The family that dismays together, stays together...or not
You dont choose your family, as they say: theyre simply a gift to you. However, some of us end up with stranger genetic relations than others, which can lead to the creation of some quirky, silly, or downright bizarre clans. Thats not necessarily a bad thing: weird families can be tons of fun. Its just that around the time family members start dueling to the death, or sacrificing each other to Cthulian gods, or randomly turn out to be clones of each other, you have to wonder how healthy a household you have.
Those examples didnt come from nowhere: theyre all domestic issues pulled straight from some of your favorite games, where family is important and also dangerously insane. Just how dysfunctional are these seven messed up gaming families? Read on to find out, and count how many involve murderous doubles.
The Kenways (Assassins Creed)
Arrr there be SPOILERS in these waters! Well somebody has daddy issues. By which I mean this entire family. When Edward Kenway was disowned by his father Bernard, after an unfortunate house-burning incident, his goal was to start a new life and do right by the family he one day hoped to have. Unfortunately he ended up very dead about halfway through, leaving his daughter Jenny and son Haytham at the mercy of his Templar killers with the deep desire to avenge him, but little idea how to do it. Haytham in particular joined up with the Templars to exact his revenge, believing his father was killed by the Assassins, and the truth was a wee bit of a mindscrew.
The Kenways' fathering faux pas hit their peak with Haytham and his illegitimate son Connor, who simultaneously hate each other and desperately want to connect. With either on a different side of the Templar-Assassin war, father and son try to convince each other to see reason, but when that fails the claws come out. Man, these guys are terrible at father-son bonding time.
The Mishima clan (Tekken)
Take the Kenways, add some magic devil genes and overt blood thirst, and you have the deeply-in-need-of-therapy Mishima family. Four generations of extremely powerful martial artists, the Mishimas are plagued by an unfortunate desire to murder the hell out of each other at any given moment. Exacting horrible revenge against their closest kin has become a family tradition, like opening Christmas presents but way more homicidal.
All of this hate stems from Heihachi, who shoots merciless brutality up and down the family tree. After locking his father away under the family compound and leaving him for dead, he pitches his ten-year-old son Kazuya off a cliff to test his strength, then adopts another son to make the first one jealous. He then fathers an illegitimate son that he immediately forgets, and trains his grandson Jin for a while before trying to kill him too. That ends with all of his sons pretty pissed off and gunning for his head, plus a nasty battle between Kazuya and Jin and nevermind, I dont know if therapys gonna help much here.
Dantes family (Devil May Cry)
Dante and Vergil take sibling rivalry a little too far. Sons of the long gone demon knight Sparda, each of the little half-imps aligns himself with a different part of their heritage: Dante prefers the human world, and Vergil the demon realm. That leads to some disagreements between the two, which they choose to express via violent confrontations. And yet they still have a bizarrely expressed affection for each other, with Dante trying to save Vergil from falling off a cliff after specifically saying he was going to kill the guy. Don't forget that Devil May Cry is actually named after the fact that Dante cries over losing the brother he was going to kill anyway.
That, however, is just the tip of the crazy demon iceberg with this family. I could go on about the incredible parental issues these two seem to have, living in their father's shadow and struggling to defeat the representation of him projected onto the final boss, or the fact that Dante both finds Trish attractive and thinks she looks like his mom (err), but I might fill up the internet.
The Wades (F.E.A.R.)
Holy mother of you, I guess. Also everyone around you. Surprise! That's the family tree explanation the Point Man gets in F.E.A.R., when he's sent on a mission to take out a telepathic rogue agent and learns that not only is the guy his brother, but they are both the sons of Alma, the psychic demon child that follows him throughout the game. And I'm not even at the weird part yet.
Basically this family unit is as messed up as each of its individual members. There's Harlan Wade, who was much fonder of science than he was of his daughter Alma and used her as a comatose telepath incubator. There's the Point Man and Paxton Fettel, enemies and brothers born from Alma while she was being experimented on. Then there's Alma herself, who immediately murders her father after escaping confinement, mind-melds with one of her children to turn him into a homicidal killer, and can't decide if she wants to kill or hug the other one. As Paxton puts it, "We are a... complicated family. Wouldn't you agree?" Yes. 1000 times yes.
The Snake family (Metal Gear)
I wonder how often Solid, Liquid, and Solidus Snake hear that they look just like their dad? Or would, if they all werent so busy trying to kill each other. In the sort of twist that is so over-the-top it could only come from the mind of Kojima, all three Snakes are clones of Big Boss, made against his will as part of a government plot to create a perfect super soldier based on his DNA. Because the American government is kooky like that.
The strangest part about this family isnt even that Solid Snake and Liquid Snake are twin clones engineered from different aspects of Big Boss DNA (because GENETICS!) or that Solidus was tossed in there somewhere to create a pure clone. It isnt even that theyre in a constant life-or-death struggle, because apparently thats just a thing clones do. Really, its that Big Boss and his lover EVA (and surrogate mother of his clones) basically end up with a nuclear family all of their own, just in the freaking weirdest way possible. Mind blown.
The Masons and company (Silent Hill)
Trouble just seems to find some people, especially if theyre in a Silent Hill game and their last name ends with -ason. The trouble starts with poor Harry Mason, the main character of Silent Hill 1 and loving father to his adoptive daughter, Cheryl. He goes on a frantic search for her when she vanishes into Silent Hill and discovers she is actually half of Alessa Gillespie, who split herself into pieces to escape her mother Dahlias torture. Then Alessa and Cheryl recombine and perish, but not before giving Harry a new baby thats their own reincarnated self. Are you confused yet?
Things just get stranger when Silent Hill 3 rolls around and introduces Heather Mason, who is that reincarnated baby all grown up. During her time in Silent Hill, it becomes apparent shes going to birth a god because this plot isnt already weird enough. That all means that Harry is Cheryls father and therefore also Alessas, and Alessa gives herself to him for safekeeping, and Heather is related to Harry and Cheryl and Dahlia and also god? Excuse me, I think I need to lie down.
Jacks family (BioShock)
Aww, they grow up so fast! Especially when theyre a fellow named Jack, the roughly four-year-old rapidly aging son of multiple mothers and fathers--both adoptive and biological--and the father of his own older sisters. Because nobody plays God like the people of Rapture!
Heres the (hahaha!) short version: gangster Frank Fontaine and scientist Brigid Tenenbaum harvest an egg fertilized by Andrew Ryan from the stripper Jasmine Jolene, and genetically modify it so the child will rapidly age. At the same time, theyre also experimenting on the Little Sisters, which Tenenbaum starts to feel bad about. Over time she begins to regard the Sisters and Jack as her children, while Fontaine calls Jack the closest thing I've ever had to a son. Then when all that shockingly implodes, if the whole thing didnt snap Jacks mind like a tinder twig, he adopts the Little Sisters and raises them as his own daughters. Despite the fact that hes biologically a toddler and the girls are his elder science-abomination siblings. In the end, Tenenbaum says that Jacks reward for not falling apart at the seams is a family, and goddamn, did he ever get one.
Dont even get me started on the DeWitts
Thats my tally of some of the weirdest, most dysfunctional, most messed up families gaming has to offer. Did I missed a crazy clan? Are some of these menages just misunderstood? Which ones would you think would throw the best holiday party? Speak up in the comments below, and be thankful that all your mom/uncle/clone/reincarnated sibling did was burn the turkey.