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Six horrific crimes you never realized you were committing in games

When the elevator doors dinged open on that fateful day in a Moscow airport, you had scarce time to prepare for the horror that was about to be unleashed. As your cadre of evil-doers calmly mowed the defenseless civilians into a fine paste, you knew that there was nothing right about this. There was no question that this was a dirty, rotten thing to do. It was, simply put, wrong. Remember that stone in the pit of your stomach? Well, prepare to feel it all over again, because these are six horrific crimes you never realized you were committing in games.

We’re not talking about the obvious “one soldier killing another” stuff – everyone knows where they stand on that one. We’re talking about the awful violations of decency you didn’t even notice. You callous, cold-hearted shell of a human being.


Above: Clearly a dick move. No wonder the developers of Modern Warfare 2 made this level optional 


6. Burglary (Zelda series)


So you walk into a guy’s house or store, start smashing his stuff and taking his money. But, it’s alright; he’s not trying to stop you. He’ll even repeat the same tired singular phrase with as much glee as he can muster.

No victim, no crime. Right?

Consider this: Let’s say some dude just walked into your home, with a sword on his hip, shield on his back, and absolutely smeared in the blood and gore of monsters and bandits. Let’s say he started smashing your stuff and taking your money… what exactly would you do about it? What could you do? All you would want is for him to leave… and you’d say or sell whatever it took to achieve that end.


Above: For Chrissake, take whatever you want! 


5. Animal cruelty (Pokemon series)


It’s a tough Poke world out there. With 493 aggressive and dangerous species lurking in all regions and climes – vicious creatures capable of manipulating the elements themselves to bring down their prey – simply walking outside invites certain death.

In order for humans to survive this wretched hellscape, they’ve learned to domesticate and train these ‘Pokemon’ to fight on their behalf. That said, however, there is a marked difference between training a Scyther to guard you from an angry swarm of Weedles and pitting him against other Pokemon for amusement and profit. But if you’ve ever won a gym badge, or accepted a friendly wager from a fellow trainer: that’s exactly what you did.

So as your blood-soaked Poke pal clings to life at the local Poke hospital, show him that shiny little rock badge and tell him it was worth it.


Above: Time to collect your winnings, Mr. Vick 

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48 comments

  • Zeb364 - May 5, 2011 9:40 p.m.

    @Evil_AppleJuice: Agreed. I mean r-ape is pretty horrible but I don't think it's worse that wiping out an entire civilization. @KnightDehumidifier: Technically you're not because you capture a piece, you don't kill it. So you just end up taking them all prisoner.
  • FNG - July 20, 2010 12:34 a.m.

    Everyone watch this video by College Humor. It's just like this article http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kedjhnguKhc
  • civver - July 17, 2010 6:45 p.m.

    This is certainly new and unprecedented.
  • lemmy21 - July 15, 2010 11:21 a.m.

    Enjoyed the article.
  • GameManiac - July 15, 2010 4:19 a.m.

    This article makes me think of PETA's (or any animal protection group) opinion on Pokemon cruelty. As if I didn't see half of this article coming.
  • DrillurSimpson - July 15, 2010 12:37 a.m.

    lul. I don't care
  • nuno004 - July 14, 2010 7:14 p.m.

    @ Billiam101 that video was freakin funny, oh in chrono trigger if you take that old man at the fair's sandwich he screws you over in court reCAPTCHA: superber normal
  • AA95mp - July 14, 2010 4:28 p.m.

    everyone knows that pokemon is basicaly animal pit fighting and i enjoyed grave robbing in oblivion.
  • propagandainc - July 14, 2010 3:16 p.m.

    Nice interpretation.
  • TheHolyHandGrenade - July 14, 2010 11:51 a.m.

    @Billiam101 darn, i was going to link that. otherwises funny article
  • babyhenchy1 - July 14, 2010 11:48 a.m.

    I think you could list burglary under every RPG ever made as well. The SpoonyExperiment mocks it, and as Conrad says in Mass Effect 2, "Sometimes I poke through crates looking for extra credits."
  • pin316 - July 14, 2010 11:37 a.m.

    #5 is why i always said that pokemon isn't a kids game... it's cleverly dressed up like one, but the concept at the heart of the game is as follows: 1) capture wild animals 2) keep them in little cages shaped like balls 3) make them fight each other and what's more, you're not even making them fight each other to save the world or anything similar. It's all for your own selfish personal goald of being the best at capturing wild animals and making them fight each other.
  • philipshaw - July 14, 2010 11 a.m.

    Decent article and I have done all this stuff except for the RTS stuff
  • BOSS - July 14, 2010 10:34 a.m.

    Congratulations Gamesradar I nominate this article to contend with 'top 10 gamesradar shittest articles 2010.'
  • oryandymackie - July 14, 2010 10:13 a.m.

    I need a shower.
  • cj12297 - July 14, 2010 9:58 a.m.

    you do a lot of stealing and breaking in the lego games
  • JayBeat - July 14, 2010 9:04 a.m.

    Poor poke mans :(
  • AuthorityFigure - July 14, 2010 8:26 a.m.

    Like the terrible excuse used in Nuremberg, us gamers are only following orders...
  • CH3BURASHKA - July 14, 2010 7:17 a.m.

    I knew I was robbing people in Legend of Zelda. I knew I was cultivating animal slaves in Pokemon. I knew I was obliterating entire races in RTSes. And I have loved every second of it.
  • garnsr - July 14, 2010 5:40 a.m.

    This new, grand, wide format gives us the opportunity to see six smallish sections over three pages. Hooray for progress!

Showing 1-20 of 48 comments

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