Above: “For this I turned down Cleaver?”
Before that, though, we get to see C-list rock god and occasional actor Meat Loaf put on a silly wig and lounge around with a bunch of naked Czech prostitutes as hedonistic vampire lord Leonid.
When a servant of villain Kagan (Kingsley) stops into Leonid’s lair on his way to deliver an unconscious Rayne to his master, Leonid decides he’s having none of it and demands he keep Rayne as a gift.
Loaf’s performance here is uniquely terrible, creating a leering, odious presence that gives new meaning to the phrases “hammy acting,” “hampire,” “ham-fisted,” “hambeast” and “we’re insinuating Meat Loaf is fat.”
No, that’s it. You should really watch it, though:
Part fantastically boring police procedural, part revenge fantasy and all terrible movie, Max Payne was hailed as “the first great videogame movie” right up until the point that anyone saw it.
Above: “My movie’s good, right? SAY MY MOVIE’S GOOD”
The most frequently asked question when the first trailers for Max Payne came out was, “what the hell are those winged things?” The answer is that they’re hallucinations brought on by Valkyr, a mysterious drug that turns its users into homicidal maniacs… apart from a small percentage who magically become psychotic, nigh-invincible super-soldiers.
After swimming out of a freezing river where he was left to drown by his enemies, Max has a simple choice: lie around and die of hypothermia, or drink the vial of Valkyr stuck conveniently in his pocket and see what happens. Shockingly (to absolutely no one), Max turns out to have the super-soldier genes, and what he experiences as a result is nothing short of hilarious.
Go on, see it for yourself:
Widely regarded as one of the worst-ever sequels to a fairly decent videogame movie, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is notable mainly for turning RE3’s Nemesis into a big, turdy-looking Terminator.
It also brings back RE film heroine Alice (Milla Jovovich), who has the audacity to not only have goofy superpowers, but also to interact with game-series regulars like Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). When the two meet up, Jill and her comrades are pinned down in a church by a mediocre CG effect that’s supposed to pass for a Licker.
When suddenly…
And then…
Above: VROOM VROOOM
And…
Above: WHOOSH
When suddenly…
And inevitably…
Above: BLAAAAOW PSSSHHH
That is, until……
Above: THWPP THWPP THWPP
GOD.
Just watch it already:
For the record, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is about these guys:
Who spend a lot of time fighting these guys:
While this guy is king…
And these guys plot to take over:
We’ve already ripped on the awful camp performances of Ray Liotta and Matthew Lillardonce before, but they bear repeating, because this is a rare instance where the most awful thing in a movie is also its most watchable thing. Embarrassing as it is, watching Lillard hurl himself around the set while Liotta tries to use every muscle in his face is hard not to laugh at, and when the two are onscreen together the result is at once dramatic shit and comedy gold.
Because we’ve already used an earlier scene with these two once before, we’ll instead focus on a different meeting, during which Lillard rolls around on the floor begging for an antidote that Liotta gives him in dramatic slow motion. Also there’s a lot of wailing. Watch it, it’s funny:
“Wait, what?” said most of our American readers just now. “Uwe Boll’s Far Cry actually came out?”
It did indeed – in Europe, at least, where Boll’s films are better “appreciated.” The film version of Far Cry takes a few liberties with the game’s plot, moving it from its trademark tropical setting to the cheaper-to-film pine forests of Vancouver. It also casts Til Schweiger as Jack Carver, who has been made German for the purpose of casting Til Schweiger.
Also, Udo Kier is in it and he does this:
Above: Ewwwwww
So, right, the scene. Far Cry, like several other Boll movies, features Chris Coppola as an unfunny comic-relief fat guy who whines a lot. This time, he’s named Emilio the Food Guy, because – get this – he likes food.
Above: To be fair, he also gasps and squeaks a lot when he eats
Naturally, Coppola gets kidnapped by Carver and turned into his sidekick, ensuring we’ll see plenty more of him as the film wears on.
Above: Oh Christ no
Later, we’re treated to several scenes during which he’s chained back-to-back with Schweiger, which as it turns out is an ideal setup for his shameless brand of wailing and physical embarrassment.
Above: Oh wow, one of them actually did something kind of funny at the end there
It’s uniquely horrible, but also strangely compelling. To see it for yourself, check this out:
