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Fake ass Shark games

Admittedly, “SHARK!” certainly makes for a compelling headline (see above). For the most part, humanity recognizes the authority these bloodthirsty badasses hold over 2/3rds of the globe, and uses their name sparingly and only when necessary. Unfortunately, a few bad apples could potentially spoil the unspoken treaty between Man and Shark. These shameless opportunists had the unmitigated gall to invoke the name of The Lion of the Sea purely to hawk their unrelated wares… And we have a problem with this, big time!

It’s not a matter of if sharks will rise up and demand residuals; it’s when. And we’ll be the first to happily throw these deceitful developers to our newly gill-less and multi-jawed overlords like so much chum for parasitically ascribing the majesty of these beasts to golf sims and flight shooters. As you’ll see, an overwhelming majority of these titles are but a distant Google memory, and would’ve undoubtedly remained more obscure had it not been for the boost from the sacred “Shark” moniker.


Sewer Shark

1992


WHAT IS IT?

A laughable on-rails FMV game set in a future where mankind is forced to live underground and hunt mutant “Ratigators,” otherwise known as “not sharks.”



Above: If that dude is eating a shark, mankind is doomed 


AT A GOOGLE IMAGE GLANCE

Above: Bid less if you can 

Due to its infamously shitty status, Google is fairly aware of Sewer Shark. Thus you can find numerous YouTube vids and eBay listings that further mock its memory. But this feature ain’t about that…

OUR BETTER, LITERAL INTERPRETATION




Sky Shark

1987 

WHAT IS IT?

A top-down WWII shooter featuring six weapon upgrades, three modes of difficulty and two-player support. It was only after countless hours of Shark-based diplomacy that Taito was talked down from using the original Japanese title: Flying Shark. If you’re going to insensitively point out the shark’s shortcomings, you may as well be poking it with a stick.



AT A GOOGLE IMAGE GLANCE

Not only did this forgettable Taito title crib from Sharks, it had the audacity to play off our rabid patriotism by riding the coattails of the brave bombardiers of WWII. That’s almost Un-American… or Japanese.


OUR BETTER, LITERAL INTERPRETATION



911 Tiger Shark

1985 

WHAT IS IT?

How does Dunlop Tires showcase its performance parts in this abysmal Commodore 64 title? By putting you in the role of Extreme Soccer Mom, inconceivably tasked with picking up multiple passengers in what looks to be a two-seater Porsche!




AT A GOOGLE IMAGE GLANCE

Above: JESUS F***ING CHRIST!!! 

OUR BETTER, LITERAL INTERPRETATION

Above: HELL F***ING YEAH!!! 

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65 comments

  • Heyexclamationpoint - August 8, 2009 1:07 a.m.

    Not only does Carcharodon steal from sharks and Metallica, but the game box cover looks suspiciously alot like the cover to Iron Maiden's Can I Play With Madness single.
  • Tymiegie - August 7, 2009 6:13 p.m.

    An absolute joy to read about how the great creatures known as sharks have been tainted by puny humans stealing their glory.
  • disturbedanomaly36 - August 6, 2009 3:34 a.m.

    wow, Yu-Gi-Oh, that is a perfect example of shit 2nd grade kiddies buy. i was always made fun of because i didnt have any of those foil picture ass-wipes. now, they falsely acuse me of playing with them. arnt school-bullies dumbf***ers
  • super0sonic - August 5, 2009 11:25 p.m.

    YAY the Shark Flying out of the sewer is the best one!!
  • SaulFidgeonGuy - August 5, 2009 8:09 p.m.

    lol great article liked the white sharks bit, whitest sharks u know! :L but dr.mcninja already beat you to the jawesome joke, check the t-shirt part on the website
  • Csheroe - August 5, 2009 7:06 p.m.

    Awesome. Ha, I wouldn't pay 1.00 for Sewer Shark.
  • Unoriginal - August 5, 2009 2:55 p.m.

    IF sky sharks excisted I'd die happy.
  • TanookiMan - August 5, 2009 1:41 p.m.

    @theschwartzb did that teach you to stop ramming your brother? The Street Sharks show was just a vehicle to sell the toys. I bought em...
  • dante1924 - August 5, 2009 1:30 p.m.

    Wait, that pool shark 3rd image was real? Who the hell puts a shark in their pool? TIGER SHARK!!!!!!!! That carcharodon image has something familiar on it... Holy crap, is that the alien? ReCaptcha: will slovenly
  • FreekinIdiot - August 5, 2009 10:18 a.m.

    My boss just walked past my desk and asked why I was looking at pictures of flaming/flying/sewer dwelling/card tossing sharks... I replied 'Erm, I, er, it's shark week?' Good thing I have my appraisal coming up next week...think I'm going to get a pay increase...
  • HeavyTank - August 5, 2009 8:50 a.m.

    Haha lol sharks rule... They are the coolest sea carnivores and they are the coolset land carnivores (if they are land sharks :P )
  • phoenix_wings - August 5, 2009 6:10 a.m.

    Lol at least now somebody will know who the dude in that contest collage is. Maybe....
  • darkvare - August 5, 2009 3:01 a.m.

    i still have my street shark figure
  • Corsair89 - August 5, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    My God, Street Sharks... Wow, that is unwanted nostaglia. Also, you guys give me another excuse want to kill that bastard JabberJaw.
  • Rattlehead - August 5, 2009 1:08 a.m.

    I might use Communist Jabberjaw as an avatar. Gambit shark was awesome as well
  • RandomIdoit - August 4, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    YU-GI-OH SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • BenL98 - August 4, 2009 10:50 p.m.

    Holly crap the STREET SHARKS!!!! Thought I would never see those guys again.
  • Architek9 - August 4, 2009 9:35 p.m.

    This article is epic win. The red shark part was my favorite I for one welcome our new gilled overlords
  • Terro - August 4, 2009 9:21 p.m.

    I now want a Fire shark for my birthday. Please? Captchat: Silly MC Tim Westwood anyone?
  • lucashintz - August 4, 2009 9:20 p.m.

    Can I also marry this article? Well,if not,I got a nice new avatar from this...

Showing 1-20 of 65 comments

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