Above: It’s not all bowling. Just mostly
Of course, this makes reviewing games all the harder (“Well, the monster truck handling sucks… but the backgammon rules!”) So, in lieu of review scores above a 6, we decided to honor the hard working publishers tirelessly cranking out innumerable compilations by listing all the unique modes the Wii had to invent just to meet the insatiable demand from the millions of people who’ve never heard of Samus Aran.
Sure, you may have seen glimmers of certain modes in years past, but it took the Wii and motion controls to perfect them to the profitable science we know today.
According to publicity shots, the Wii has gained an enormous female audience. To keep these fragile creatures from veering into first-person shooters, platformers, or any other genre that would scare them away from gaming altogether, developers channeled the excess estrogen into brave new frontiers.
Above: For the peppy gal with no imagination
The only thing women love more than cheerleading is their choice in pompom controller accessories. Am I right, ladies?!
Above: All the fun of male cheerleading without all the beatings
Above: Turn your spirit into song
Above: Like Bratz, but girly
Veterinary games are latest, greatest craze - and we’re not talking Pokemon potion here. Games based entirely around nursing an animal back to health are now as synonymous with Nintendo as Mario or K. K. Slider. So don’t be surprised when a giraffe with an earache makes it into the next Smash Bros.
Above: I CAN HAS OXYCOTEN PURSCRIPSHUNZ?
Above: Nurse, I need 50ccs of E1101, STAT!
Above: Underwater turtle tourniquets are for advanced players only
You wanna be a lumberjack, and that’s okay. The Wii has a game type for that! Many, in fact.
Above: Boss fight?
Above: Sleep all night, work for five seconds
Above: Get past the unorthodox hats, and you’ll see jackin’ at its finest
Above: Not to be confused with snoring
Above: Peep the pirate shivering the timbers
What? You want to go back to scrubbing steeds with an analog stick? That’s unnatural! Oh, you could go and wash a horse on the PS2, DS, or PC (Seriously, they’re available there too) but you’d be missing out on the all the spastic, battery-draining joy that can only come from small batons shrouded in bubble rubber.
Above: Face the wall you dirty, dirty horse!
Above: Trust is crucial to equestrian hygiene
Above: In the sequel you upgrade to a Civil Rights era, crowd control hose. This might sting
Above: See that icon on the right? You just missed the hosin’!