11 people you'll meet at a midnight launch

With the next-generation in full swing, and publishers scheming to separate us from our holiday cash, it's inevitable you'll be tempted to take part in the ancient gamer ritual known as the 'Midnight Launch'. Originating with the release of Grand Theft Troglodyte, back in 50,000 B.C., the practice of queuing for hours to play a game for 20 minutes before passing out has long been a staple of gaming culture. And while some wonder if midnight launches are worth the effort in this brave new age of online retailers, the sheer number of modern gamers at midnight releases indicate they aren't going anywhere soon.

I'm not here to tell you whether or not to join the crowd. That decision is up to you. But if you are planning to line up at your local game store the night before launch day, I can at least prepare you for the people you'll meet...

Photo: NZGamer.com

Where the average launcher (which is totally a term) measures a midnight release in hours, the Long-Hauler counts their wait in days. They're the trendsetters who put life and hygiene on hold to camp outside a game shop for exclusive rights to the 'First Person to Buy The Next Big Thing' trophy. Indeed, if the Long-Hauler were an action figure--and you better believe that's on their bucket list--they'd come packaged with a one-man tent, sleeping bag, makeshift gaming center, and enough food to cover basic nutritional needs.

As well as marking the start of the launch line, the Long-Hauler stands (lounges, squats, sleeps) as a monument to fanboy resolve. No wait is too long. No local news station too condescending (see slide #4). They'll happily brave poor weather and snide remarks to see their names etched into gaming history. And while outsiders may mock the Long-Hauler for their monk-like dedication (to an admittedly non-monk cause), they still command a quiet respect from those who line up in their shadow. Long live the Long-Hauler, I say.

Photo: Vice

You have to feel bad for the Condescending Reporter. You know Anna McPrettyFace from ABC 5 News has about a million other stories she would rather be covering, but because she's the lowest on the newsroom totem pole, she's been assigned to cover “whatever it is those kids are lining up for at the mall”.

And yet, rather than treat a midnight launch with at least a sliver of respect, the Condescending Reporter is often spotted singling out the most awkward gamer in line and (barely) holding back a smirk as they ask them about queuing up for a silly game. Worst yet is the on-air segment, which typically ends with the main anchors farting out something like “Don't think you'd ever convince me to stand in line for a video game, how about you Donny?” before checking in with weatherman Chip Friendly.

Photo: Curse.com

Is Joe working behind the register tonight? The Regular knows. Did Ashley really call in sick, forcing Beth to come in on her night off? The Regular has a hunch. You'll find the Regular in every launch line calling game store employees by their first name and making none-too-subtle attempts to charm their way to the front. On rare occasions, their efforts will win them an exclusive chat with Manager Beth, but for the most part their attempts to prove their VIP status will be met with polite nods and eye rolls.

But is the Regular really so bad? Perhaps it's jealousy that makes the Regular a launch line nuisance. After all, wouldn't we all appreciate an 'in' with the Game Store Soldier? Don't we all wish we had an advantage over the hundreds of others in line, no matter how meaningless? Let's face it, if we knew Carl, we'd totally be asking him to sneak us in through the back.

The Comedian is a laugh riot--at least to themselves. Whether they're auditioning for America's Funniest Line Stander or testing new material for their video blog, this gleeful gamer is armed with launch-related one-liners and at least a dozen variations of each.

One can't be too hard on the Comedian, though. Like everyone else, the Comedian is excited for the gaming nirvana ahead and simply seeking a way to kill time that doesn't involve refreshing Facebook every three minutes. From a certain point of view, they're the social glue that keeps the line in good spirits. Thing is, as time marches on, the Comedian's laughs become half-hearted chuckles, and soon their wry observations and oh-so-timely references start to grow stale. Yeah, we know it'd be hilarious if we were all standing out here for the wrong game. You're right, that guy who got the first copy does look like a crackhead Justin Bieber. Now shut up and be miserable like the rest of us!

Photo: Daily Mail

Peace be to the Game Store Soldier, for his is a tireless job. Thrown behind enemy lines by his superiors, the Soldier is the first and last line of defense between hungry gamers and their prize. As such, these store employees can either be found standing their ground at the front door or marching up and down the line answering the same questions every five feet. “Yes, we'll have enough copies”, “No, you don't need your receipt if you're in the system,” and “Yes, I'm seriously considering applying for a new job after tonight”.

Launch Soldiers come in multiple varieties. First, there are the sparkly-eyed rookies who embrace the opportunity to show their bosses how well they can handle a horde. Then there are the stoic warriors who know all the stock answers and look minutes away from abandoning their post to walk slowly into the nearest ocean. In each case, the Soldier is a natural target for the Bro, Comedian, or Regular, and everyone else itching to take their boredom out on the nearest sign of authority.

Photo: The Daily Telegraph

Tag-Alongs are the unsung heroes of midnight launches. They're the loyal partners. The dedicated friends. They're the patient sidekicks of the gaming community who would much rather be doing anything else than lining up for a product they know nothing about. They're the Samwise Gamgees of fandom. The Chewbaccas of launch-day attacks. The... you get the point.

Whether it's out of sheer loyalty or the lack of anything better to do on a Monday night, the Tag-Along is a common sight at a midnight launch. Typically, they're the quieter members of the pack who can be found smiling politely while quietly planning their escape. There are the odd Tag-Alongs, however, who will adopt the role of Comedian and use their captive audience to remind everyone how charmingly out of touch they are with gaming culture and how sticking around to the bitter end with their mate means “this guy totally owes me a foot massage when I get home”. Odds are you know a Tag-Along. If so, hold them tight and never let go. They're keepers.

Photo: Digital Spy

The reluctant parent is a similar breed to the Tag-Along, with the main difference being they really, really don't want to be at a midnight launch. And yet, be it emotional blackmail, protective parenting, or the fact they don't trust their kid with the family car, they've resigned themselves to being a free taxi service while their spawn lines up for Call of Halo something-or-other... you know, that game they saw on Fox News.

Sometimes you'll find the Reluctant Parent in the line asking the Soldier how long the whole mess is going to take. Other times, however, the Reluctant Parent will watch from the comfort of their heated vehicle, occasionally cruising down the line to pick their offspring out from the crowd and yell something incredibly awkward and... "Holy crap, Dad, just shut up! I'll call you when I'm done!"

Photo: Digital Spy

The Cosplayer is into it. Like, super, duper into it. And you know what? Good for them. Outside of Halloween, conventions, and themed birthday parties, gamers don't have a ton of opportunities to let their geek-flag fly, so why not embrace the rare opportunity to dust off that Call of Duty costume?

You can spot the Cosplayer... well, you can spot the Cosplayer pretty damn easily. If their costume is really good, they'll be the ones posing for fan pictures and getting interviewed by the Condescending Reporter. If the outfit is bad, well, the Cosplayer will still look 100% more interesting than everyone else. Either way, if you're going to spend a night with complete strangers at (or outside) a vacant set of shops, you might as well have some fun doing it.

The Observers. The Watchers. The Launch Historians. The members of the games press who think millions of gamers can be distilled into 11 silly stereotypes. All can be found waiting late into the night to spend money. And remember, this is all for fun (looking at you, Bros), so help keep it going by listing your favorite midnight launch cliches and characters in the comments below.

Want more features about gamer stereotypes? Here's What Type Of Gamer Are You? which is a sort of funny quiz. Oh, and there's this one called What Generation Of Gamer Are You? which is a similar kind of thing. Both are much funnier than this article.

Pictured: Zohaib Ali, launcher elite.