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The Top 7… Games you don’t want for Christmas 2010

If your family celebrates Christmas (the commercial one, not the Jesus one), there should be a stack of gaudy paper-covered boxes somewhere in your house. And if your parents love you, some of those boxes should be small, thin, and rectangular, with a little groove on one edge, and a slight rattle when shaken.

If not, well, sorry… have fun being marginalized for a week. But if you are one of the lucky little boys or girls who Santa Claus, God King of Amazon.com, has chosen to offer a brand-new game this Christmas, you’d better hope he chose the right one. It’s not that all of these games are bad - we just think that they’re the most likely to disappoint hopeful game-receivers. And if that happens, this could be the worst Christmas ever (excluding almost everyone else in the world’s Christmas).


Above: Someone has been reading too many rage comics at work. Guess who?  Pppppfffffttttitsme!


7. Metroid: Other M (Wii)

Your good-intentioned relative thought:  You’ve got other Metroid games. This one is new. Goodbye GameStop, hello glossy, vaguely-Chinese plate of General Tso's chicken from the food court.

Why you don’t want it: Other M is good, but it doesn’t match the greatness of previous Metroid titles. Even so, if you love Metroid, you’re going to play it. You probably already did.

If you haven’t played it yet, there’s a chance you just like Metroid, in which case Other M is a four-month-old distraction from all of the other, better Wii games that came out this year.

Had it been released a couple years ago, that statement would be hard to back up, but 2010 was a (relatively) strong year for the Wii. You probably want Donkey Kong Country Returns, Kirby’s Epic Yarn, or Super Mario Galaxy 2. Then, maybe Other M... or Epic Mickey, CoD: Black Ops, or Goldeneye. Then Other M… or maybe Red Steel 2, Tatsunoko vs Capcom, NBA Jam, or No More Heroes 2…

Unless… The following is all it takes to convince you:


6. Anything involving Kinect (360)

Your good-intentioned relative thought: It’s the Big New Thing. You may have even asked for it.

Why you don’t want it: Whether or not you’re itching to try it out, you don’t want Kinect for Christmas. Not for Christmas. After moving the coffee table, finding somewhere to balance the camera, and calibrating the thing, guess what? It isn’t your present anymore.

You don’t get to hide away in your room with a brand-new Kinect unit. It's not just for you, it's for everyone. And maybe Christmas is all about coming together as a family or whatever, but as far as we're concerned, after the presents are opened, it's about selfish indulgence.

See illustration 1.1 for further explanation:

And it isn’t like there are many games out that you’d actually want in the first place. Enjoy Dance Central until you get tired of it. Then what?

Unless… You are your little sister. But that's weird.

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115 comments

  • Slayer11496 - December 5, 2011 7:46 p.m.

    alan wake awesome, lmao for 007 "poker face"
  • CanadianBeaverHunter - January 1, 2011 3:20 p.m.

    I can't say anything bad about Blur. Maybe my vision is blurred from playing it so long, but I loved it.
  • shadowreaper72 - December 25, 2010 1:39 a.m.

    I completly disagree about Alan Wake. Sure u may get a crap load of ammo so it feels more like a shooter than a survival horror but bring in the awesome Stephen King like storyline, intense dark atmosphere, and a fat dude named Barry who provides comic relief, and this game is golden! As for the rest yeah ill agree with ya there.
  • Hydrohs - December 25, 2010 1:04 a.m.

    I laughed so much at the Blood Stone entry. And the the Power Gig entry. Fantastic work, Tyler.
  • Felixthecat - December 24, 2010 9:02 p.m.

    Pictures of Samus is enough to convince me. I'm off to buy Other M now.
  • AndyGiff93 - December 24, 2010 4:44 p.m.

    Haha, brilliant
  • Sukharevskaya - December 23, 2010 9:19 p.m.

    GooodNESS! the bloodstone part is frickin hilarious.
  • egregious - December 23, 2010 8:05 p.m.

    I still have yet to progress past Channel 2/Episode 2/Scene 2/Act 2/Zone 2 of Alan Wake. Whoops. I asked for NFS: Hot Pursuit. A winner is me?
  • ensabahnur - December 23, 2010 3:36 p.m.

    You hsould just do entire articles like the bloodstone section. Hilarious.
  • wastedspace - December 23, 2010 3:20 p.m.

    TYLER Y U NO VIDEO TOP 7??????
  • YoshiAteMyBaby - December 22, 2010 9:51 p.m.

    Oh Tyler...you've been spending too much time on 4chan, haven't you? Actually this article made me shudder because a few of the things listed are close to what I always get from my well-meaning dad. Other things on the list (like Alan Wake) are perfect examples of games I'd actually love to get because I've bought most of the games I really wanted already for the year and I enjoy getting something for Christmas that I'm interested in but not interested enough to buy for myself.
  • BarbwireTino - December 22, 2010 6:29 p.m.

    That's what you little sister looks like? That old guy it the Santa Hat playing the kinect? Sad.
  • nai1210 - December 22, 2010 3:54 a.m.

    good article,enjoyed it,what i'm not enjoying is xboxwarriorx is this guy real,or is someone having a laugh?
  • jesusfrk15 - December 22, 2010 2:11 a.m.

    gamesradar fell into the rage comic trend... for shame
  • soren7550 - December 22, 2010 1:10 a.m.

    Holy christ, the Blood Stone pics are hilariously epic! I think I found my next wallpaper.
  • Clovin64 - December 22, 2010 1:01 a.m.

    Blood stone pics made me lol, hard. Also, I'd like to mention that I'm not getting any game-related gifts for Xmas. I just wanted socks.
  • ViolentLee - December 21, 2010 10:30 p.m.

    Alan Wake's on my Top 10 list this year. Unless you absolutely NEED nonstop action, you'll enjoy it.
  • humpiedumpie - December 21, 2010 9:37 p.m.

    Don't agree with Alan Wake, the article was fun though :)
  • FNG - December 21, 2010 8:49 p.m.

    Newfag
  • RichieT1000 - December 21, 2010 8:48 p.m.

    That GT5 video was hilarious! I disagree with Alan Wake though.

Showing 1-20 of 115 comments

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