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Robots that don't make any sense

Some robots make cars. Others make candy. We need cars and candy to sustain our unsustainable lifestyles, so those robots make sense. Videogame robots, however, don’t generally make Toyotas. They don’t make Tootsie Rolls, either. They definitely don’t make sense.

Fictional robot designers detest practicality. Consider killing people. You can do it with guns. Guns are simple. Guns are powerful. Then here comes Dr. Research McDontinterruptit, who insists that guns ought to have wobbly legs, feel remorse, and, actually, don’t shoot bullets, but kick people. That doesn’t make any sense, you stupid fictional fictional scientist!

Of course, none of these robots were meant to make any sense. They were designed to look cool and make games fun. But just because something’s intentionally absurd doesn’t stop us from amusing ourselves by pointing out its absurdity.

That thing on the right is supposed to be a robot. HA HA HA, NO.


Jack (Gears of War)

Jack is an invisible floating robot which appears whenever a map needs to load. He’s really good at opening doors. Why a team of tree-armed men with giant guns need a floating robot to open doors is unclear. Why invisible floating robot technology couldn’t be used to simply win the war is also unclear.


Chibi Robo

Chibi Robo is a great game with a great premise. You’re a robot with a house to clean, and to make the game work (as in, have challenges to overcome), you’re handicapped by your diminutive stature. Mr. Robo’s miniscule body makes the game fun, but if we were actually designing a robot to clean, we’d probably make it at least slightly larger than the dirt it’s meant to clean up.

It would be kind of cruel, actually, to intentionally design something that’s barely capable of the task you’ve programmed it to be obsessed with.


Above: What God would wish me such torment?!


Flybot (Base Wars)

We can accept that someone designed a bunch of robots to play baseball. Barely. But we can’t accept that someone would design a hovering robot to play baseball. Would it not be hard to hit a baseball with any amount of force while hovering? Would touching bases not be a problem? You Flybots are just the living end.


Mousers (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Mousers are Dr. Baxter Stockman’s biped mice-eating robots. Who cleans out the mice guts? Do they poop? What’s wrong with cats? Or mouse traps? Wait, they rob banks too? Human banks or mouse banks? Do mice have banks? What? Mousers are dumb.


Above: This is a giant Mouser, but it's really more of a Turtler



Gizmoduck (DuckTales)

GUEST ENTRY! Chris Antista rants about animated ducks:

Gizmoduck is quite possibly the greatest hero ever to grace the city of Duckburg, so it’s not like we’re taking issue with his design. A cybernetic duck makes perfect sense everywhere else in the history of anything. Except in goddamn the original DuckTales on the NES!


Above: Disney’s Iron Man equivalent, wasted on opening a door 

Not only is Gizmoduck woefully remiss in his bodyguard duties, leaving Scrooge McDuck vulnerable to all manner of pixilated peril throughout the entirety of the game, his sole is appearance is to… break down a green wall? Oh no, not with his standard missiles or rocket propelled grenades. Nay, he fires a single pellet into a single structure ONCE, as if somehow helping the duck who signs his paychecks - on the f***ing Moon! - was a pain-in-the-ass stop on his way to something more awesome. Great game, but making Gizmoduck essentially a key remains a tragic waste of a great character who probably should’ve had his own damn game in the first place!

44 comments

  • JDMDrifter - July 15, 2010 6:19 p.m.

    Funny article, Good job
  • frogfromchronotriggerisactuallyjesus - July 15, 2010 6:32 p.m.

    a robot elephant shooting a ball at you?
  • Drumdoctor - July 15, 2010 6:35 p.m.

    That was really funny, good article.
  • Felixthecat - July 15, 2010 6:39 p.m.

    Chibi-Robo is the best. That is all.
  • FunkSoulBrother - July 15, 2010 6:43 p.m.

    Great!
  • KnightDehumidifier - July 15, 2010 6:44 p.m.

    Mecha Ridley, Let me exlpain: The General of the Space Pirates, the pterodactyl-lizard master named Ridley. He valiantly fought Samus in spite of the terrible odds going for it. He gets blown up, and descends into a pit of lava to die. Years later, Space Pirates recover its corpse and reanimates it to fight again. Has it occurred to the Space Pirates to establish a second in command lest the leader dies in combat?
  • Defguru7777 - July 15, 2010 6:47 p.m.

    I think Cutman's was the funniest. And while I really didn't like Sonic Heroes, I still think Metal Overlord looked really awesome.
  • ventanger - July 15, 2010 6:48 p.m.

    Haha... I love the idea of designing a robot whose sole purpose is a task that it is, by design, unable to accomplish. That's pretty dark.
  • Ridgley - July 15, 2010 6:52 p.m.

    Good clean wholesome fun.
  • Fizzmonkey - July 15, 2010 6:56 p.m.

    ducktales was a great game, also i love clap traps.
  • tomthespesh - July 15, 2010 7:10 p.m.

    Yay Ducktales love that game! Also loved Chris' rant it was rather funny.
  • ShitMittensShittyKittens - July 15, 2010 7:16 p.m.

    Am I the only one who's article screwed up more towards the end of each page? Also am I the only one who has to hover over the comments to see them???
  • ShitMittensShittyKittens - July 15, 2010 7:20 p.m.

    Sorry for the double post, but never mind my comment above. For some reason it fixed when I went to the second page. . .
  • awsomemaster - July 15, 2010 7:30 p.m.

    haha i like the japan version or r.o.b. better. the Family. Computer. Robot. aka that little F*C*R!
  • oryandymackie - July 15, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    Tyler Wilde - when the revolution comes, oh, when the revolution comes...
  • KingArchie55 - July 15, 2010 8:04 p.m.

    Jack (tekken). No... Just, no... Too many Jacks is never a good thing. Do they share one personality? And also, how on earth does a robot fall in love? Ugh...
  • fattoler - July 15, 2010 8:18 p.m.

    Yay Gizmoduck! Blathering Batherskyte!
  • blitzpoisonpunk - July 15, 2010 8:27 p.m.

    All very true and awesome except that Jack has been explained in the books and games, they cost a crap load of money and take loads of materials and they were already low in numbers after the Pendulum wars
  • fattoler - July 15, 2010 8:30 p.m.

    reCAPTCHA: humping JERRY
  • 510BrotherPanda - July 15, 2010 8:59 p.m.

    @KnightDehumidifier REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR....RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR!!!

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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