Dragon Age II's ESRB report exposes all the naughty bits

Like late night TV warnings and descriptive movie ratings, ESRB video game reports have a habit of increasing interest in a given piece of entertainment, rather than protecting consumers from its deviant, vile influences. Case in point: the organization's recent description of Dragon Age II which warns players of off-screen fellatio, awkward sex analogies and bloody body parts (not necessarily in that order).

Above: "I don't want to talk about it..."

Beyond slapping BioWare's upcoming action-RPG's with a 'Mature' rating, the ESRB has provided a revealing report on the game's friskier content. Among the standard warnings of blood, guts and decapitation, the description also states:

"During the course of the game, characters sometimes engage in sexual dialogue (e.g., 'Why is it always about sex with you?' and 'Sailing is like sex. Do it wrong, and it'll make you sick.'). Players can also initiate brief cutscene sequences in which couples (male-female or same-sex) are shown kissing and embracing one another in a bedroom as the screen fades to black. In one cutscene, a woman kneels in front of a male character and appears to perform fellatio—there is no depiction of the sex act; the camera pans out to the rest of the room."

Couldn't she be tying his shoes? Fixing a zipper? Rubbing out a ketchup stain? Oh, ESRB, sometimes I think it's you who has the dirty mind.

Dragon Age II sails the sexy seas on March 8th.

Feb 7, 2011

[Source: ESRB]

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  • swordsmen12 - February 13, 2011 10:37 p.m.

    wow Crabhand, Bioware has never crafted a rape simulator. You obviously have no Idea what you are talking about.
  • ThatGuyFromTV - February 9, 2011 12:57 a.m.

    am i the only one who thinks the guy in that looks like Irish from Red Dead?
  • rabidpotatochip - February 8, 2011 1:32 p.m.

    Judging by her outfit, it's clear that she has superior tailoring skills so I think we can safely assume she's performing a difficult repair on an embarrassing rip in his pants.
  • Letter11 - February 8, 2011 12:05 a.m.

    @Defguru7777 LOL! They would have a field day with this story!
  • hellodesdemona - February 7, 2011 11:38 p.m.

    I'll never forget the esrb description of Tales of Vesperia: "Several characters joke or remark about the physiques of two of the female members of the party. One is referred to as "flat-chested," while the other is called "Miss Bouncy-Bouncy." I laughed very hard after reading that the first time.
  • RicePuddingUK - February 7, 2011 11:02 p.m.

    Like any modern RGP it needs Gore, Blood, Swearing, Storyline, vivid locations and most importantly, TITS! Can't save the universe and end up not getting laid at some point.
  • Defguru7777 - February 7, 2011 10:58 p.m.

    Can anyone else hear a Fox News report?
  • Clovin64 - February 7, 2011 10:02 p.m.

    "Tying his shoes"? Entirely possible.
  • HitmanSB07 - February 7, 2011 9:31 p.m.

    @ Crabhand, thank you, you've made my day :)
  • FauxFurry - February 7, 2011 9:24 p.m.

    Sailing is like Sex? Disney has never made a movie trilogy with credit-sequence to credit-sequence sex scenes (or one with sex in space)! I've never even seen anybody on a news program claiming that all of those sailing scenes are turning children into pirates! They'll never get out of the Middle Ages if they don't learn more about either one in Thedas. Maybe the Circle of Magi could teach some kind of Sensual Spells and Reproductive Rites-Ed courses or something to get this little misconception cleared up?
  • Sy87 - February 7, 2011 9:11 p.m.

    I hate black out screens. Don't half arse stuff if your going to do just do it. Otherwise don't tease most people get slapped for teasing. Hahah jk. But seriously I pay for it I want uncersored.
  • Shagnasty - February 7, 2011 9:06 p.m.

    Dammit, no straight up Mass Effect sexiness? Only implied? I wanted to give new meaning to "drop and give me 40" in every Bioware universe.
  • Helios - February 7, 2011 9:01 p.m.

    "Do it wrong, and it'll make you sick." I laughed when I saw that.
  • Crabhand - February 7, 2011 8:13 p.m.

    What I gather from this is that Bioware has crafted another fine rape simulator.
  • Brutalicus - February 7, 2011 8:01 p.m.

    And DA2 keeps getting better and better. Giggity giggity goo.
  • FirLocke - February 7, 2011 7:54 p.m.

    Hohoho yeah.

Showing 1-16 of 16 comments

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