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The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

If there’s one thing us gamers like more than freezing our knackers off during midnight launches, it’s complaining. Everything sucks anyway, so we might as well hate on that clipping on level nine or how Nintendo ‘don’t get us’ anymore. So in honour of how rubbish games and everything about them clearly are, we present the top trends we all really, really, really love to bitch about.

Warning: The following article may contain near toxic levels of sarcasm.


7. Review scores

All reviews scores can neatly be broken down into three categories. Category the first: the game scored way too high because the reviewer/magazine/website is bent and being paid off by Microsoft/Sony/Nintendo/EA/Activision/Weyland Yutani. Category the second: the game scored way too low because the reviewer/magazine/website is ‘exactly-what-we-just-typed-and-can’t-be-assed-doing-again’. Category the third: the score is alright… we suppose, but the words are all wrong.


Above: Developers take note - all reviewers can be bought off with crisp sandwiches

Let’s be honest, there’s no way any review can ever please everyone. They are, after all, mere subjective opinions. Try telling that to the ‘nets, though and our (and almost certainly our mother’s good name) will be torn to pieces. And there’s nothing Johnny Angry Forum Poster loves more than informing the entire world that a writer deserves his pink slip for scoring Extreme Earwig Racing 42% instead of 43%.


Above: A sackable offence if ever there was one


6. Shit games selling better than 'proper' games

Curse the injustice of existence. How the hell can Okami sell fewer copies than Big Boobed Extreme Sports Racer?! When will the great unwashed start buying the games that deserve their cash, rather than wasting it all on the ones with the shiny boxes and tits on the cover? They’re killing the industry and putting all those pioneering, visionary developers out of business. Most of whom probably have kids and adorable budgies to feed.


Above: Buy Valve's games, poor Gabe's got hungry mouths to feed

We’ll hastily cover over the fact we’ve all probably been suckered in by that big licensed game at one time or another. Because our hearts are in the right place the other 99.9% of the time. True gamers only buy and support 90%+ scoring games that have budgets smaller than a soup kitchen. Buy even one game with a MetaCritic average of under 84 and we’ve automatically delivered a blow to every single indie game in development. A blow that’ll no doubt force every one into sales obscurity and see their workforces begging under bridges.


Above: Yup, this is what happens when you don't take our purchasing advice

Topics

Top 7

83 comments

  • Strangleme - March 29, 2010 3:22 a.m.

    Amazing Top 7!!! Fuck non gamers!!!
  • DriveShaft - March 28, 2010 8:21 p.m.

    Weyland-Yutani, I was just watching Alien O.o
  • AVenGer777 - March 27, 2010 12:56 a.m.

    yea xbox suck's and GamesRadar is the best
  • AVenGer777 - March 27, 2010 12:55 a.m.

    yea xbox suck's and GamesRadar is the best
  • Alain - March 26, 2010 1:51 p.m.

    I agree with number 5 and im pretty sure alout of ous do.
  • Strangleme - March 26, 2010 10:37 a.m.

    I can't wait to hear them discuss this on Talkradar.
  • SailorCallie - March 25, 2010 10:35 p.m.

    I have one word to describe Uwe Boil: DUMBKOFF!!!!
  • FinderKeeper - March 24, 2010 3:20 a.m.

    The article mentioned Okami, but not God Hand. So, I hate it. I might even waterboard it. Or take it hunting and shoot it in the face. Viva (Week of) Hate!
  • thephntm - March 24, 2010 1:25 a.m.

    It depends on the game the motion control is in. Zack and Wiki was phenomenal, and it was mostly motion control. I agree about the casual game thing, though. That and flying war games. But my #1 gamer hate has to be when non-gamers think they know what they're talking about. My cousin almost bought Tony Hawk: RIDE, but then I told him it blows, and he still almost bought it anyway.
  • Tochy - March 23, 2010 11:41 p.m.

    wheres mw2
  • Metroidhunter32 - March 23, 2010 10:34 p.m.

    Just to piss you off, the movie game Sky Crawlers Innocent Aces got a 9 from YOU. So I'd say that was a good movie tie in, even if the connection to the movie is token, and outisde of Japan, it's an obscure movie.
  • GodofPS314 - March 23, 2010 10:11 p.m.

    Uwe Boll's next movie... Wii Sports: The Tournament. LOL. Oh btw a bit hypocrite? We all know IW paid you for the 10 on MW2.
  • JamesTQuest - March 23, 2010 8:25 p.m.

    Now THIS is an article I can get behind. Well played.
  • fattoler - March 23, 2010 7:47 p.m.

    Uwe Boll is the enemy, Uwe Boll was always the enemy.
  • d0x - March 23, 2010 7:22 p.m.

    While its true Goldeneye was probably the 1st good tie in game there is another... Both the original and remake of The Chronicles of Riddick are amazing!
  • Nocturne989 - March 23, 2010 7:09 p.m.

    WEEK OF HATE!!! nuff said
  • ScorpioMaurus - March 23, 2010 4:19 p.m.

    I gotta say my top things would have to be non-gamers because they constantly talk to you while you're focusing (or trying too for god's sake) And trying to explain something in the game is like trying to sink a helium balloon under water. But my number one hated thing is EA games because they take some of the greatest games and ruin them by giving us a faulty product and then no proper customer support. I bought Dragon age when it was new only to find out about the serious memory leak issue with certain Quads. Now here I am almost 5 months later updated with all the patches they released and still no fix I have to shut it down about every hour or so so get decent performance. I hate game companies in general who release faulty games riddled with bugs. How could a company like EA arguably one of the biggest in the world not have tested that game on an AMD Quad? Seriously? It's interesting that companies like Capcom can put out games so flawless that they never need to be patched but a much bigger company like EA can't be bothered to make certain the customers get a $60 product they can use. Our family experienced that with Sims 2 as well the expansion FreeTime had some minor glitches that when "fixed" made the game unable to load and it had a grand total of 3 patches before it started working, Sad. And since it's release in Sept of 2005 Sims 2 Nightlife EP still has a huge error where Vampire's fangs glow blue and float over their heads. In order to fix it you need to download a CC from Cyjon. Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't that the company's responsibility?
  • PhantomDave - March 23, 2010 3:59 p.m.

    I believe....in all honesty...that Uwe Boll is a casual non-gamer. LOL
  • rxb - March 23, 2010 1:43 p.m.

    The Postal movie is kinda funny. Rip off DLC isnt.
  • swishpronoob - March 23, 2010 1:26 p.m.

    I actually thought one of his movies was ok, a movie called Tunnel Rats. It might still be on netflix instant watch for those curious.

Showing 1-20 of 83 comments

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