What if... video games were stocks and shares

Short of Half-Life 3 making a surprise release in the next ten minutes, there are fewer safer bets than these little pocket monsters that have been stealing sunlight from the masses since the ‘90s. And if turning the majority of kids in that decade into stat-addicted freaks isn’t the best thing about that decade, then I don’t want to know what is. The only way Nintendo could have made it better is by renaming that yellow one ‘Pikapitalism-chu’.

But the obvious reason this is an absolute goldmine for any serious investor is that those light starved kids have grown up and still hoover up the latest Pokémon releases, while a whole new generation is tasting its first legal addiction. Like oil, gold and a lack of responsibility for real stock markets, Pokémon is the blood pumping through the glorious VDGYAGMZ 100’s veins, so you gotta catch them all! The stocks that is, not the Pokémon.

Not much will bring a tear to the eye of a VDYAGMZ 100 trader--being poor is usually the only one--but there’ll always be a soft spot in his heart for a comeback kid. And comebacks don’t get better than Ms. Croft’s. Once, back in the days of triangular graphics and when Sega was a console maker; she ruled over the market, her legacy presumably safe after she taught us that nothing is funnier than locking a butler in a freezer.

But then the great crash of 2002 happened, or Angel of Darkness as you’ll know it by, it all went a bit Black Tuesday for Lara. These markets go in two directions and all it took to turn Lara’s fortunes around was a great island adventure and a river of blood. So start splashing the cash--with a sequel on the way, it’s the perfect time to hop on the Tomb Raider bandwagon.

So far, we’ve been speaking about safe bets, the boring stuff that will make you enough money for your pension, but isn’t going to get you a ridiculous yacht and a swimming pool full of whiskey. For those finer things, you’re going to need to gamble. That’s where the indie market comes in: small games that very few people hear of to begin with, but then explode in popularity.

Take recent PS Plus hand-out Outlast. Like all indies that start out small and become primo stock overnight, it has a buzzy hook and captures the imagination of VDYAGMZ investors. It might start out small, but before you know it, everyone is talking about it and you’re left with more money than sense, the way capitalism should be. They’re pretty easy to spot, but the trick is riding that profit-y zeitgeist wave all the way to the whiskey pool of your dreams.

If you even start to think this is a good investment, I’ll almost feel sorry for you. Yeah, it still sells enough copies to finance a small nation and teenagers are never going to get bored of questioning the promiscuity of your mother, but there’s only way this series is going and it’s not the way that will make you a profit on the VDYAGMZ 100.

The problem? Where’s the innovation! You've got to keep the shareholders happy and--at the moment--they’re abandoning their shares as they slowly start to realise that the perfect formula of Call of Duty 4 is never going to happen again. If you’re desperate for a military shooter in your portfolio then it’s not your worst option, but you should be looking to sell these shares, if only to silence the sweary airwaves of COD online.

Well you can’t have one without the other, can you? For years, hardcore investors banded together and sang the praises of shooting each other in the field of battle, but the market never really took too much notice, because it was too busy blasting each other away in another popular military shooter. Thanks to some good ol’ fashioned capitalism, just like God and Ronald Reagan would have wanted, EA made their premier shooter more like the competition to increase their audience.

And investors came flooding in, the original shareholders crowed about how they were right all along, inexperienced recruits happy with a change of scenery to air their bizarrely aggressive views and exasperated gamers who just wanted a good time. The real question you need to ask yourself is “Has it peaked?” With its value riding high but starting to wobble, you might want to look elsewhere for an opportunity to make some real profit.

Be careful now, I see that confident look in your eye, as if you’ve heard of how mobile gaming is going to take over the world and--in a few years--the phones will be using humans as the games, flinging us into walls to knock down those green piggy things. Then again, I think I have some Quaaludes in my system from last night, so that’s probably them talking... Anyway, Angry Birds is the granddaddy, the mobile game that spelt the doom of everything, everywhere.

But, more importantly, you need to seriously check yourself before jumping on a mobile game in this market. Not only do they go through huge swings in popularity, but there’s always another game around the corner to steal your investment’s thunder. That’s not to say they’re bad investment; but if you buy, make sure you’re ready to sell as soon as a new one goes viral. Or preferably just before. It’s all about reading the trends before they happen, Squirt.

And finally we have the hall of shame tucked away out back, next to the toilets. This is where games go to rest in peace, safe from the unforgiving market that mauled them to death. Don’t worry about buying or selling in here, the only thing you need to do is take heed from the mistakes of investors past. Learn from their pitiful, beta ways to become the alpha male. Hey, Greek language is FUN!

And what better example than this relic of an RPG, Kingdoms of Amalur? Before it made its debut on the market, you thought it would have stood a chance. Y’know, ambitious new developer, kinda sounds like Mass Effect in Mordor… what’s not to love? But no market is ever predictable and, after it’s launch, most gamers took one look and said “We’ll wait till it goes down in price!” The death knell for any gaming stock, that.

Right, time is money and you now owe me at least $2,000. For that, I’ll set you up with a few games that are definitely going to make a killing soon. I have a tip off about some big announcements, but I’m sure you know it’s all very hush-hush. Tell you what, though, I’m a good guy and I want you to get filthy rich, so I’ll knock a grand off if you tell me what you think in the comments below.

And if you're looking for more, check out our GTA 5 stock market guide and Choose the best team for you in FIFA 14.