That%26rsquo;s not how a woman%26rsquo;s breasts are supposed to move. That was our first thought upon loading Dead or Alive: Paradise. They don%26rsquo;t so much bounce as fight hard to get away from each other like two angry badgers in a sack. Not that we%26rsquo;ve dwelled on it, of course, but a man can%26rsquo;t spend all his time reflecting on the deepening social rifts caused by hyper-capitalism.
Paradise is far from a normal game. There%26rsquo;s no real aim or objective. You choose from a selection of ten Dead or Alive lovelies, travel to a fictional island and mess around. With other girls. Sadly, that isn%26rsquo;t as exciting as it sounds. The range of activities on offer are simple %26ndash; almost insultingly so at times %26ndash; with the volleyball games the real highlight. Elsewhere Pool Hop, where you er, hop across a pool by pressing a sequence of buttons, is distracting but not entertaining. In the evening you can visit a casino and play Blackjack, Poker and Slot machines.
But the minigames mask Paradise%26rsquo;s true challenge: befriending your fellow inhabitants. Gaining the trust of girls is an often agonising process of learning what they like, spending time with them, and buying them endless gifts. %26lsquo;Needy%26rsquo; doesn%26rsquo;t begin to describe some of these garment-averse harlots, and on your first trip to the island you%26rsquo;ll spend the majority of your time unwrapping returned gifts in frustration and gambling away your sorrows in the casino.
However, persist and you%26rsquo;ll start to understand what Dead or Alive: Paradise demands from you. You%26rsquo;ll make friends, form ace volleyball duos, and witness some uncomfortably %26lsquo;free spirited%26rsquo; bikini modeling. And you%26rsquo;ll secretly start to enjoy the game %26ndash; to an extent.
See, the ladies still look a little like zombie-dolls from the Uncanny Valley, rendering most of the sexy a little redundant. Without the game%26rsquo;s lurid selling point, all you%26rsquo;re left with is a collection of so-so minigames and a lesbian dating sim populated by prima donnas who shun your gifts and laugh at your suggestions of teaming up to get hot and sweaty on the beach%26hellip; playing volleyball. Of course. When virtual ladies leave you baffled and in need of a holiday, something isn%26rsquo;t quite right. Sigh.
Mar 29, 2010