Nudge nudge, wink wink
I'm not even going to try to justify this one. You know why you're here. I'll warn you though, it's going to get pretty traumatic.
I spent most of yesterday discovering the Hell that is unleashed when you set Fanfiction.net's search filters to "Romantic" and "M-rated". I now enjoy a hitherto unimagined level of empathy with Vietnam veterans. Whatever mind-bending spectacles and seething horrors await you over the following pages, just know that I've read the full stories that these selected quotations come from, and far more to boot. You won't believe how far the rabbit hole goes. Literally and figuratively. And just FYI, all fic extracts here are presented largely as originally written, intermittent avant garde grammar and all. The only change I've made is to censor some of the more explicit terminology. But regardless, explicit content abounds from this point forth.
Rocks Solve Everything
Written by: The Crimson Wing
The synopsis: Kratos (from God of War) and Sam Fisher (from, er, Splinter Cell) are enjoying an ongoing, passionate affair, as a result of magic portals.
Selected 'highlights': "Hot lips collided again, glazed eyes locking. Kratos caught Sam's right hand with his left as the right hand of the lower trailed down the bare chest, caressing the jumping muscles and swirling the navel. Rough fingertips trailed over the top of the kilt, sliding in ever so slightly to brush over more bare skin, earning a grunt of acceptance from the pale male. The hand of the god that wasn't occupied began to work on the shirt of the Splinter Cell, popping open troublesome buttons with ease (actually ripping them off was more like it) before his hand paused, lips releasing Sam's to emit a sigh, eyes fluttering closed.
"Sam grinned, brushed his fingertips over the head of his lover again to earn another sigh. Kratos's muscles spasmed all at once and he was half sitting upwards to rip off Sam's shirt when" Ok, moving swiftly onwards...
Doom: The Rebirth
Written by: weinercaughtinabutt
The synopsis: Doomguy (from Doom) finds his wife amorous after a long, hard day of demon-slaughter.
Selected 'highlights': "Doomguy walked towards the bedroom after a long day of work. "Ugh" he grunted after trying to open the door, it would not open. "Hold on honey!" he heard from behind the closed bedroom door. The door opened softly as his wonderful wife curled her finger toward the bedroom. As he entered the doorway, she began to close the door. Her eyes beamed "you seemed to have such a hard day, why don't I soften you up" she said seductively. Her nightgown silkingly wove her body, as it fell off it revealed her tender body. Doomguy was instantly reminded that the carpet matched the drapes, blonde." Hey, this is quite tasteful.
"As they both climaxed, her..." Er, ok then, that's enough of that.
Pikachu & Eevee
Written by: Alpha Sam
The synopsis: An Eevee named Sparky has a problem. A Pikachu named Rex helps him with it.
Selected 'highlights': "'Well I have a little problem" Sparky looked away shamefully. 'Yea Spark? What is it?' the Picachu put his little paw on the Eevee's softed furred head. The Little Eevee sighed. 'Well.' Sparky spread his hind legs apart showing his..." Goddam it, Alpha Sam!
Happiness is a Warm Gun
Written by: BlueRaine
The synopsis: Gears of War's Marcus takes Carmine aside to teach him some advanced R&R techniques.
Selected 'highlights': "Carmine freezes, standing there on his knees like a bastard child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he looks up to Marcus for instructions, his big blue eyes concerned and as wide as dinner plates. "You've got nothing to worry about, Kiddo." Baird says in his most arrogant of voices, "I happen to be damn good at this particular sort of mission, well, not that I'm ever bad at ANY sort of mission since I'm..." Baird trails off as Marcus interrupts him in a gravelly tone, 'I'm sure you can come up with something better to do with your mouth than run it all day.'" Righty-o.
A Fateful Encounter
Written by: StopJustStop
The synopsis: Beat from Jet Set Radio is seduced by real-life Indie Car driver Danica Patrick. In a branch of a well-known fast-food outlet.
Selected 'highlights': "Go and pick out a piece of chicken. But don't eat it. That's for later." Danica ordered Beat. He picked out a piece of chicken. "If I can't eat it, what do I do with it?" Beat asked. 'Stick it in..." Oh god!
A Rose By Any Other Name
Written by: DeamonPrince
The synopsis: Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce (from Batman: Arkham Asylum, obviously) recounts a hitherto forgotten escapade resulting from drugging.
Selected 'highlights': "Ivy's hands were now removing Batman's cape and armor. As they kissed deeply, she rubbed her hands on his iron chest making him grunt. Batman's hands were now massaging Ivy's..." Alrighty then. Surely it isn't all like this! "Ivy broke the kiss again to drop to her hands and knees to remove Batman's belt and pants. ~No! Stop! ~ He thought as she massaged his..." Oh, yeah, it is.
Written by: NoWindForThisHole
The synopsis: Hakan goes on an exciting, globe-trotting, street-fighting adventure.
Selected 'highlights': "Hakan travelled to the jungle where he found a Chinese woman with malformed legs. 'My name is Chun-Li' she boomed. 'And you look like a fun.' You've got Spinning Bird Kick well I've got Spinning Bird D..." Well, that's an image I'm not going to shake any time soon.
Fall of the Colossus
Written by: bloiffy
The synopsis: Wander (yeah, from Shadow of the Colossus) must defeat the 16th Colossus in order to revive Mono. The Colossus is a hot, human-sized woman. Later, he gets a horrible surprise.
Selected 'highlights': "A tear in his trousers had unlocked his most secret treasure trove. Wanderer's cheeks flushed with blood as he was filled with embarrassment, just as his **** was flushed rigid with blood due to his undeniable arousal. It stood, his True holy sword, jutting forth, pointing skyward. His gaze fell upon it, and he saw that indeed a glowing light shone forth from his vas deferens, indicating this new challenge's glowing weak spot. Her w..." No, no, no--that isn't cool. And the next bit, featuring Agro the horse? Words fail me.
Written by: irishileana
The synopsis: Months after her escape from Aperture, Portal's Chell is troubled by unusual dreams.
Selected 'highlights': "Her left hand had moved from Chell's shoulder, making the short distance to her..." Chell's partner in this fic is GLaDOS. Be aware of that. We need go no further.
Tails x Cream: The Broken Heart
Written by: babethecooltomboy
The synopsis: Tails is in love with Cream the Rabbit, but can't bring himself to tell her. Then one night, he runs into her after getting smashed on tequila.
Selected 'highlights': "Tails was a smart and had study a lot about sex..." No! No, I'm not even touching this one. Just no.
So, thank God that's over, right? I don't even know what to say here, to be honest. But, er, yeah. This was certainly a feature that I wrote and that you've just read, and those fics are real and were written by real humans. Draw your own conclusions. I can't even feel feelings any more. And if you think the previous was bad, know that what you've just seen were the very edited highlights of the nicest bits of the nicest stuff I read.
And while you recover, why not check out some of our less mind-crushing Week of Love content? Try The 10 most controversial video game sex scandals, and then maybe give The Top 7 Uncomfortably sexy video game AI characters a go.