Fake ass Shark games

Admittedly, “SHARK!” certainly makes for a compelling headline (see above). For the most part, humanity recognizes the authority these bloodthirsty badasses hold over 2/3rds of the globe, and uses their name sparingly and only when necessary. Unfortunately, a few bad apples could potentially spoil the unspoken treaty between Man and Shark. These shameless opportunists had the unmitigated gall to invoke the name of The Lion of the Sea purely to hawk their unrelated wares… And we have a problem with this, big time!

It’s not a matter of if sharks will rise up and demand residuals; it’s when. And we’ll be the first to happily throw these deceitful developers to our newly gill-less and multi-jawed overlords like so much chum for parasitically ascribing the majesty of these beasts to golf sims and flight shooters. As you’ll see, an overwhelming majority of these titles are but a distant Google memory, and would’ve undoubtedly remained more obscure had it not been for the boost from the sacred “Shark” moniker.

Sewer Shark

1992

WHAT IS IT?

A laughable on-rails FMV game set in a future where mankind is forced to live underground and hunt mutant “Ratigators,” otherwise known as “not sharks.”

Above: If that dude is eating a shark, mankind is doomed 

AT A GOOGLE IMAGE GLANCE

Above: Bid less if you can 

Due to its infamously shitty status, Google is fairly aware of Sewer Shark. Thus you can find numerous YouTube vids and eBay listings that further mock its memory. But this feature ain’t about that…

OUR BETTER, LITERAL INTERPRETATION

Sky Shark

1987 

WHAT IS IT?

A top-down WWII shooter featuring six weapon upgrades, three modes of difficulty and two-player support. It was only after countless hours of Shark-based diplomacy that Taito was talked down from using the original Japanese title: Flying Shark. If you’re going to insensitively point out the shark’s shortcomings, you may as well be poking it with a stick.

AT A GOOGLE IMAGE GLANCE

Not only did this forgettable Taito title crib from Sharks, it had the audacity to play off our rabid patriotism by riding the coattails of the brave bombardiers of WWII. That’s almost Un-American… or Japanese.

OUR BETTER, LITERAL INTERPRETATION

911 Tiger Shark

1985 

WHAT IS IT?

How does Dunlop Tires showcase its performance parts in this abysmal Commodore 64 title? By putting you in the role of Extreme Soccer Mom, inconceivably tasked with picking up multiple passengers in what looks to be a two-seater Porsche!

AT A GOOGLE IMAGE GLANCE

Above: JESUS F***ING CHRIST!!! 

OUR BETTER, LITERAL INTERPRETATION

Above: HELL F***ING YEAH!!!