Game over: 8 game characters to avoid when seeking love advice

Videogame characters live epic existences. They save worlds, blow things up, achieve ultimate power and get the girl. But that’s them. You’re you. You don’t have ultimate power, you can’t save the world, and people call the cops when you blow things up. However, you can still get the girl – IF you take your cues from the right game characters. In other words: not these guys.

Nathan Drake, Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune

Go on and kiss the girl.

Above: Elena: “We’re going to dinner and movie after this, right?” – Nate: “Uhh…” Elena: “Nate?!” 

After a perilous adventure involving pirates, zombies and treasure, always kiss the girl in the end. Always. Don’t let anyone (like an impatient Sullivan) or anything (like a plethora of gold) distract you. If you’re feelin’ it and she’s feelin’ it, do it. Nate hesitates and forfeits one powerful climactic moment. The music fades and an awkward silence ensues.

Clichés aside, girls want to be kissed, and you’ll never be hotter than when you single-handedly defeat hordes of zombies and pirates. So don’t choke; don’t miss the opportunity to sweep a girl off her feet.

Note: Nate redeems himself in the sequel, but only after saving a lost civilization and breaking ties with a sleazy ex-girlfriend. Not every girl will be so patient.

Mario, Super Mario Bros.

Get a job… and a clue.

Above: Maybe a plunger would help, Mario? 

In his 25 years of professional plumbing, Mario can’t hold on to Princess Peach. Job stability wise, has he ever plumbed anything? Sure, he crawls around in pipes and sewers, but then so do rats. Has he ever used a plunger or wrench as a weapon? I don't buy it. He's fake. Perhaps that's why the princess is always getting "kidnapped." Maybe she’s looking for a little danger and a bad boy named Bowser, who owns castles in clouds and volcanoes, may fill that void. Or maybe she just wants someone with more career ambition.

Above: Look into her eyes, Mario. The Princess doesn’t care who wins, she’s just thrilled men are fighting over her 

Clearly, Luigi needs to smack Mario upside the head with a dancing Koopa. Recognize the unhealthy relationship, guys, and stop chasing the girl who doesn’t want to be caught.

Snow Villiers, Final Fantasy XIII

Cast your arrogance aside and come back to Earth.

Above: Not too shabby… when his mouth is closed 

Unless you want a girl to choke on her own vomit, here’s a phrase to avoid when wooing a girl: “Your hero has arrived, baby!” Snow’s downfall is that he’s overtly obnoxious. Every fist-in-hand gesture and pearly-white smile of optimism is enough to make even the most level-headed girl roll her eyes and join PSICOM. A real hero doesn’t need to prance around like a king and announce himself to the world. (Because of Snow’s self-righteous attitude, I denied him fight time, and I never leveled him up. The less of his revolting bantering, the better. And I saved planet Cocoon without him.)

Tommy Vercetti, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Watch the carbs and the STDs.

Above: Strolling along the beach at sunset with Tommy… rather, running through traffic at dusk with Vice City’s most wanted

It’s true that women love men who clean up well. That doesn’t just mean dress well. Don’t be like Tommy, whose idea of a date is to pick up a chick on the strip only to hack her up with a machete while watching the sun rise. Not only is this illegal, it’s morally damning. No sane woman thinks a man who marches around in tropical garb swinging a chainsaw is attractive. The bottom line is, although girls like "bad boys," Tommy isn't the type of bad boy you bring home to mommy, especially since he was mingling with hookers in the ‘80s, a time when STDs were as common as cans of Aqua Net.

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  • NightCrawler_358 - February 15, 2011 3:12 a.m.

    How about Hope in FFXIII? Every time a woman touches him or even gets near him he breaks out in constipated grunting and/or tears. But yeah, Snow is a jerk.
  • lovinmyps3 - February 15, 2011 2 a.m.

    lol. Nate seriously needed to kiss Elena at the end. Chloe was hot, but not the settling down type. At least they kissed at the end of 2!
  • CancerMan - February 15, 2011 12:33 a.m.

    I can't hate Snow. Not when he has that many hit points.
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - February 14, 2011 10:07 p.m.

    Ezio can get the ladies, but can't hold onto them.
  • avantguardian - February 14, 2011 9:05 p.m.

    thank you for dissing chloe in uncharted takes quite a bit to make me hope a character bites it, and she was a more than worthy candidate:)
  • RicePuddingUK - February 14, 2011 8:32 p.m.

    Where's Max Payne!?
  • Japanaman - February 14, 2011 3:03 p.m.

    What? No Leon Kennedy? The dude acts all goofy around Ada. He should have let her die in RE2. He's a character that can't do the right thing when he's around her. How many times has she interfered with him trying to eliminate Umbrella and the virus?
  • thejadefalcon - February 14, 2011 11:01 a.m.

    "Girls generally steer clear of any guy who has an "online girlfriend" or, what’s worse, a life-sized doll. The warning flag in a female’s brain alerts her that the boy has some mommy issues that need to be addressed. Why does this man lack the self-confidence to handle a real woman?" Sheer bollocks. Girls don't do that, retards do.
  • quincytheodore - February 14, 2011 9:56 a.m.

    Oh, thank you including Snow.. Every time he shouts, "Your hero is here" I almost puke. Ah the vanity... I hoped someone would punch him in the face, and Lightning did! I'm in love since then. Isaac Clarke would be here. Stop dreaming... ..if not for Dead Space 2
  • sgloomy - February 14, 2011 6:10 a.m.

    seriously, Kratos shouldn't be on here, the dude Boned the Goddess of Love [ Multiple times] then went ahead and killed her husband, what more do people want? if that is not passionate enough, I don't know what is.
  • FanofSaiyan - February 14, 2011 4:06 a.m.

    Cloud-Final Fantasy VII Protect your significant other... Great article. Keep up the good work.
  • 510BrotherPanda - February 14, 2011 2:08 a.m.

    Great "DISNEY'S LITTLE MERMAID" reference at the beginning, Ms. Morono! Being a lame video game nerd, I have learned a lot from this article...
  • FVDub - February 14, 2011 1:10 a.m.

    Great article, but Qwark is the ultimate ladies man! I would like to add: Ethan Mars- He just mopes about his son being kidnapped all the time and he needs way too much maintenance is fixing up broken bones, burnt skin, and missing limbs. Samus Aran- Based off of Other M, she is a whiny, annoying child incapable of doing anything without a man's consent (which might be good, I don't know). Alan Wake- I don't care if he spends his game looking for his wife, he is a jerk. Captain Smiley and Star- From Comic Jumper. The most sexist characters is a terribly sexist game. It was funny at first but not after the next 50 or so misogynist jabs.
  • philipshaw - February 14, 2011 12:45 a.m.

    Great feature
  • RonnyLive19881 - February 13, 2011 11:59 p.m.

    My God... GR have you ever played Paper Mario?
  • g4m3rk1dd - February 13, 2011 11:56 p.m.

    lol i dont think anybody plays as snow...he just talks too much and hes just lame altogether
  • Clovin64 - February 13, 2011 8:15 p.m.

    After reading about these guys I suddenly feel much more confident about my own ability to woo the ladies.
  • Zeb364 - February 13, 2011 7:52 p.m.

    Kratos may not get love but he does get QTE sex minigames...that's...something?
  • CoktorBloktopus - February 13, 2011 7:52 p.m.

    Thankfully the GamesRadar Doctor of Love has come to point all of us nerds onto the right path. Thank you Deanna Morono.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - February 13, 2011 6:27 p.m.

    Agreed on Snow- he might have been one of the best tanks in the game, but he's kind of an asshole.