Dude, where's my genitals?

It kind of bugs us that naked man animals in games are missing the very anatomical equipment that defines them as men. We think it's massively unfair that they are never given any bollocks, especially considering that lady beasts are actually dressed with extra bits to enhance and accentuate their sexuality.

To show what an abhorrent disservice game designers have been doing to dangling animal scrotums over the years, we've picked out a selection of gaming's manly animals and compared them to their real-world brothers. We think you'll be dismayed by gaming's absolute lack of love for representing animal scrotums.

Look at angry old Kuma. The designers obviously tried really hard to make Tekken's fighting bear look especially mean and ferocious. He's got a big growly mouth and paws like hairy battering rams. But all that belligerence is for nowt thanks to the complete absence of any balls. This is what man bears actually look like:

Even Heihachi would think twice before stepping into the ring with an opponent that had such a formidable pair of animal knackers in their corner. Scrotally intimidating.

Thanks to the internet, this particular squirrel's nuts are the most famous set of low riders in the entire animal kingdom. As for the distinctly nut-less Conker, we're disappointed that even during his edgier bad fur days he was always minus any man danglers.

There's nothing more natural than a dog giving its balls a thoroughly good taste-test. So while Fable II's pooch barks, does tricks and loyally follows its owner about, without any tightly wound cock-weights to lick, it just doesn't feel right. So Fable III needs dog bollocks. And maybe make them customisable. That would be a pretty neat feature. But no dog shit. That's disgusting.

You may or may not know that the Tanooki Suit from Super Mario Bros 3 is named after creatures of Japanese folklore known as tanuki. You may or may not know that the tanuki were known for being mischievous, playful and possessing humongous scrotums. Unfortunately, when Mario wears the Tanooki Suit, the omission of oversized testicles means he doesn't do anything as exciting as this:

Animal Crossing's Tom Nook is also a tanuki. He doesn't assault fish with a gigantic groinal sack either.




  • axelgarcia1 - July 26, 2010 4:50 a.m.

    what about sonic and his friends? Daxter. Murray from Sly Cooper.
  • brickman409 - November 28, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    how do you know the fable 2 dog is a guy?
  • AuthorityFigure - November 27, 2009 3:11 p.m.

    I've got a sudden urge to pinch and twist ater reading this...
  • Assassin4than - April 28, 2009 4:24 a.m.

    lol poor japanese folklore fish thing. getting smashed on the head with testicles. but even worse for the tanuki. HES HITTING HIS TESTICLES ON STUFF. OUCH
  • AuthorityFigure - April 25, 2009 1:41 a.m.

    This article has made me feel self-concious all of a sudden.
  • euanfranklin - April 12, 2009 10:39 a.m.

    you guys were clearly bored lol.
  • izayuh - February 11, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    LOL yeah the squirrel one is funny
  • Sash - February 11, 2009 1:11 p.m.

    Oh and Gromit from Wallace & Gromit.
  • The_Space_Wolf - February 11, 2009 4:37 a.m.

    I WAN'T CUSTOMIZABLE BALLS!!!! and yes it would be bad ass if you could customize the dogs balls in maybe a fable 3
  • Stabby_Joe - February 11, 2009 2:13 a.m.

    Give em a good kick!
  • Sycomycole - February 11, 2009 2:12 a.m.

    ROFL there is no better abrevieation to describe this.
  • FierceDeity - February 11, 2009 1:29 a.m.

    tanukis possess scrotums wow the japanese are crazy
  • TheWebSwinger - February 11, 2009 12:22 a.m.

    This article was just gross. Come on, can appeal to more than just the lowest common denominator!
  • Sash - February 10, 2009 1:17 p.m.

    You also have the Kangaroo and Raptor (and little dinosaur - Gon(??)) from Tekken. I believe they were males. What about Banjo from Banjo Kazooie? Did the collosus from SOTC have balls? Balls that could crush towns lol
  • dougle - February 10, 2009 9:56 a.m.

    this article=pure genius
  • Jimmyjammy - February 10, 2009 9:12 a.m.

    Waitaminute wasn't there an article a while ago called something like 'Genitals/sex you didn't noticle' and in that article wasn't there a tiger whose balls you (the site) were complaining about? So do you vote yea or nay on animal balls? A little contradictory I think GR.
  • Smeggs - February 10, 2009 2:20 a.m.

    WTF? Slow day at the office guys? I'm guessing so...
  • doomdoomdoom - February 10, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    These animals have more balls then the balls in your mouth like your mom last night
  • madsick1 - February 9, 2009 11:44 p.m.

    Enjoyed all the different ways English people can say "balls"
  • Gonri 13 - February 9, 2009 10:34 p.m.

    @ RonnyLive The Tanuki are the Racoons from Pom Poko you are exactly right. Hee hee they have giant balls... Good film though in all seriousness.

Showing 1-20 of 52 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000