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The 16 most awesomely bad videogame movie moments

Movies based on videogames, to make a blanket generalization, are effing terrible. It’s no secret that Hollywood thinks of gamers as a massive collective of emotionally stunted mouth-breathers who’ll pay to watch anything with guns, and that the films it produces reflect that attitude. For years we’ve ranted and railed against awful crap like Super Mario Bros. and Alone in the Dark, but our protestations have done nothing to stem the tide of cinematic diarrhea.


Fun fact: Bob Hoskins didn’t even know he was in a videogame movie until his daughter told him 

Friends, it’s time to stop the hate. Game movies aren’t getting much better and they aren’t going away. Instead of ripping on them for ruining beloved franchises and feeding the notion that we’re idiots, maybe we should try embracing them for the hilariously awful trash they are. To help you along, we’ve pulled together the most over-the-top, entertainingly terrrible moments we could find from 16 mostly awful game movies. Go ahead and laugh. Give in to the horror.

Also: SPOILERS AHEAD. Assuming you even care.


As crappy videogame movies go, DOA: Dead or Alive is probably one of the better ones. It’s an entertainingly dumb king-fu comedy with a few decent performances, and compared to most of the other films on this list, that’s actually pretty good. Plus, it’s got Eric Roberts playing a villain whose evil doomsday weapon is a pair of sunglasses that predicts his opponent’s moves in one-on-one martial arts fights.

We’re not sure what nefarious purpose these could possibly serve, unless it’s rigging UFC matches. But whatever. It’s probably a threat to world peace somehow.

DOA’s most ridiculous moment, however, comes right at the beginning, when we’re introduced to Princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki), who’s begged by Ryu Hayabusa (Kane Kosugi) not to leave her clan’s enormous ninja mountaintop ninja castle.


Above: “Look, I’ve got better things to do than stand around in a lavish tribute to the films of Zhang Yimou, OK?” 

Storming out past the dozens of guards who do nothing but stand around all day in her courtyard wearing period armor, Kasumi is threatened by her friend, White Girl Who is Somehow Also Japanese (Natassia Malthe).


Above: SO JAPANESE 

And then this happens:

And this:

And then this:


Above: OK, sure 

Look, it’ll make more sense if you just watch it:



Another surprisingly tolerable game adaptation, the Hitman movie told the story of Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant) and his attempt to escape both his own turncoat assassination syndicate and the sexual advances of Olga Kurylenko (Olga Kurylenko).


Above: NO MEANS NO, LADY 

 For the most part it’s a fairly straightforward action-thriller, but things start to get stupid when 47 runs into three of his fellow bald, bioengineered assassins, at which point a four-way Mexican standoff erupts for no reason other than that it looks cool.


Above: Wait, why are they drawing down on the other guy? 

47 suggests that everyone in the group try “dying with a little dignity,” at which point the other agents nod and everyone empties their guns.

And then we find out that “dying with a little dignity” means having a sharp hunk of metal jammed through your torso.


Above: DIGNITY! 

Here’s the whole ridiculous spectacle in motion:



Essentially just a really lame, teen-centric version of Top Gun in space, Wing Commander dished up an unpalatable mashup of the series’ various mythological elements and recast Lt. Christopher “Maverick” Blair as bland, lifeless Freddie Prinze Jr. Also, this is what the tiger-like Kilrathi aliens look like in the movie:


Above: Yes, they’re that hard to see, mainly because of the “toxic gas” that is used to “cover up shitty special effects”

Probably the silliest moment in the movie is an over-dramatic jump to lightspeed, which contains what may be the worst-ever use of the circular bullet-time camera effect made famous by The Matrix. It also tells you everything you need to know about its main characters, Maverick and Maniac (Matthew Lillard):


Above: Maniac acts like a damn monkey all the time 


Above: Maverick stands around and is boring 

Here, just watch the damn thing already:

 

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77 comments

  • Psylockerules - June 1, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    gotta love the bison speech also i really laughed at the woman holding her shoe like WTF? the mario thing is just bad, so, so bad. and my bf wants to watch it *sigh* which means i better hunt down a copy on e-bay
  • Herschal - July 18, 2009 4:26 a.m.

    That bullet time in wing commander was so FAIL. I seriously burst out laughing when it happened. Which is bad because now my parents are going to realise I'm no tin bed a yell at me. Thank GR Luv ya
  • rodrigobernales - July 2, 2009 1:09 a.m.

    ADRENALine is not pumped out by the heart, it's made by the ADRENAL gland. It's also called EPInephrine, because the adrenal gland sits atop (epi) the kidneys (nephrine).
  • Doctalen - May 8, 2009 2:33 a.m.

    The first Resident Evil movie was cool. hot chick in the shower+skimpy dress not suited for fighting+ zombie things= average action movie But this was better till the second one and then the third, 5 minutes into the third movie I turned the TV off and went to sleep.
  • Harmon20 - May 3, 2009 10:02 p.m.

    #16. There's NO WAY that could ever happen.
  • Blackbird - May 3, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    I loled at the wing commander clip when the semi- bald captain was like "Oh, right, my time to talk" just before he did his line.
  • titchmeister - May 3, 2009 2:44 p.m.

    Am i the only one who actually noticed that in the house of the dead clip despite the fact that they shot hundreds of bullets there weren't any bullet casings and they somehow only needed to reload three times
  • gmilf71 - May 3, 2009 1:57 a.m.

    I think the hitman one was because they couldn't think of a better lead up to bald guys with suits, martial arts skills, and swords. RE chick is pretty hot.
  • theschwartzb - May 3, 2009 12:01 a.m.

    so... apparently, wehn sega holds raves on remote islands they like to bring a wide assortment of firearms and medieval weapons!!!
  • Skykid - May 2, 2009 12:58 p.m.

    Aieeeeee! Really crappy sh--! My eyes, my eyes!!!!
  • TheGreatLeon - May 2, 2009 2:26 a.m.

    Aw man, I love Postal!
  • R_U_Guys_From_British - May 1, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    nice soprano reference GR :-)
  • Flashkicker - May 1, 2009 6:04 a.m.

    this made me sooooo thankful of the time when i was at a blockbusters and picked up the mario brothers movie...and then set it back on the shelf. my brain thanked me.
  • cowsrule - April 30, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    in house of the dead, what is the point of throwing a grenade down the well? and why does no one attempt to save the asian girl? and why does the guy with the red light on his gun skip out the woods? and for anyone whos read the zombie survival guide, don't you have to get a head shot? stupid video game movies
  • Xeacons - April 30, 2009 10:39 p.m.

    Hey! The FPS sequence was the only WATCHABLE part of Doom. I slept through the rest. I swear on the fallen heroes of gaming, if I ever make it in Hollywood, I WILL make a GOOD game adaptation, and save our precious franchises! I swear never to make the same mistakes!
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - April 30, 2009 10:04 p.m.

    Eh, the "trust the fungus" thing in SMB actually makes some sense if you've seen the rest of the film. I'm not going to explain it, though. You'll just have to trust the fungus. Incidentally, "Trust the Fungus" would be an awesome band name.
  • Cerbeross - April 30, 2009 6:53 p.m.

    That mario clip was awful and hilarious
  • spoonman - April 30, 2009 4:23 p.m.

    LOL OMG the DOA one was terrible and very cheesey i think whoever found that cool must be real sad
  • noofer7 - April 30, 2009 2:21 p.m.

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, he really did say "trust the fungus"...
  • Geminiman82 - April 30, 2009 1:17 p.m.

    StefanGrey is right! Mark Decoscas (SP?) is the chairman for Iron Chef America. Course... He was in the super awesome movie "Brotherhood of The Wolf" with the uber sexy Monica Belucci

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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