Google+

The most ridiculous game box quotes ever

Please, never pick up a game you've never heard of and assume that it must be decent because some big publication said that it was "groundbreaking" or "a rollercoaster ride." Even if we said it.

Except in rare cases when they are pulled from early reviews, or when they appear on re-released editions of games, the quotes on the box come from previews. What is a preview, exactly? A preview is what's written after a bunch of PR people show off the best parts of a game, explain how conceptually brilliant it's all going to be, and tell the writer that the horrible glitches are "being ironed out."

There is thus a tendency for previews to contain a great deal of gross exaggerations. It's not malicious - writers don't open up their word processors and think, "I'm going to completely overhype this bitch!" - it's just the nature of the system. Previews are based on a writer's sincere desire for a game to be good and the publisher's ability to make it look good. And, if all the brilliant innovations turn out to be plumes of smoke, justice usually comes as a scathing review.

But by the time the review is out, quotes like these have already been printed on every box...

The only things that may have ever shattered my perception of reality have been psychedelic drugs, and I'd still have a hard time saying they really "shattered" anything.

Stranglehold... Gears of War... Stranglehold... Gears of War. Sorry GamePro, but on a scale of "slow-motion doves" to "more awesomeness," Gears is at more awesomeness, and Stranglehold is at about 3.2 doves. Doves diseased with repetitive gameplay, finicky controls and lame multiplayer.

A change of pace? Like, you mean, slow? This isn't just a change of pace, it's a horse as opposed to a machine. A really fast machine, with wheels... you know, fun?


Above: Weeeeeeeeeee...

Psst... "Stuntman ROCKS!" is two words. And if you just meant "rocks," well, I don't know what geological formations have to do with the game.

If there's a more overused oxymoron in existence, I don't know what it is. Here's something you might not have expected, EGM: you gave the game 5.7/10, and your sister site, 1up, gave it a D+, saying "it makes you want to chew your arm off."

We Recommend By ZergNet

73 comments

  • FeathersMcgraw - July 4, 2010 11:18 p.m.

    "11/10, article of the year!"
  • Ironmaus - July 3, 2010 1:16 a.m.

    Well, they certainly over sold it, but 40 Winks was pretty fun. It had that costume-switching element that runs through most Mario games since SMB3, and one of the costumes was a ninja. Totally charming.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - July 1, 2010 8:42 p.m.

    Ahahahahaha. Oh Rolling Stone, you crack me up.
  • Vitoruss1 - June 30, 2010 9:21 p.m.

    I really, really liked Alter Echo... :'(
  • mrmorozov987 - June 1, 2010 2:34 a.m.

    Now I feel like a dumbass because I have that Stuntman box, and I never noticed what was wrong with that quote. Thanks.
  • mrmorozov987 - June 1, 2010 2:28 a.m.

    I remember reading the GTA quote at Walmart and thinking "WTF"? But the ending to that... perfect. Just perfect.
  • Failureisinevitable - November 7, 2009 3:11 a.m.

    "Latest post in the article, and yet it's STILL an epic one. Just because it has a quote from me on it!" -Failure
  • CptCHARLES - November 2, 2008 9:30 p.m.

    Am I the only one who thinks that Tyler is too literal? I mean, in response to Stuntman ROCKS!, he says "I don't know what geological features have to do with video games". Honestly, either he's an idiot for not knowing that rocks is often used to mean "it's good/great" or he just couldn't find anything else wrong with that quote.
  • K9unittp - October 30, 2008 5:41 p.m.

    (uh ya sry tyler) you forgot to mention that fact that every GTA game is exactly the same. the only difference being that sometimes there is a new city or a new character or new graphics but other than that repetitive missions, repetitive combat, repetitive story, hell even the same box art (new photos though) only GTA 4 accually was interesting being that they almost completly remade the game but even that is repetitive......you know what this accually has nothing to do with the topic of this article. i think im just venting fumes.
  • Nitemarish - October 29, 2008 3:33 p.m.

    I played 40 Winks. It sucked.
  • CAPST3R - October 28, 2008 11:53 a.m.

    KISS MY ASS HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!
  • crazyqazqaz - October 27, 2008 9:46 p.m.

    What are you guys on about? Are you taking the piss? 40 Winks obviously trashed Mario!! I mean, look who's a global gaming icon, it's..... wait ..... what?? NO WAY!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!
  • GodlikeApe - October 27, 2008 10:07 a.m.

    Liked the article. Impressed at an American knowing of Red Dwarf. Mighty.
  • TheWebSwinger - October 27, 2008 4:48 a.m.

    REALLY good article. Must have taken you for-fucking-EVER to write. Nitpick: Isn't Peter Travers (Rolling Stone movie reviewer) notoriously harsh on movies? Just sayin'.
  • fluentinsarcasm - October 26, 2008 9:16 p.m.

    You forgot the game Ikaruga... "Our frothing demand for this game INCREASES." -IGN.com Big bold letters, right on the front cover.
  • kamikaz3e124 - October 26, 2008 5:18 p.m.

    I still can't believe Nintendo Magizine chose a less popular game such as 40 Winks over their own mascot.
  • Poke_trainer - October 26, 2008 3:45 p.m.

    actually, I thought jak and daxter was really good back then and had lots of fun playing it. The quote was unnecessary though.
  • Cwf2008 - October 25, 2008 8:32 p.m.

    Rofl that was freaken hilarious. Especially the GTA one
  • J-spit - October 25, 2008 7:56 p.m.

    Funny stuff.
  • smallberry - October 25, 2008 7:32 p.m.

    Oh man a Red Dwarf movie...a justified Rolling Stone review. Great article. More.

Showing 1-20 of 73 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000

OR…

Connect with Facebook

Log in using Facebook to share comments, games, status update and other activity easily with your Facebook feed.