The secretly sinister storylines of your favourite games

Think you're always playing the good guy? Yeah right. A little simplification is all it takes to show up the moral bankruptcy and social deviancy lurking within the game plots we all know and love. Boil things down to their basic narrative elements and a dark side will bubble reekingly to the surface of even the most innocent story. Read on and find out the kind of horrors you've really been partaking in.

And when you're done here, click over to postmodernbarney, whose movie plot summaries inspired us to give video games the same treatment. Hey, we can't have all the good ideas on the internet, after all.

A sleeper agent causes the downfall of a rightful ruler, collapses the local social structure, then leaves and takes young girls with him.

A man lures attractive women to his home on false pretenses. They like it, decide to stay and remove their clothes.

A zealous military man kills visiting foreign dignitaries.

A has-been former star reacts violently to the cancellation of his contract.

A mentally divergent 39-year-old man earns the trust of a terminally ill 14-year-old girl and other disaffected children. He then takes them far away from home.

A young girl is sexually abused, then treated with prejudice and contempt.

A troubled youth with delusions of military glory gains control of a terrorist group under false pretenses.

Colonists destroy their new home with war, kill the natives and waste natural resources. A convicted war criminal is praised as a hero.

A disgruntled employee murders his boss and co-workers before attempting suicide. He earns a promotion.

A scientist bungles an experiment with horrific results and greets the repercussions with violence.

A disgraced former scientist wages a campaign of terror against the government and endangers the populace with the sabotage of a power reactor.

A military man uses pronounced physical advantages to kill thousands over religious differences.

A serial murderer claims repentance through religion, but goes back to his old ways as soon as money is short.

An irresponsible drunk causes gross damage to public property, then makes his offspring clear up his mess.

A youth steals historical artifacts and descrates ancient monuments, then assists a notorious thief in doing similar.

A government puppet kills wronged military veterans.

An out-of-work children's entertainer scrabbles in the ground for food.

A disaffected loner embarks on a killing spree. He also sexually harrasses a female colleague. He is known to enjoy videogames, anime and internet use.

An obese compulsive eater gains a sense of empowerment through drug use.

A foreign invader enslaves indiginous people. Many die doing his bidding.

Children snare wild animals and train them to fight each other in order to gain the respect of their peers.

An employee breaks professional protocol and causes the destruction of company property.

A headstrong young royal brings trouble to his country in the aftermath of overseas aggression.

A gun-toting American visits a developing nation and loots valuable natural resources while shooting defensive natives. He does so for the sake of freedom.

A disturbed wife-murderer goes on town-wide rampage, killing female health workers.

A blue-collar worker becomes obsessed with a female dignitary. He embarks on a long journey and assaults numerous royal employees in order to gain personal contact with her.

A blue collar worker aggressively chases wildlife in his car.

A privileged aristocrat plunders developing countries, killing endangered local wildlife along the way.

Animals are snared, farmed, fed to each other, and eventually sold to be killed for the amusement of children.

A man breaks into a house, raids the basement for valuable posessions and is venerated for his efforts.

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  • american-idiot367 - February 21, 2010 12:13 a.m.

    u forgot to add that mario takes shrooms and goes on trips :)
  • Fearthylogic - July 21, 2009 7:55 a.m.

    Team Fortress 2 Hundreds of men fight and die in a bloody war over differences of color
  • LIFExDEATH - June 28, 2009 1:48 p.m.

    ROTFLOL, pikmin was awsome! and pokemon.....made me cry, and FF VII, that i did not understand well.... !mario!
  • Defiance - June 19, 2009 6:43 a.m.

    If people are promoting the evil while playing a good character, are they promoting good when playing a bad one?
  • jar-head - June 15, 2009 5:17 p.m.

    but, Pikman was pretty damn funny interpretation lmao, i would have gone with " One man creates an army of ticks to kill all insects and vermin alike, while murdering the bird population in search of bottle caps and cigarette boxes...Later comming back with an protege to do it all over again
  • jar-head - June 15, 2009 5:14 p.m.

    Gears of war, colonists? I Dont think so... Colonizing planets requires space tech, i have not seen one flying craft, other then a King Raven. Plus, if the shit got so bad, someone would have thought of this: "use the Death star and Obliterate the planet, along with the Horde" I think GoW is more like Earth settings, but with monsters, no space tech yet...
  • Yellowhat17 - June 15, 2009 4:53 a.m.

    Ha, ha! That was great! Also: Ico- A teenager abducts a young girl and brutally murders other members of the girls household before leaving.
  • gatornation1254 - June 15, 2009 2:17 a.m.

    It turns out most video game characters are rapists, drug addicts, and/or religious zealots who would have guessed. reCaptcha: Artis larz
  • Dameon Angell - June 14, 2009 8:42 a.m.

    Lmao no no no. Super Mario Brothers: Blue collar worker goes on a turtle genocide while feeding his shroom binge.
  • FETALJUICE - June 13, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    Epic article.
  • mertor3190 - June 13, 2009 10:06 p.m.

    Good stuff
  • gamemaster100 - June 13, 2009 9:25 p.m.

  • DeathByGamer - June 13, 2009 6:29 p.m.

    Ha, this was hilarious. The link to the movie article was great as well. Thanks a bunch!
  • Cyberninja - June 13, 2009 3:08 p.m.

    now that you exsposed my secret of making games evil i have to kill you (JK)
  • smallberry - June 13, 2009 9:30 a.m.

    The Zork entry was the best. Reduced a good few years of my life to robbing a house.
  • Vagrant - June 13, 2009 3:18 a.m.

    Halo one was the funniest. Because murdering thousands of people is always comedy gold!
  • civver - June 13, 2009 3:04 a.m.

    Gears of War (the best) and Halo made me LOL. But why did you have to change some plots too much? Gordon Freeman wasn't "disgraced" in HL2, he was even worshipped. There's a freakin stained glass church window with his face on it. Too bad the Tomb Raider one actually describes the real plot.
  • NanoElite666 - June 13, 2009 3:01 a.m.

    Great article. Very much enjoyed reading it.
  • nutella - June 13, 2009 2:49 a.m.

    bad pac man bad
  • noofer7 - June 13, 2009 1:46 a.m.

    that was short

Showing 1-20 of 63 comments

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