In some ashy, unnamed American city, college student Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon) finds herself at the centre of a dark and unsettling mystery. It seems all of her friends are receiving bizarre voicemails from beyond the grave; after listening to said missed calls, they mysteriously croak. Sound familiar? One Missed Call is yet another misfiring American J-Horror remake filled with lovely-looking teenage airheads and not so ‘terrifying’ images – like dead babies holding cell phones (yes, really). Based on Takashi Miike’s 2003 low-budget spookshow Chakushin Ari and directed with vulgarian flair by French TV specialist Eric Valette, it’s ponderous, scare-free and looks like it was soaked in brine for weeks. Even the ethereal beauty of simmering It girl Sossamon can’t save this wretched, accursed mess. Don’t call us...