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The etiquette of gaming like a MAN

Hey you! This isn’t a warm, squishy top ten list for you to read between coffee breaks and fun. This is a lifestyle, and it’s better than the one you already have. Print out this list and put it next to your TV. Also, put it in the bathroom, tape it to the back of your girlfriend, hide one where you least suspect it and get a tiny version to tape to the inside of your sunglasses.

If you’re a child of the ‘80s, you may have noticed that gaming isn’t a hardcore hobby for a niche group anymore. Everyone games, and the average game’s difficulty has changed to reflect that. Little kids, your mom and the old people in Wii commercials all play BioShock on normal. So you need to play on hard.

Stand up proudly, punch normalness in its unremarkable balls and proclaim from the rock bottom of your curly-covered chest, “I’m [insert your name here], and I play games on hard because I’m a man (or woman)!” Good job! Now read the rest of the rules.

No computer is going to tell you how to game.

If you’re playing an action game, it plays like an action game:

And if you’re playing an RPG, it uses RPG controls:

We could go on, but we won’t because we know you already know how to play, right?

Recent games have attempted to infringe on your masculinity by cleverly disguising the tutorial as gameplay. Don’t be fooled. If your first mission is “boot camp,” “graduation,” or simply isn’t butt clinchingly difficult, mash the X button, ignore the dialogue and run forward until something explodes.

Splattering blood, body-part specific-damage and pants-tenting explosions are great. But you may not be aware that the current generation of games also has remarkably detailed environments. Or so we’ve been told. Here are some things we’ve never noticed while playing a game:

If you’ve seen any of these, you’re playing the game wrong. The object of any game is to win, and if you want to be a man, your job is to win better and harder than the other guy. That means no dallying around remarking on the architecture’s influences from the Romanic period. Take off the beret and haul ass. You’ve got a boss to kill.

In most cases, an inflated gamerscore is a result of playing too much Avatar: The Last Airbender, TMNT or whatever else it is that casual gamers are into, and frankly, we have no idea what that is. All of our Achievements are from playing Ikaruga on hard.


Above: This guy has 32,560 points

Raise your hand if you think that shooting someone does more damage than hitting them with the butt of your gun. OK, now everyone look around and remember whose hand is in the air. Now point, laugh and refer to their arm strength condescendingly. If this doesn’t shame them enough, try adding the suffix “ette” to the end of their names to make them sound dainty.

92 comments

  • batmanboy11 - December 2, 2010 3:58 a.m.

    This may be the greatest article ever written.
  • Chaoscoolperson - November 6, 2010 2:10 a.m.

    I saw 1 real tip in this list. It was still HILARIOUS!!!!!!
  • wiitard07 - February 28, 2010 5:20 p.m.

    but if I melt off my bumpers I cant play Bioshock and Bioshock is pretty damn manly
  • AnonymouZ - February 27, 2010 11:46 p.m.

    lul, so goddamn good, i almost thought i wasn't a man cuz of the so much laughing... but then i just hacked and spit twice to make up for it
  • TheSugarRay - February 27, 2010 7:37 p.m.

    *grunt* Use invereted, it's the only way it makes sense. I beat Red steel with the pistol.
  • Hellwilder - February 27, 2010 2:48 a.m.

    @RanTheAwesome For the sake of god, those are only jokes! Nobody is so stupid to follow the freaking tips. Criticizing some jokes is just lame in my opinion
  • RanTheAwesome - February 19, 2010 12:58 p.m.

    As much as I'd like to play on Hard, I won't. I don't need to prove I'm HARDCOREZ, you know, so I just stick to Normal in hopes of finishing the game early and avoiding the need to use vulgar profanity, in which my mom will shout to me and tell me to 'watch my language'. For 2, I use the tutorial, only if the game tells you which button to use, but only when it's a new type of game I've never played. Once again, don't need to prove I'm HARDCORZ. Exploring the environment doesn't make one less of a gamer, and just because someone loves detail and is fascinated at how well the game does it, doesn't make someone a N00b. 4 and 5 are silly. Everyone knows guns are better than fists, and most people would argue that your gamerscore/trophies determine your skill. 6-Here we go again-is just blatantly sexist. If I had a guy tell me any of those, I'd beat the shit out of him with the controller and drop his ass like a hot potato. Being sexist and teaching other gamers to act as such does NOT make you MANLY, it makes you an asshole. 7 is pretty cruel, unless they want to play games that are not for their age. 8 and 9 are something I can agree on, but you're forgetting that girls are ALSO like that, too. Don't be ignorant. At least 10 teaches good sportsmanship. Awesome firepower doesn't only apply to males. I love using powerful attacks myself. 12 is pretty immature and does NOT make you HARDCOREZ, it makes you seem stupid in front of your pals. The Bard is pretty useless, but I'd only play as him just to see what he's like, regardless of how spoony he is. 14 I can agree on, 15 is weird. 16 is utterly disgusting. My brothers and myself are considered non-casual gamers, but we're not stupid enough to cover our +$300 equipment in those aforementioned... things. But you'll prove something if do that, alright. You'll not only look stupid, but be considered a basement-dwelling slob who thinks gaming is SERIOUS BUSINESS. 17-I agree. 18 and 19 don't make much sense at all. 20-Once AGAIN, doesn't apply only to men, it applies to every gamer you can possibly imagine. Now, I'll say it again, don't be ignorant. 21 is weird and 22 in untrue. Everyone with an I.Q above a rock's knows that you need TWO hands to use the controller, and doesn't make you any less HARDCOREZ. I have my own ways of dealing with 23. 24 annoys me. I'd rather watch a game being played and ONLY hear said game. 25 is weird. Anyway, this contradicts GamesRadar not being sexist, also this guide is pretty weird, and should be called 'The Etiquette of Gaming Like a Basement-Dweller' instead. Plus BD's can't get girlfiends or freinds, so number 6 and many others should be left out.
  • LikaLaruku - January 31, 2010 7:04 a.m.

    Awesome article, kinda like the stuff from Cracked.
  • YourOldPalD - December 30, 2009 9 a.m.

    Hahahahhahah that was awesome. Manhood and a desire to destroy summed up in 25 points. Actually all laughter asside the no bards policy actually should be a real rule about being considered a man. In FFIV Edward the bard was such a shitbox character that all my friend called him something rude like "Shithead" or "Arsetack" and instead it was considered the normal thing to do. Bards stink. from Dnd To PC. they suck big time. Also one more note and gamesradar goddamn I hope your listening. FIX THE BUGGY COMMENT BOX and the mini password thing. Typing a comment then having to decipher the 90 percent of the time gibberish THAT’S TOO MASHED TOGETHER TO READ just to post your very manly thoughts that cut through people like a vorpal sword just reading them is a pain and the arse (besides real men don’t use finesse when typing, we just pick up a rock and bash the keyboard until we either break it or until half arsed sentence ironically mostly unreadable shows up in the comments)
  • kalashnikov - December 1, 2008 2:19 p.m.

    I raised my beer for "Those of you who’ve never known the pain of hamster loss, just remember, your family doesn’t love you and there is no God."
  • DYL64 - November 24, 2008 3:35 a.m.

    haha this is a great article HARD is DANK!
  • jar-head - November 20, 2008 3:23 a.m.

    24 is so true....
  • lordofultima - November 19, 2008 9:23 a.m.

    Invert the stick? That sounds like about the least-manly thing you can do.
  • Cogglesz - November 16, 2008 2:13 p.m.

    number 24 seems to be adressed to most the folks at gamesradar it seems
  • Wizrai - November 16, 2008 12:30 a.m.

    And this is why I LOVE Games Radar.
  • Face0324 - November 15, 2008 5:50 a.m.

    I cant stand when im playing a game and people try to talk to me during a cutscene
  • wunfitty - November 15, 2008 2:36 a.m.

    ...I play a lot of games on normal...in fact I played Bioshock on normal...lol.....nice article
  • aromickred - November 14, 2008 9:43 p.m.

    The best GR article ever.
  • clever123 - November 14, 2008 8:15 p.m.

    lol this is good
  • Nitemarish - November 14, 2008 7:39 p.m.

    This here's the MANtage You're welcome

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