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5 games that would make amazing theme park attractions

Games are a safe and easy shortcut to epic experiences we could never have in real life. In the real world, taking your fearsome one-man army up against a world of adversaries would end with you being very dead and your government having to sort out a major diplomatic incident. The satisfaction of launching a 37-hit Ultra combo into someone’s face in reality could only be attained through a lifetime of training and would result in immediate arrest.

But we think that sometimes we give up too easily on our video game dreams. While not 100% repeatable in the real world, some video game action is tailor-made for the similarly grandiose and excessive reality of theme parks. In fact to varying degrees of safety, it would be possible to make fantastic licensed attractions based around quite a favourite franchises. Here are five ideas we came up with today.


The F-Zero/Wipeout rollercoaster

 

The most obvious one of the bunch, this one. These two iconic future racers obviously take rollercoasters as the inspiration for their track designs, so why not take things full circle? A two-seater Blue Falcon replica hurtling around a stomach-defying track laid out amongst a neon-drenched Mute City mock-up would have us setting up a tent and permanently moving into whichever park homed it.


The Gears of War paintball arena

 

In his notes at the start of the first Gears’ manual, Cliff ‘Cliff Bleszinski’ Bleszinski mentioned how a paintball match inspired the game's cover system. So screw running around in the woods and hiding behind wooden boxes. Let’s have a full-scale recreation of Jacinto’s streets. Let’s have a grub hole at one end (with steps and a safety rail leading in and out, naturally) leading to a whole underground cave section. Let’s have side-paths for flanking and multiple levels of elevation for sniping. And above all, let’s have full-sized Lancer replica paintball rifles. No chainsaws though, unless you sign the special waiver form first.


The Mario jungle gym

Above: Like that, only way more epic, with more moving platforms and fungus

Okay, so we’ll have to drop Super Mario Galaxy-style gravity defiance from our blueprints (it turns out there’s this thing called physics, and it doesn’t sound too much fun), but other than that, this one is a goer. With TV game shows like Takeshi’s Castle and Total Wipeout now putting contestants with increasingly platform-game-type challenges, we want to go the whole hog and start recreating 3D Mario levels we can run around in.

Just make everything spongy, rubberise the spike pits, replace the lava lakes with red ball ponds, and you’ve got an absolute winner.


The Rez HD motion simulator

 

Far less strenuous this one, at least physically. It might be a different matter for your mind though. We want the same basic model as Universal Studios’ brilliant Back to the Future ride (a massive, IMAX-bothering cinema screen in front of legions of hydraulic seats which move with the on-screen action), but we want to swap out Marty and the Doc for a specially reworked, dedicated version of Tetzuya Mizuguchi’s twisting, turning, psychedelic electro fever-dream. Done right, we’re talking the evolution of human experience here.

Though acid-burnt old hippies would flock to it in droves. As would pervs who just wanted to use the Trance Vibrator seats.


The Resident Evil haunted house

 

Walk-around haunted house attractions are cheesy as all hell, but packed with awesome jumps-scares throughout. The original Resident Evil is cheesy as all hell, but packed with awesome jump-scares throughout. See where we’re going with this one? A perfect replica of the original Raccoon City mansion, appropriately hokey actors dressed up as S.T.A.R.S. members as guides, guys in rubbery Tyrant suits, and a whole lot of fake glass windows for stage-hands to hurl unwitting dogs through.

Did we say hurl unwitting dogs through? We meant ‘humanely encourage professionally-trained animal actors to perform in conjunction with, for more than adequate reward’. Ahem.

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15 comments

  • Cyberninja - March 19, 2010 12:04 a.m.

    the re one needs to happen now
  • philipshaw - March 18, 2010 9:20 p.m.

    That REZ idea needs to happen NOW!!
  • kaittybee - March 18, 2010 5:41 p.m.

    loved this article lads! i would definitely go into the haunted house (although how tall is that?) and the paintball thing would be sick :D
  • 4fromK - March 18, 2010 10:45 a.m.

    These all seem like things I would be bored with/ not enjoy. nice article?
  • speno93 - March 18, 2010 6:55 a.m.

    i'd love a God of war type titan ride. Y'know like the whole thing would be just shifting around and throwing you all over the place like Gain in gow3, that would be pretty sweet. and by the way, you guys have a terrible track record in animal abuse
  • KingBoeg - March 17, 2010 9:53 p.m.

    @oryandymackie rather manhunt abusementpark i'd say.
  • Silentboy - March 17, 2010 9:12 p.m.

    Thank GR. You made me remember how much I love Total Wipeout
  • evilgerbil666 - March 17, 2010 7:52 p.m.

    @lolwizards, there's already a Sonic Coaster on it's way to the UK, along with Sonic Hotel Rooms in the same Park!
  • Xplosive59 - March 17, 2010 7:40 p.m.

    @lolwizards there already is a sonic coaster at alton towers in england i think
  • jackthemenace - March 17, 2010 6:47 p.m.

    must... go... to... Gears... paintball... getting the longshot paintball sniper would be awesome! and headshots would be wicked xP
  • lolwizards - March 17, 2010 6:43 p.m.

    How is a Sonic coaster not the most obvious one? Loops, twists, speed...seriously!
  • oryandymackie - March 17, 2010 6:11 p.m.

    Manhunt amusement park?
  • Turboash - March 17, 2010 6:09 p.m.

    "I can smell the music!" lolz
  • Lord_Skellig - March 17, 2010 6:07 p.m.

    What about portal? That would be crazy
  • Skykid - March 17, 2010 5:30 p.m.

    Lol on the Gears of War paintball arena. That was hilarious. I know this is getting real old but, FIRST!

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