Game over: 8 game characters to avoid when seeking love advice

Joseph Allen, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Beware of loving too much.

Above: Check out the file of Joseph Allen’s boss

For the love and dedication of his country, Private First Class Joseph Allen goes deep undercover to infiltrate a terrorist cell (which earns him kudos), but his attractiveness as a proper lover fizzles when his devotion to playing his role leads him to participate in the massacre of hundreds of innocent people in a Moscow airport. Instead of mowing down Makarov’s goons and dying a hero, his unwavering loyalty pilots him to his grave as a terrorist. Too much passion in a relationship could prove as devastating. Don’t smother a woman by pouring all your attention over her all the time, for a woman’s scorn is worse than a bullet to the head.

Master Chief, Halo

Cut all ties with the other lady friend.

ABOVE: There’s no way around it. It’s just disturbing

In every galactic mission to save humanity, Master Chief has a close comrade, a holographic artificial-intelligence, Cortana. She’s always with Master Chief, and it’s hard not to think, ‘Hey, is something going on here?’ Is Master Chief in love with his AI? Talk about disturbing.

Girls generally steer clear of any guy who has an "online girlfriend" or, what’s worse, a life-sized doll. The warning flag in a female’s brain alerts her that the boy has some mommy issues that need to be addressed. Why does this man lack the self-confidence to handle a real woman? You may argue that Master Chief is not in love with Cortana, that it’s just a strong bond between the two. Gentlemen, girls will be jealous of any other female who shares a bond with you, including an AI. Especially those with porn star curves.

Kratos, God of War

Don’t give in to your anger.

Above: A postcard from the Underworld. – Love, Kratos

While men who strive for success can be appealing, Kratos is obsessed with becoming a god. Blinded by his craving for power, he murders his wife and daughter. His rage spurs him onward into madness, and the bloodbath begins. You can’t expect to serve 10 years of your life to the gods, perfect the art of killing those gods and then hope to come home and get cuddly with your woman. She won’t want to kiss your blood-stained, ashy forehead. Take heed: Kratos’ need to vent his constant rage will always come before love. Toss aside your Blades of Chaos and chill out or you, like he, will always be alone.

Copernicus Leslie Qwark, Ratchet and Clank

Be a man, not a mouse.

ABOVE: No, he’s not running away… he’s creating a... distraction

Here's a fellow who is all talk. Captain Qwark lies for his own profit (his first fib being the Blargian Snagglebeast pit incident) and schemes his way in and out of trouble by hiding behind aliases (i.e. Steve, Dr. Fizwidget and Nurse Shannon). He oozes cowardice, made apparent when he’s flailing his arms and running from anything with teeth and a snarl. If Quark can’t save himself from a villain who periodically freezes to play soap operas in his head, he’s never going to get a girlfriend. Girls want a man with backbone. You don’t need to be fearless, but c’mon. A guy needs to suit up and save a galaxy himself once in a while.

Feb 13, 2011

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