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Game characters that time forgot

There's one thing more annoying than a game character that outstays their welcome, and that's a game character that vanishes too quickly. They may live on in memory, or eke out an existence on XBLA, Virtual Console or old-school compilations, but they are caught in the curious predicament of staying forever young while ageing horribly in today's hyper-fast world of mega-power gaming.

This article is dedicated to some of the game characters that deserved more (except Croc), but were, for whatever reason, left behind. Forever frozen in the past like 16-bit popsicles. These are the game characters that time forgot.

Memory dump: Monkey-a-like bouffant sporting one-hit-death generously eared snubbed in favour of Sonic cheeky cherub-faced rice-ball munching wielding fists of 'Shellcore' rock-smashery couldn't save the Master System II pro paper-scissors-stone player definitely-not-a-Mario-beating Sega contender.

Best Game: Alex Kidd in Miracle World (Master System, 1986)

Current status: Recently dusted off for an 'unlockable character' appearance in Sega Superstar Tennis. Has also joined the swollen ranks of retro has-beens on Virtual Console.

Memory dump: Dream-bothering elemental magic casting dungeon-sacking mute murderer of demons casino patronising bastard-haired solver of bastard-hard puzzles top-down 2D loyalist from 3D obsessed 32-bit era cheaply disregarded as a Legend of Zelda clone typically effeminate elf-eared elf boy completely absent from the nothing-to-do-with-the-original Alundra 2.

Best (and only) Game: Alundra (PSOne, 1997)

Current status: Completely forgotten. It's like everyone who ever owned a PSOne was spiked with amnesia pills.

Memory dump: Ninja Turtle bandwagoning skin-condition based moniker fun-poking enemies of the hot looking for a 2D-sprite Dark Queen side-scrolling heavy-fisted pork punching stars of a never made it past the pilot cartoon show amphibious ambassadors of incredo NES graphics and snot-gobbling sadistic gameplay.

Best Game: Battletoads (NES, 1991)

Current status: Recently enjoyed an internet-inspired renaissance. See the evidence here. XBLA is probably the best bet for a bonafide revisiting seeing that Battletoads developer Rare is now on the Microsoft payroll.



Memory dump:
Solid-skulled shape-shifting head-butting King Drool damaging delinquent cave dweller meat-eating swimming in hat-wearing dinosaur's guts teeth-climbing canyon jumping cloud bouncing moon walking flipping through air bizarre-ass boss beating smiley face collecting close but no cigar TurboGrafx mascot.

Best game: Bonk 3: Bonk's Big Adventure (TurboGrafx-16, 1993)

Current status: Destined to live out his prehistoric days on Virtual Console and suffering in mobile phone purgatory.

Memory dump: Once-upon-a-time fictional face of Capcom 15 minutes of fame in underrated Final Fight-a-like punch and kick them down brawler energy glove fitted sunglasses in outer space enemy burning Blanka-style electricity attacks protector of Universe against Scumocide best boss name ever more famous for Marvel Vs Capcom cameos undisputed narcissistic Captain of Commandos.

Best game: Captain Commando (SNES, 1995)

Current Status: Last seen 2002 trading blows in Marvel Vs Capcom 2.



Memory Dump: Vanilla sweet vanilla gaming inexplicably popular torturous 3D ledge jumping spin attack bounce on crates enemies everything banality Gobbo rescuing gong banging crystal bagging pea eating stupid cute faced in no way endearing Crash Bandicoot wannabe foolishly positioned as Mario beater probably best left forgotten croc of shit.

Best Game: Croc: Legend of the Gobbos (PSOne, 1997)

Current Status: Let's join hands and dance on his grave.

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55 comments

  • SenorSlaughter - December 1, 2010 7:09 a.m.

    Did anyone else notice that in the under water level, Vector man turns into a dildo rocket?
  • Lu1SS3 - February 16, 2010 9:50 p.m.

    I hav3 all of th3m in jUSt 1 d1Sc
  • FanofSaiyan - January 31, 2010 6 p.m.

    So true about Battletoads and Kroc. Old wounds heal slow...
  • robotechandnarutosucks - January 21, 2010 12:40 a.m.

    all of these are childish and stupid.
  • Franjman - October 24, 2009 8:59 p.m.

    Wonder boy is a frikin fairy wtf kind of person makes up a super hero like that.
  • TheHiphopopotamus - October 29, 2008 12:17 a.m.

    What about Shinobi?!?!? On the Mega Drive...Shinobi 1 was the best BY FAR. On the old 9 in 1 on the Sega. Best thing ever. Streets of Rage, Golden Axe and Shinobi. And that world cup competition. So amazing.
  • NEOGILLZ - September 18, 2008 1:24 a.m.

    I dont remimber eny of thes stoopid games!!!!!
  • cazza7912 - September 14, 2008 5:04 a.m.

    omg alex kidd is a gun! what happened? lol i remember playing his games when i was younger.
  • crazyqazqaz - September 13, 2008 5:02 p.m.

    Woah there!! What the hell happened to full stops and commas?? Not one of your better ideas G.R. - youneedtosortoutyourgrammar!! LOL!!
  • georgeguy - September 13, 2008 11:29 a.m.

    is wonder boy gay??
  • Alcyones - September 13, 2008 3:41 a.m.

    Oh man , awesome memories are rushing through my mind !
  • Pizzahead910 - September 13, 2008 12:54 a.m.

    Vector Man , Croc...good times.
  • fearzinger - September 12, 2008 11:27 p.m.

    dude , croc was dope.
  • Johnny6Gun - September 12, 2008 8:41 p.m.

    Kwirk! Star of the Power Team, from the forgotten Video Power gaming show from the early 90's! If you thought Captain N was shit, look that up. Me-ouch!
  • Pencil&Eraser - September 12, 2008 8:07 p.m.

    *site Wow, I fail.
  • Pencil&Eraser - September 12, 2008 8:06 p.m.

    Matt Cundy must never write any articles on this sight ever again until he finishes fourth grade english.
  • onlyregisteredtopostthis - September 12, 2008 5:28 p.m.

    "This article is dedicated to some of the game characters that deserved more (except Croc)" I'm sorry... do I owe you money or something? Nic.
  • jayson_90210 - September 12, 2008 6:44 a.m.

    Ahh, Alundra, great game but hard, still sitting pride of place on my games shelf, might dust it off but gonna look terrible on an HDTV i reckon
  • smallberry - September 12, 2008 6:26 a.m.

    I completely forgot Battletoads! Loved it.
  • Elbo444 - September 12, 2008 5:53 a.m.

    D: I've never heard of any of these, and I don't see why everyone is b*tching about the layout, I see nothing wrong with it

Showing 1-20 of 55 comments

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