Short of Shigsy stepping off the stage to give us a sensual backrub and a sirloin steak during his Zelda presentation, there ain’t much more Nintendo could have done to win us over at this year's E3. We’ll admit it: we’ve fallen for the company all over again. And that’s due in no small part to the triumphant return of a certain tie-sporting simian.
Yup, the Kong has returned to his glorious 2D roots after 14 years in the wilderness. Below, we reveal the little things we already love about his comeback that make us happier than a 25-foot gorilla on a vacation in New York, with a hot blonde and banana split the size of a Buick.
It returns Donkey to where he belongs
Diddy Kong (rubbish). Dixie Kong (nowhere near as hot as Candy). Kiddy Kong (actually, we like the burly infantile ape). Eh… anyway, the point is Donkey was unfairly put on the bench to accommodate these so-so sidekicks in both Diddy’s Quest and Double Trouble. It means we’ve not controlled our big, beautiful primate in a proper 2D platformer since the original DKC in 1994. This, my fellow 16-bit gorilla enthusiasts, simply won’t stand.
Above: Donkey's days of rotting away in Mario Golf are over
That’s why we’re so happy to see Donkey Kong Country Returns putting its title character back where he belongs. Front and centre… and gorging himself on potassium-rich fruit. Frankly, Nintendo’s iconic furry fella has had to put up with playing golf, bashing drums and fitting his epic ape asscheeks into tiny go-kart seats for far too long. The time of being relegated to bit parts is over. The Kong is back!
ZOMG! F*CKING MINECARTS!
Snap out of it. Don’t make us slap you again. We’re all extremely excited about Returns bringing the mine cart level back after its cruel decline in recent years. The footage we’ve seen hints at an experience ever bit as nerve-shredding and intense as the original Mine Cart Carnage. All Retro has to do now is put in that theme, and it’s all good. Well, until Wiimotes starting flying through plasma screens after 17 f*cked up jumps on the trot. Which they almost certainly will.
Above: Ah memories... of breaking SNES pads in frustration
It’s the same… but different
Whoa, cosmic, man. Get past the ludicrously deep shit hinted at in the above header and we’ll tell you how. While the core experience of collecting bananas, switching between Donkey and Diddy and generally crushing as many craniums as possible remains; Returns has clearly been influenced by modern side scrollers.
Above: Kong's been around the block
One of the early levels we’ve seen shows our primate pals switching plains (ala Shadow Complex and LittleBigPlanet) via the game’s famous barrels. On top of that, we’ve also got Donkey's new ground pound (activated with a shake of the Wiimote), his ability to climb up grassy walls and the small matter of…