009 1 p.m.

    oops *article...lol what a noob

Showing 1-14 of 14 comments

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