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The 10 worst game intros of all time

Quick question: What's the first thing you see when you boot up a game for the first time? OK, yeah, a loading screen, a bunch of company logos and a title screen, but what about after that? You see an intro sequence, a carefully constructed bit of (usually) non-interactive wizardry designed to hook you into the game and get you interested in its characters and plot in those crucial early moments of play.

Of course, not every developer realizes how important a decent intro can be, and they've been known to drop the ball in nasty ways. Occasionally, the game is good enough to recover - that's why the 15-minute codec conversation from Metal Gear Solid 3 gets a dishonorable mention instead of its own entry. But more often than not, a bad intro is a harbinger of a terrible game, and the worst opening sequences are like glowing toxic warning signs to stay the hell away.

Sometimes, though, warning signs can be funny. Hilarious, even. That's why we've braved the impossible, collecting the 10 worst game intros ever and sticking videos of them into the following pages for your entertainment. Brace for horror.

10. Zero Wing
1991 | Genesis

Let's just get this one out of the way immediately, so you don't spend the whole rest of the article going, "yeah, but… what about that 'All Your Base' game? That was pretty bad, right?"

Conceptually, there's nothing wrong with Zero Wing's intro. After a massive spaceship is dealt a lethal blow by an alien fleet, its captain - taunted by the alien commander and realizing death is imminent - makes one final, defiant decision to scramble all fighters as his ship goes down. Only one makes it out in time, and that solitary pilot is left to take on an entire armada by himself.

But the poorly translated English used to illustrate all this is so bad, so hilariously abysmal, that the intro was rediscovered and turned into a major geek phenomenon years after the game itself had faded into obscurity. No other game can claim that. It was all thanks to the villain CATS and his immortal line, "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US," but the sequence has a few other gems as well. If you've somehow never seen it until now (in which case we can only assume that you came to this site by accident), then prepare to recoil in shock at the revelation that "SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB," and shed a tear at the captain's final order to "MOVE 'ZIG'. FOR GREAT JUSTICE." We sure did.

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44 comments

  • 13itch007 - February 16, 2011 5:30 a.m.

    Stop with all the advertisements!
  • Omgbbq - January 17, 2011 2:36 p.m.

    ALL YOUR GAMES RADAR BELONG TO ME!
  • MyriamD - January 6, 2011 4:12 a.m.

    I survived the morse code vid! Without even moving away.
  • humpiedumpie - October 13, 2010 7:47 p.m.

    The zelda one still makes me cry every time
  • Chaoscoolperson - October 12, 2010 11:31 p.m.

    Those Were TERRIBLE!
  • RafaTorres - February 18, 2010 11:45 a.m.

    Seriously, I just watched the last one and I havent got a clue what was going on coz it took that long. Eternal Sonata should be on here too coz it just went on aimlessly for about 15 minutes and it couldnt be skipped
  • kamikaz3e124 - September 17, 2009 9:22 p.m.

    Squalalah! Off we go! lolololol
  • AA95mp - September 7, 2009 12:46 p.m.

    i disagree with the zero wing entry it's one of the best in my opinion.
  • PivotPlurals1 - September 5, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    Now i know why so many Legend of Zelda: wand of Gamelon Youube poop videos are on youtube XD it deserves to be pooped. Re Captcha- Steamers Mcphails
  • Hellwilder - August 23, 2009 10:38 p.m.

    God, 4 minutes of bip-bip-bip-bup-bap-bip-bap-bup-bup-bap-bip-bip-bip-bup made my brain explode
  • dreamgor - August 18, 2009 8:56 a.m.

    hahaaha the beeps they're everywhere hahhahaha "twitch" the beeeeps!
  • 88Meters - April 24, 2009 1:02 a.m.

    ALL YOUR BASE R BELONG TO US
  • Darthballs - March 12, 2009 9:46 p.m.

    they just made link look gay
  • Amatarasu - February 13, 2009 9:38 p.m.

    ...i sat through #10......the beeps...THE BEEPS ARE IN MY HEAD!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
  • reaperman22 - February 11, 2009 5:50 a.m.

    m ma man t th tha that w wa was b ba bad and link looked like he belonged on queer eye for the straight guy
  • TNT501 - February 1, 2009 5:13 p.m.

    I s a t t h r o u g h t h e l a s t o n e
  • TNT501 - February 1, 2009 4:59 p.m.

    LOL im going to use the zero wing one for my motto on XL
  • elric40012 - January 29, 2009 6 p.m.

    man I... I couldn't, it was too much... horrible!... HOOOORIBBLLEE!! My head seriously hurts after Ikari
  • DiamondGrip - January 28, 2009 5:20 a.m.

    all that came to mind during the Ikari intro was dot dash dash, dash, dot dot dash dot.
  • SirBonkers - January 27, 2009 8:28 p.m.

    Very funny stuff....well untel Ikaris that is. You did warn us though. I find it unfathomable that someone thought that was a good idea. WOW! Just plan terible!!!

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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