11 badass game characters who should be wimps

They might not look all that, but give them the wrong look and the following group of surprising badasses will kill the hell out of you. Wimpy either in appearance, profession or nature it doesn’t stop these secretly Chuck Norris hard characters from saving the world and giving evil the bird, while murdering hundreds of baddies in the process.

Somehow, though, we’re just not buying their unexplained ass-kicking awesomeness. And if their games were more realistic, we suspect most of them would die instantly in the volatile circumstances they’re thrown into. Still, next time you pick up a pad, keep your eyes on that innocent looking chap with the glasses and tie. Chances are, he’s about to decapitate you.

Chris Stone

Being a surprising badass in: Freedom Fighters

Apparently, in the Soviet-controlled bizarro world developer IO cooked up for their ace squad shooter, the average plumber has all the tactical military nous of General Rommel. With nary a bit of training Chris makes the jump from humble commode jockey to leader of a citywide resistance force in a few weeks. Mr Stone not only handles automatic weaponry with ease, he also dishes out complex squad commands like a war-grizzled veteran. Quite the step up from unplunging folks’ crappers.

The wimpy version

Had the Hitman developers portrayed an accurate version of a toilet tradesman we suspect there’d have been less capping Ruskies in their invading faces, more fixing dodgy water valves. We love fighting Soviet oppression and raising American flags to a bit of rousing Jesper Kyd music, but would it have killed IO to chuck in a couple of boiler-fixing mini-games?

Above: The fight for freedom always needs a good unclogging

Gordon Freeman

Being a surprising badass in: Half-Life series

Striking a blow for bespectacled science types everywhere, Gogsy is the most accomplished mass-murdering alien badass this side of Ellen Ripley. A lowly man of Bunsen burners and physics problems, the Freeman somehow manages to best armies of aliens, giant ants and nefarious SS-esque soldiers with no known combat training. After all, who needs weapons expertise when you can wield a crowbar like it’s a lightsaber of evil government-defying death?

The wimpy version

It might not make for the most glamorous of games, but a more realistic version of Mr. Freeman’s professional day would see him focus all his efforts on honing his theoretical physics theories. Sod protecting the planet from Headcrabs. There’s Einstein manifolds to be broken out and natural phenomenon to be explained with complicated math.


  • Jordo141 - January 6, 2010 1:16 p.m.

    I loved the "Crisp that looks a bit like a dude bit"
  • Yar - January 6, 2010 1:40 p.m.

    Nice list, made me chuckle a few times. Kind of odd to pick flaws in these characters though. Ah well, maybe you just prefer more realistic, less ass-kicking characters like... Ashley Graham. Still, you made some funky points. I loved your description of Salazar, even though I don't think he has a parasite inside him, he's just a bit evil.
  • lewis42025 - January 6, 2010 1:42 p.m.

    poor ecco...that made me sad. great article!
  • Tomsta666 - January 6, 2010 1:54 p.m.

    Mild mannered scientist Gordon Freeman is the saviour of earth. And you believe it too!! Good job Dr. Freeman.
  • Dimwit - January 6, 2010 2:02 p.m.

    i liked the equasions one, haha!!!!!!!!
  • Xplosive59 - January 6, 2010 2:46 p.m.

    lol Family Guy FTW
  • Montag - January 6, 2010 3:01 p.m.

    I actually look like Gordon Freeman (I mean REALLY look like him) and am a Scientist. I think HLs portrayal of him is 100% perfect and playing the game is very similar to a typical day of mine. I even own a crowbar. As such I think the article is flawed.
  • CARLINNIT - January 6, 2010 3:12 p.m.

    Yeah Fahrenheit! :D
  • DriveShaft - January 6, 2010 4:18 p.m.

    The Uncharted, Indigo Prophecy and Ecco the dolphin were funny x]
  • eee - January 6, 2010 6:04 p.m.

    LoL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry luv i would save you but these equations won't solve themselves LoL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Yeager1122 - January 6, 2010 8:17 p.m.

    The first guy looks like a total badass even if he is a plumber.
  • CapnCrotchPunch - January 6, 2010 8:34 p.m.

    Big ups for Freedom Fighters I thought that I was the only person who remembered this great game. Wish they would make a sequel, even though it is kinda impossible storywise
  • jackthemenace - January 6, 2010 8:39 p.m.

    HELLS YEAH! these guys are scoring points for geeks everywhere! HAIL TO THE NERDS!
  • NinjaJamez - January 6, 2010 10:20 p.m.

    what about the people on silent hill games... they should be peeing on their pants instead of fighting those monsters..... Great job
  • Silvermech - January 7, 2010 12:31 a.m.

    I will save the tri-force with my crossword shinobi training!
  • GameManiac - January 7, 2010 12:32 a.m.

    Besides that one guy in half-life, I didn't know ANY of these characters. It wasn't until the last 2 pages where it showed Link and Pikachu when I finally got interested in this article. Massive LOL on the Family Guy bit with the Pikachu part, as well as that crossword thing with Link. Rudolf was such a dumbass! I almost passed out from laughter when the doctor finally said "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!!" in frustration. XD
  • Metroidhunter32 - January 7, 2010 12:50 a.m.

    Link surprised me. And no Samus who should be wimpy on the grounds that she's a chick? For shame. (I'm not sexist at all, look at my username and avatar for proof)
  • redmight - January 7, 2010 1:03 a.m.

    Wow link just got my respect after realizing that he survived the nagging of navi and weirdness of tingle but pikachu is overrated since in the show hes just for show and no action and I give a salute to the nerds in games that became badasses(salutes) and you to GR for a good article
  • Cyberninja - January 7, 2010 1:53 a.m.

    well link would still win if he fought ganon if he used crossword puzzles he would bore ganon and then stab him in the head with a sword again
  • sirpsychosexy - January 7, 2010 3:47 a.m.

    god freedom fighters was such a good game! i'ma go play that right now

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