SCRIPTEASE: Xena

The Reduced SFX Company presents season two of Xena Warrior Princess in bite-sized form

XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS: SEASON TWO

OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SHOW

Xena is a reformed murderer/assassin/all-round bad girl who now tours Ancient Greece doing good deeds to make up for her past. She is accompanied by her innocent best friend, Gabrielle, and her horse, Argo. Despite the fact that her armour is hugely impractical and shows more naked flesh than a Spearmint Rhino dancer, she is largely invincible.

ACT ONE

XENA and GABRIELLE are riding down a path through a LUSH , VERDANT and MOSSY forest in the middle of a RAINSTORM . This is absolutely what ANCIENT GREECE looked like, right down to the KIWIS snuffling for worms just off-camera.

GABRIELLE: The weather in Greece is lovely today! Look at that sun!
XENA: I love the summer. It’s so hot!

It starts to SLEET as they ride by a MAORI dancing a HAKA . Ignoring him, XENA and GABRIELLE enter a VILLAGE which is under attack by a WARLORD and his SOLDIERS . This happens A LOT .

XENA: I will fight them! Yodel yodel yodel yodel!

She FIGHTS THEM using RIDICULOUS GRAVITY-DEFYING STUNTWORK and WINS . The WARLORD slinks away and the VILLAGERS are very happy.

XENA [sighing]: I was responsible for so much evil in the past that even saving all these lives today hasn’t made me feel better.
GABRIELLE: Have you ever thought of hooking up with a guy named Angel? You have a lot in common.
XENA: My one true soulmate is Hercules, as established last season.
GABRIELLE: I know, just like my one true soulmate is Iolaus. What a shame we can’t all be in the same series and then we’d get to hang out more.
XENA: Clean my chakram, would you? I’m going to bury the 700 men I just killed.

ACT TWO

XENA ’s arch-nemesis, CALLISTO , returns in an episode called, um, “THE RETURN OF CALLISTO” .

CALLISTO: I will destroy Xena and all her friends because I am crazy and evil and super-hot!
THE VIEWERS: What has being super-hot got to do with destroying Xena?
CALLISTO: Nothing, I’m stating it for the record. Look, I’m wearing even less armour than Xena and I’m just as invincible!
BLACKSMITHS EVERYWHERE: We’ll be going out of work at this rate. We’d better talk to our union representative.

Meanwhile, GABRIELLE has been reunited with her CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART , PERDICUS , who is a PLOT DEVICE .

PERDICUS: I love you!
GABRIELLE: I love you too! Let’s get married so I can abandon my best friend and her meaningful quest and live happily ever after with you!

They MARRY .

GABRIELLE: I’m sorry, Xena. I guess I just found my soulmate again.
XENA: It’s okay, I understand. I’m sure mine’s out there somewhere. Until then I’ll be happy with Argo.
GABRIELLE: Er, yeah. Whatever.

CALLISTO turns up. She KILLS PERDICUS , who has now fulfilled his function as a PLOT DEVICE .

GABRIELLE: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

GABRIELLE tries to kill CALLISTO but can’t go through with it in the end because she is a GOOD PERSON . XENA comes riding to her rescue with the aid of SAM RAIMI’S BROTHER , JOXER , who is a TWIT . CALLISTO is defeated during a pretty cool CHARIOT RACE and DIES , lack of useful armour notwithstanding.

XENA: Killing is bad, Gabrielle. I’m glad you realise that now. You’d better leave things like that to me because I’m already evil and you’re not.
GABRIELLE: I agree. Oh well, guess it’s time to find another soulmate. Ho-hum.

ACT THREE

XENA fights a lot of BAD GUYS , FEELS BAD about her past and BROODS .

GABRIELLE: Seriously, you and Angel? Soulmates.
XENA: He hasn’t even been born yet!
GABRIELLE: It’s okay, the show’s about to do its first modern-day episode, so perhaps you can track him down then?

Sure enough, the show FLASHES FORWARDS to 1940 and gives us a COMEDY EPISODE about the hunt for some SCROLLS . It is vaguely amusing, and more COMEDY EPISODES follow.

XENA: Okay, I know I can do slapstick with the best of ’em, but why so much silliness these days?
GABRIELLE: It’s because you’re a big fat downer most of the time. We have to redress the balance somehow.
XENA: I can’t help it if I’m emo. I have a lot to be emo about. I killed people! I was evil!
GABRIELLE: Yes, we know. But shows about serial killers don’t sell, so we need to lighten things up.
XENA: Two words for you: Dexter Morgan.
GABRIELLE: Michael C Hall doesn’t wear a metal breastplate, fight Bacchae and hang out with Ares. Your life is inherently silly anyway. Go with it.
XENA: Fair enough.

ACT FOUR

Now it’s time for a FLASHBACK EPISODE . We see a younger XENA meeting JULIUS CAESAR , who is KARL URBAN .

CAESAR: I am a smug, scheming bastard on a power trip and I find you irresistible, you crazy barbarian woman who wears barely-there dresses!
XENA: I find you irresistible too. I think you might be my soulmate. We should team up and rule the world together!

CAESAR crucifies her instead.

XENA: I hate men.

ACT FIVE

XENA dies as a result of the FLASHBACK or something. GABRIELLE takes her body to the AMAZONS and becomes one herself, which means she dresses in FUR and FEATHERS and has to FIGHT A LOT . From this point GABRIELLE’S OUTFITS will become more and more SKIMPY , even though the weather in FAKE ANCIENT GREECE is usually COLD and WET . AMAZONS do not wear COATS because they are HARD .

AUTOLYCUS , the KING OF THIEVES , shows up.

AUTOLYCUS: I appear to have Xena’s spirit inside my body. Groovy!
GABRIELLE: I am struck by the sudden urge to kiss you.

They KISS . XENA returns.

XENA: I know I was inside Bruce Campbell at the time, but that was kinda fun.
GABRIELLE: Yeah, I know! How strange!
AUTOLYCUS: Would you two like to do that again while I watch?
XENA: Run along now and play with Sam Raimi’s brother like a good boy, okay?

ACT SIX

XENA fights MORE WARLORDS and general BAD GUYS . Every time she does so she throws her CHAKRAM around and is AWESOME .

GABRIELLE: I will never understand how it’s possible for a human being to catch a spinning Frisbee of death without slicing off their fingers.
XENA: I do slice them off but they grow back again because I’m a Cylon.
GABRIELLE: Huh?
XENA: Er, nothing.

The SEASON ENDS with an episode starring CUPID , who is KARL URBAN .

XENA: Don’t I know you? Aren’t you Julius Caesar?
CUPID: I’m a god of desire, not a dictator perpetuo!
XENA: Hmm. Well, Caesar didn’t have wings, so I guess you must be a different guy. Can you help me find my soulmate? I’ve been having some issues.
GABRIELLE: Me too.
CUPID: I see what’s going on here. Hang on...

CUPID fires an arrow at XENA and one at GABRIELLE .

XENA: Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE: Xena!

They FALL IN LOVE . Awww.

A few years later, ANCIENT GREECE becomes MIDDLE-EARTH .

NEW ZEALAND TOURIST BOARD: Our country rocks .

ENDS

Script by Jayne Nelson