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If there’s one thing us gamers like more than freezing our knackers off during midnight launches, it’s complaining. Everything sucks anyway, so we might as well hate on that clipping on level nine or how Nintendo ‘don’t get us’ anymore. So in honour of how rubbish games and everything about them clearly are, we present the top trends we all really, really, really love to bitch about.
Warning: The following article may contain near toxic levels of sarcasm.
All reviews scores can neatly be broken down into three categories. Category the first: the game scored way too high because the reviewer/magazine/website is bent and being paid off by Microsoft/Sony/Nintendo/EA/Activision/Weyland Yutani. Category the second: the game scored way too low because the reviewer/magazine/website is ‘exactly-what-we-just-typed-and-can’t-be-assed-doing-again’. Category the third: the score is alright… we suppose, but the words are all wrong.
Above: Developers take note - all reviewers can be bought off with crisp sandwiches
Let’s be honest, there’s no way any review can ever please everyone. They are, after all, mere subjective opinions. Try telling that to the ‘nets, though and our (and almost certainly our mother’s good name) will be torn to pieces. And there’s nothing Johnny Angry Forum Poster loves more than informing the entire world that a writer deserves his pink slip for scoring Extreme Earwig Racing 42% instead of 43%.
Above: A sackable offence if ever there was one
Curse the injustice of existence. How the hell can Okami sell fewer copies than Big Boobed Extreme Sports Racer?! When will the great unwashed start buying the games that deserve their cash, rather than wasting it all on the ones with the shiny boxes and tits on the cover? They’re killing the industry and putting all those pioneering, visionary developers out of business. Most of whom probably have kids and adorable budgies to feed.
Above: Buy Valve's games, poor Gabe's got hungry mouths to feed
We’ll hastily cover over the fact we’ve all probably been suckered in by that big licensed game at one time or another. Because our hearts are in the right place the other 99.9% of the time. True gamers only buy and support 90%+ scoring games that have budgets smaller than a soup kitchen. Buy even one game with a MetaCritic average of under 84 and we’ve automatically delivered a blow to every single indie game in development. A blow that’ll no doubt force every one into sales obscurity and see their workforces begging under bridges.
Above: Yup, this is what happens when you don't take our purchasing advice