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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Fact: zombie invasions suck. Just ask anyone who’s been through one, and he’ll tell you: “bluurble gurrble braiiins.” Does that sound like the guttural moaning of someone who had a good time? No, it sure as shit does not.
 

 


Above: Not a good time 

There are books and websites out there that claim to contain the best techniques for keeping your flesh intact during an outbreak, but I have something they don’t: experience… playing a lot of zombie games. With the recent influx of zombie themed games (Dead Rising, Left 4 Dead, Resident Evil 5, and CoD: World at War’s zombie Nazi mode, to name a few) I’ve been able to rack up hundreds of hours of zombie invasion training.

Want to save your organs from being spread out across cold pavement like hors d'oeuvres? Soak up my tips with your eyeballs and remember them forever. In fact, I suggest you write everything here down on a series of note cards to keep with you at all times (always be prepared!).  Remember: you and at least three other survivors can make it out of the infected area if you stay together, follow my advice, and don’t mind the occasional gut spray to your face.

Is it a zombie invasion?

Before you do anything, you need to determine whether or not a zombie invasion has occurred, and estimate the scope of the invasion. Is the entire civilized world in ruins, or just the mysterious little town you wandered into? Are there any safe routes away from the epicenter, or at least to the mall?


Above: Sometimes zombies look like this, but other times they don’t

If the power is on, turn on a TV. If the situation has been contained and quarantined by the military, it will probably be reported by out-of-town news as a “chemical spill,” “biological hazard,” or “cannibal terrorist attack.” You’ve probably seen reports like this before about towns near you. Now you know.

If you can’t receive any channels on cable, satellite, or broadcast TV, you may be dealing with a much larger outbreak. There’s a good chance that the employees of your local broadcast affiliates and cable offices are now zombies, reporting on zombie news and acting in their own zombie sitcoms, possibly with cute names like “Everybody Loves Raymond’s Brains” or “Marinated with Children.”  Fact: zombies are very creative when left to their own devices, and enjoy dry humor.


Above: Why would I make this up?

Lacking any access to one or two-way communication (TV, phone, internet, smoke signals), there are other ways to determine if a zombie outbreak has occurred. Go outside and check for the following signs.

The 10 most common signs of a zombie outbreak

10. You live in the vicinity of a highly secretive biotech corporation, the offices of which are generating a suspicious moaning sound.
9. You responded to a static-ey distress call from a dark mining ship in deep space by landing on it.
8. You’re surrounded by a highly unusual amount of fog which seems to follow you (sometimes even indoors).
7. You woke up alone in a hospital.
6. You were just talking about zombie invasions the last night! Weird how things happen like that, isn’t it?
5. You’ve been encountering an improbable number of locked doors.
4. You’ve been in some way involved with a book called “The Necronomicon.”
3. You performed strange rituals in a graveyard the night before. (Why would you do this?)
2. There are a bunch of zombies walking around.
1. You are a zombie.

124 comments

  • lionarthegreat - August 21, 2009 4:40 p.m.

    i would survive i would just drive north and then i would only worry for half a year because of winter u southerners are pretty screwed
  • FrozenImplosion - July 31, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    I loved the practical joke haha, this is the best article I've seen on GR for a while!!!
  • fhern - July 30, 2009 4:13 a.m.

    i want to play this but i cannot? why?
  • ResidentEvilJunkie - July 26, 2009 9:45 p.m.

    This article sounds an awful lot like Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide"
  • lostsouls - July 24, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    another sing of zombies large amounts of military setting up in your town and evacuations are in progress
  • sk8tingninjainda206 - July 24, 2009 2:46 a.m.

    yes thank you for agreeing now i can show people at the gun store for buying so much ammo and weapons lmao what a great article
  • deadslayer97 - July 23, 2009 9:55 p.m.

    yep it is pretty much the zombie survival guide......only worse.the sniper crowbar was pretty funny though!
  • MojoSmelz - July 23, 2009 7:42 p.m.

    yeh i agree with GamerTagsSuck because like in the english television program called dead set the 'zombies' do eventually break into the big brother set so unless you have a gun then your basically screw to say the least.
  • Thegamingkid - July 22, 2009 5:54 p.m.

    actully, what the best thing to do in a zombie outbreak is to go to the nearest gun shop, and shoot yourself. BAM, don't gotta worry, cause every one is Dead, And/Or Undead
  • Unoriginal - July 22, 2009 4:05 p.m.

    I now owe Mr. Wilde my life prematurely. Outstanding article, and now Im late for work, I just had to finish first. Why am I commenting, gotta go!
  • SteelStreet - July 22, 2009 12:43 a.m.

    You got alot of this stuff from xbox official magizine zombie edition. But hey it is still funny.
  • Synster - July 21, 2009 10:11 p.m.

    Ha. "MOST Zombies can't run". Anyways. By chance, was this article inspired by The Zombie Survival Guide? That book is pure Genius.
  • JustAPlayer - July 21, 2009 1:45 p.m.

    Well, just like everyone (at least the good shooters) i would go to the top of a Gun's Shop, i would pick up Sniper, and shoot all incoming body, as long as i have food i'll be ok
  • curly_jefferson - July 21, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    So many funnies.
  • whitesall - July 21, 2009 5:23 a.m.

    bring on the zombies im ready to beat there ass... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! just kidding thanks for the addvice im more then ready to kick zombie ass!!!!!!
  • captfuzzo - July 20, 2009 8:48 p.m.

    even though in evil dead those arn't zombies there deadadites i consider them zombies
  • UnrealCanine - July 20, 2009 6:23 p.m.

    Shaun spits away in Shaun of the Dead and survives
  • thelonewolf501 - July 20, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    i live near a natiol(dont know the word) guard armory so incase of zombie invasion (or any other disater) i know where to go ill be safe for months.
  • SolidSnyder94 - July 20, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    This is so lame. A word-for-word copy of a special zombie-edition magazine I bought...how long ago? At least 6 months. I hope that the publishers know you guys are doing this.
  • cookie23q - July 20, 2009 1:54 p.m.

    owsome article wylde man kkep up the gold

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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