Game characters that time forgot

The contenders of yesteryear remembered

There's one thing more annoying than a game character that outstays their welcome, and that's a game character that vanishes too quickly. They may live on in memory, or eke out an existence on XBLA, Virtual Console or old-school compilations, but they are caught in the curious predicament of staying forever young while ageing horribly in today's hyper-fast world of mega-power gaming.

This article is dedicated to some of the game characters that deserved more (except Croc), but were, for whatever reason, left behind. Forever frozen in the past like 16-bit popsicles. These are the game characters that time forgot.

Memory dump: Monkey-a-like bouffant sporting one-hit-death generously eared snubbed in favour of Sonic cheeky cherub-faced rice-ball munching wielding fists of 'Shellcore' rock-smashery couldn't save the Master System II pro paper-scissors-stone player definitely-not-a-Mario-beating Sega contender.

Best Game: Alex Kidd in Miracle World (Master System, 1986)

Current status: Recently dusted off for an 'unlockable character' appearance in Sega Superstar Tennis. Has also joined the swollen ranks of retro has-beens on Virtual Console.

Memory dump: Dream-bothering elemental magic casting dungeon-sacking mute murderer of demons casino patronising bastard-haired solver of bastard-hard puzzles top-down 2D loyalist from 3D obsessed 32-bit era cheaply disregarded as a Legend of Zelda clone typically effeminate elf-eared elf boy completely absent from the nothing-to-do-with-the-original Alundra 2.

Best (and only) Game: Alundra (PSOne, 1997)

Current status: Completely forgotten. It's like everyone who ever owned a PSOne was spiked with amnesia pills.

Memory dump: Ninja Turtle bandwagoning skin-condition based moniker fun-poking enemies of the hot looking for a 2D-sprite Dark Queen side-scrolling heavy-fisted pork punching stars of a never made it past the pilot cartoon show amphibious ambassadors of incredo NES graphics and snot-gobbling sadistic gameplay.

Best Game: Battletoads (NES, 1991)

Current status: Recently enjoyed an internet-inspired renaissance. See the evidence here. XBLA is probably the best bet for a bonafide revisiting seeing that Battletoads developer Rare is now on the Microsoft payroll.



Memory dump: Solid-skulled shape-shifting head-butting King Drool damaging delinquent cave dweller meat-eating swimming in hat-wearing dinosaur's guts teeth-climbing canyon jumping cloud bouncing moon walking flipping through air bizarre-ass boss beating smiley face collecting close but no cigar TurboGrafx mascot.

Best game: Bonk 3: Bonk's Big Adventure (TurboGrafx-16, 1993)

Current status: Destined to live out his prehistoric days on Virtual Console and suffering in mobile phone purgatory.

Memory dump: Once-upon-a-time fictional face of Capcom 15 minutes of fame in underrated Final Fight-a-like punch and kick them down brawler energy glove fitted sunglasses in outer space enemy burning Blanka-style electricity attacks protector of Universe against Scumocide best boss name ever more famous for Marvel Vs Capcom cameos undisputed narcissistic Captain of Commandos.

Best game: Captain Commando (SNES, 1995)

Current Status: Last seen 2002 trading blows in Marvel Vs Capcom 2.



Memory Dump: Vanilla sweet vanilla gaming inexplicably popular torturous 3D ledge jumping spin attack bounce on crates enemies everything banality Gobbo rescuing gong banging crystal bagging pea eating stupid cute faced in no way endearing Crash Bandicoot wannabe foolishly positioned as Mario beater probably best left forgotten croc of shit.

Best Game: Croc: Legend of the Gobbos (PSOne, 1997)

Current Status: Let's join hands and dance on his grave.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.

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