Dude, where's my genitals?

We explore the missing bits of gaming's male animal characters

To show what an abhorrent disservice game designers have been doing to dangling animal scrotums over the years, we've picked out a selection of gaming's manly animals and compared them to their real-world brothers. We think you'll be dismayed by gaming's absolute lack of love for representing animal scrotums.

Look at angry old Kuma. The designers obviously tried really hard to make Tekken's fighting bear look especially mean and ferocious. He's got a big growly mouth and paws like hairy battering rams. But all that belligerence is for nowt thanks to the complete absence of any balls. This is what man bears actually look like:

Even Heihachi would think twice before stepping into the ring with an opponent that had such a formidable pair of animal knackers in their corner. Scrotally intimidating.

Thanks to the internet, this particular squirrel's nuts are the most famous set of low riders in the entire animal kingdom. As for the distinctly nut-less Conker, we're disappointed that even during his edgier bad fur days he was always minus any man danglers.

There's nothing more natural than a dog giving its balls a thoroughly good taste-test. So while Fable II's pooch barks, does tricks and loyally follows its owner about, without any tightly wound cock-weights to lick, it just doesn't feel right. So Fable III needs dog bollocks. And maybe make them customisable. That would be a pretty neat feature. But no dog shit. That's disgusting.

You may or may not know that the Tanooki Suit from Super Mario Bros 3 is named after creatures of Japanese folklore known as tanuki. You may or may not know that the tanuki were known for being mischievous, playful and possessing humongous scrotums. Unfortunately, when Mario wears the Tanooki Suit, the omission of oversized testicles means he doesn't do anything as exciting as this:

Animal Crossing's Tom Nook is also a tanuki. He doesn't assault fish with a gigantic groinal sack either.


I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.


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