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Dismemberment, venereal disease, incest, and drunken killing: Bulletstorm, or best Christmas party ever?

Forget love. Forget religion. Forget the beauty of nature. Forget bungee jumping over alligators with the rope tied to your man-potatoes. Going off current evidence there is no experience more life-affirming than partaking in the creative destruction of Bulletstorm's limb-shredding, combo-killing anarchy. I found that out when I previewed Epic and People Can Fly's upcoming FPS batshit-'em-up, and this new content description from the ESRB's rating session only confirms it.

The staid, grey world of modern FPS is going to take a solid, Technicolor kick in the balls when Bulletstorm lands in February. Want to know just how amusing the shape of the bruise is going to be? It all starts out standard enough (for Bulletstorm) with a quick recap of the gameplay mechanics:

Above: Could I love Bulletstorm any more right now? No. No I could not

"Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls"

So far, so good then, particularly considering the revelation that "players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot". But how, pray tell, ESRB, is the ludicrous tone of the gameplay going to be reflected in the game's script?

Above: A bit like this

"The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., "Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp."). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as "f**k," "sh*t," "p*ssy," and "c*ck" can be heard in dialogue"

Fantastic. In fact given that I'm 99.99% sure that a good proportion of said dialogue is going to come from the mouth of Tim "Convicted cocaine trafficker turned Buzz Lightyear" Allen (nothing's confirmed, but watch that trailer up there and tell me it isn't him), I'm going to raise you a "fantastic" and use the word "marvellous".

Who's with me?

24 comments

  • celticsfan645 - January 8, 2011 10:07 p.m.

    Hey Tim Allen will get it done. Whether its being a tool show host, reluctant santa, a mutated dog or a toy astronaut, he is the man for the Job.
  • g4m3rk1dd - January 7, 2011 6:17 a.m.

    i just got this raging hard on...
  • waitingforCharlietosnap - January 7, 2011 3:12 a.m.

    It's like I should have a problem with this game, but I really don't... like, none.
  • RicePuddingUK - January 6, 2011 3:54 p.m.

    Meh, It looks good, but I would so much rather have Unreal Tournament 4, UT3 on the 360 seemed like a neglected port compared to the PC, I hope they take care with 4 on consoles.
  • BIOSback - January 6, 2011 1:30 a.m.

    @TRAVthe3RD lol nice Nostalgia Critic reference.
  • Markstone - January 5, 2011 10:41 p.m.

    My excitement level has surpassed 9000!
  • sed598 - January 5, 2011 10:35 p.m.

    @ wiitard07 Exactly! I couldnt remember who it was thanks man.
  • wiitard07 - January 5, 2011 9:20 p.m.

    That my friends is Tank Dempsey from the Call of Duty zombies maps
  • ObliqueZombie - January 5, 2011 8:55 p.m.

    @mdiaz033 No, it's aimed towards gamers who've grown tired of the monotonous, gray pallet of damn near every shooter not named "Halo." While gray is a favourite colour of mine (shade?), it's not exactly fun to look at nothing but gray while shooting all roughly-similar guns. (wihout 4 barrels, mind you) This game is trying to laugh in the faces of the serious shooters, and breath some life into the FPS scene that's growing ever more generic and cookie-cutter by the year.
  • wiitard07 - January 5, 2011 6:38 p.m.

    Did anyone else hear the hologram yell Ass fag*ot?
  • mdiaz033 - January 5, 2011 6:29 p.m.

    so basically, this crap is aimed towards 12-16 year old ADD sufferers?
  • Evil_AppleJuice - January 5, 2011 5:46 p.m.

    I too think thats tim allen, and it would be awesome if they had a unlockable buzz lightyear skin :D. Buzz was pretty intense before he was a space ranger...
  • metroid2099400 - January 5, 2011 5:19 p.m.

    After this, I'm really looking forward to this game! Also, that's totally Tim Allen.
  • batman5273 - January 5, 2011 5:04 p.m.

    I am definitely gonna get this game!
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - January 5, 2011 5:03 p.m.

    Rated M for Mental more like. GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME
  • taterboob - January 5, 2011 4:55 p.m.

    This game looks to be tailor made for butthurt politicians.
  • BaraChat - January 5, 2011 4 p.m.

    @Robx Definitely. Chuck Norris would approve.
  • Robx - January 5, 2011 3:13 p.m.

    Rated M for Manly.
  • superdude0905 - January 5, 2011 2:35 p.m.

    I think the hymen of several Call of Duty players just broke, i miss these FPS, makes no sense + blood + "badassery" = pre-order for me
  • KnightDehumidifier - January 5, 2011 2:05 p.m.

    BUY ME BULLETSTORM OR GO TO HELL!

Showing 1-20 of 24 comments

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