The 15 stupidest game types Wii invented

Who would’ve thought in the years after the Wii unveiled its dual white wands that the system’s defining genre would become multiple genres? Don’t you dare call them cheap knock offs! They’re called “Party” games, mister! Why are they so prevalent? Well, because there’s so darned much potential to be mined from the Wii Remote, developers can’t keep focus on a single style of play and we don’t blame them.

Above: It’s not all bowling. Just mostly

Of course, this makes reviewing games all the harder (“Well, the monster truck handling sucks… but the backgammon rules!”) So, in lieu of review scores above a 6, we decided to honor the hard working publishers tirelessly cranking out innumerable compilations by listing all the unique modes the Wii had to invent just to meet the insatiable demand from the millions of people who’ve never heard of Samus Aran.

Sure, you may have seen glimmers of certain modes in years past, but it took the Wii and motion controls to perfect them to the profitable science we know today.

According to publicity shots, the Wii has gained an enormous female audience. To keep these fragile creatures from veering into first-person shooters, platformers, or any other genre that would scare them away from gaming altogether, developers channeled the excess estrogen into brave new frontiers.

Above: For the peppy gal with no imagination

The only thing women love more than cheerleading is their choice in pompom controller accessories. Am I right, ladies?!

Above: All the fun of male cheerleading without all the beatings

Above: Turn your spirit into song

Above: Like Bratz, but girly

Veterinary games are latest, greatest craze - and we’re not talking Pokemon potion here. Games based entirely around nursing an animal back to health are now as synonymous with Nintendo as Mario or K. K. Slider. So don’t be surprised when a giraffe with an earache makes it into the next Smash Bros.


Above: Nurse, I need 50ccs of E1101, STAT!

Above: Underwater turtle tourniquets are for advanced players only

You wanna be a lumberjack, and that’s okay. The Wii has a game type for that! Many, in fact.

Above: Boss fight?

Above: Sleep all night, work for five seconds

Above: Get past the unorthodox hats, and you’ll see jackin’ at its finest

Above: Not to be confused with snoring

Above: Peep the pirate shivering the timbers

What? You want to go back to scrubbing steeds with an analog stick? That’s unnatural! Oh, you could go and wash a horse on the PS2, DS, or PC (Seriously, they’re available there too) but you’d be missing out on the all the spastic, battery-draining joy that can only come from small batons shrouded in bubble rubber.

Above: Face the wall you dirty, dirty horse!

Above: Trust is crucial to equestrian hygiene

Above: In the sequel you upgrade to a Civil Rights era, crowd control hose. This might sting

Above: See that icon on the right? You just missed the hosin’!

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000
  • Oddeh7 - March 28, 2010 6:16 p.m.

    "A Blue Tang clan ain’t nothing to f*** with" They named fish after rap groups? wow... 100th!
  • Whit82114079 - November 10, 2009 5:10 p.m.

    "Any idiot with legs can cut a rug stomping on a Pee Pee Pad. Even a paraplegic can krunk with four buttons. But it takes a true Lord of the Dance to bust a move pointing their palms in up to four directions." and "Yeah Bitch, fire roast them pancakes!" Those 2 almost made me pee myself that how hard I was laughing :D LOL but good article :-) you've got countless points that truly make since ROTFL
  • Xplosive59 - November 6, 2009 9:56 p.m.

    where is crap shoveling?
  • Sandman89 - November 5, 2009 6:09 a.m.

    Please tell me the frying pan attachment was fake....please, or else i might just kill myself
  • Hellwilder - May 24, 2009 10:01 p.m.

    And that's why I hate nintendo and my Wii so much D:
  • Willy105 - April 24, 2009 7:39 p.m.

    Ha! I love those games.
  • AuthorityFigure - April 24, 2009 9:27 a.m.

    Rayman RR had rope-jumping too. I hated it.
  • TripleAD - April 23, 2009 10:07 a.m.

    I LOL'd at the food flippin' "peripherals"
  • Auron - April 22, 2009 10:21 p.m.

    LOL Hilarious screenshot comments. My girlfriend tried that doggy style, I was glad to be there.
  • justintime51 - April 22, 2009 5:51 p.m.

  • DrRock - April 21, 2009 10:28 p.m.

    I can't believe Chris actually sat through all these. He probably had an intern do all the work.
  • killemall - April 21, 2009 3:37 p.m.

    this article is not my fave, i agree with the subject but repeating what we already know when there are so many better things to do just seems like a massive waste of internet.
  • kctusincmprndd - April 21, 2009 12:28 a.m.

    what the hell were does people thinking when they made those games?
  • marioman50 - April 20, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    AT least the wii has renewed people's faith in the light gun genre. Now you don't have to buy extra accessories!... ..or do you?
  • Dr.Salvador - April 20, 2009 5:43 p.m.

    Nintendo, What the fuck happened? what happened to ground breaking titles like Zelda and Mario? yes, youre expanding the franchise but look at what youve done. theres no turning back now. your reputation is now that of a puplisher for faggots and pussys
  • crabbo - April 20, 2009 5:02 p.m.

    This is the reason i only own 2 (real games, wii sports, and link's crossbow training don't count.) for my wii. Actually i'm planning on buying RE4 for the wii next time i get paid. After playing through RE5 it made me want to re experience the fun i had with it, back when i had it on the PS2. But i digress. To be honest, i can't even get behind the concept of "motion controls" these days. Even games with good controls for the wii, are frustrating, because of how strenuous on my wrist and forearm to play them.
  • MacGyver1138 - April 20, 2009 4:49 p.m.

    Any article with a Monty Python reference is a good article by my standards. Also, thanks to recaptcha, I now know that "pshaws" is a word in the dictionary. Yes, really.
  • helloimgaydo - April 20, 2009 2:45 p.m.

    Gourdmaster... you legend.
  • Tomsta666 - April 20, 2009 12:46 p.m.

    To be fair a lot of this shit was started way before the Wii
  • deathrebellion - April 20, 2009 12:14 p.m.

    ohh god noo nooooooo.. my eyes, MY EYES!.... i though Wii wuz comin out of its crappyness with RE 0 and Madworld but i guess not.... >_< and btw Samus Aran who??