Videogame characters live epic existences. They save worlds, blow things up, achieve ultimate power and get the girl. But that’s them. You’re you. You don’t have ultimate power, you can’t save the world, and people call the cops when you blow things up. However, you can still get the girl – IF you take your cues from the right game characters. In other words: not these guys.
Go on and kiss the girl.
Above: Elena: “We’re going to dinner and movie after this, right?” – Nate: “Uhh…” Elena: “Nate?!”
After a perilous adventure involving pirates, zombies and treasure, always kiss the girl in the end. Always. Don’t let anyone (like an impatient Sullivan) or anything (like a plethora of gold) distract you. If you’re feelin’ it and she’s feelin’ it, do it. Nate hesitates and forfeits one powerful climactic moment. The music fades and an awkward silence ensues.
Clichés aside, girls want to be kissed, and you’ll never be hotter than when you single-handedly defeat hordes of zombies and pirates. So don’t choke; don’t miss the opportunity to sweep a girl off her feet.
Note: Nate redeems himself in the sequel, but only after saving a lost civilization and breaking ties with a sleazy ex-girlfriend. Not every girl will be so patient.
Get a job… and a clue.
Above: Maybe a plunger would help, Mario?
In his 25 years of professional plumbing, Mario can’t hold on to Princess Peach. Job stability wise, has he ever plumbed anything? Sure, he crawls around in pipes and sewers, but then so do rats. Has he ever used a plunger or wrench as a weapon? I don't buy it. He's fake. Perhaps that's why the princess is always getting "kidnapped." Maybe she’s looking for a little danger and a bad boy named Bowser, who owns castles in clouds and volcanoes, may fill that void. Or maybe she just wants someone with more career ambition.
Above: Look into her eyes, Mario. The Princess doesn’t care who wins, she’s just thrilled men are fighting over her
Clearly, Luigi needs to smack Mario upside the head with a dancing Koopa. Recognize the unhealthy relationship, guys, and stop chasing the girl who doesn’t want to be caught.
Cast your arrogance aside and come back to Earth.
Above: Not too shabby… when his mouth is closed
Unless you want a girl to choke on her own vomit, here’s a phrase to avoid when wooing a girl: “Your hero has arrived, baby!” Snow’s downfall is that he’s overtly obnoxious. Every fist-in-hand gesture and pearly-white smile of optimism is enough to make even the most level-headed girl roll her eyes and join PSICOM. A real hero doesn’t need to prance around like a king and announce himself to the world. (Because of Snow’s self-righteous attitude, I denied him fight time, and I never leveled him up. The less of his revolting bantering, the better. And I saved planet Cocoon without him.)
Watch the carbs and the STDs.
Above: Strolling along the beach at sunset with Tommy… rather, running through traffic at dusk with Vice City’s most wanted
It’s true that women love men who clean up well. That doesn’t just mean dress well. Don’t be like Tommy, whose idea of a date is to pick up a chick on the strip only to hack her up with a machete while watching the sun rise. Not only is this illegal, it’s morally damning. No sane woman thinks a man who marches around in tropical garb swinging a chainsaw is attractive. The bottom line is, although girls like "bad boys," Tommy isn't the type of bad boy you bring home to mommy, especially since he was mingling with hookers in the ‘80s, a time when STDs were as common as cans of Aqua Net.