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If your family celebrates Christmas (the commercial one, not the Jesus one), there should be a stack of gaudy paper-covered boxes somewhere in your house. And if your parents love you, some of those boxes should be small, thin, and rectangular, with a little groove on one edge, and a slight rattle when shaken.
If not, well, sorry… have fun being marginalized for a week. But if you are one of the lucky little boys or girls who Santa Claus, God King of Amazon.com, has chosen to offer a brand-new game this Christmas, you’d better hope he chose the right one. It’s not that all of these games are bad - we just think that they’re the most likely to disappoint hopeful game-receivers. And if that happens, this could be the worst Christmas ever (excluding almost everyone else in the world’s Christmas).
Above: Someone has been reading too many rage comics at work. Guess who? Pppppfffffttttitsme!
Your good-intentioned relative thought: You’ve got other Metroid games. This one is new. Goodbye GameStop, hello glossy, vaguely-Chinese plate of General Tso's chicken from the food court.
Why you don’t want it: Other M is good, but it doesn’t match the greatness of previous Metroid titles. Even so, if you love Metroid, you’re going to play it. You probably already did.
If you haven’t played it yet, there’s a chance you just like Metroid, in which case Other M is a four-month-old distraction from all of the other, better Wii games that came out this year.
Had it been released a couple years ago, that statement would be hard to back up, but 2010 was a (relatively) strong year for the Wii. You probably want Donkey Kong Country Returns, Kirby’s Epic Yarn, or Super Mario Galaxy 2. Then, maybe Other M... or Epic Mickey, CoD: Black Ops, or Goldeneye. Then Other M… or maybe Red Steel 2, Tatsunoko vs Capcom, NBA Jam, or No More Heroes 2…
Unless… The following is all it takes to convince you:
Your good-intentioned relative thought: It’s the Big New Thing. You may have even asked for it.
Why you don’t want it: Whether or not you’re itching to try it out, you don’t want Kinect for Christmas. Not for Christmas. After moving the coffee table, finding somewhere to balance the camera, and calibrating the thing, guess what? It isn’t your present anymore.
You don’t get to hide away in your room with a brand-new Kinect unit. It's not just for you, it's for everyone. And maybe Christmas is all about coming together as a family or whatever, but as far as we're concerned, after the presents are opened, it's about selfish indulgence.
See illustration 1.1 for further explanation:
And it isn’t like there are many games out that you’d actually want in the first place. Enjoy Dance Central until you get tired of it. Then what?
Unless… You are your little sister. But that's weird.