The Winter Olympic Games have begun and we don’t care. How could the curling or figure skating events possibly capture our attention when BioShock 2’s calling out to us from unfrozen waters with its siren’s call? Then again, if BioShock 2 can make objectivist philosophy and 1930s jazz cool again, couldn’t videogames make sucky snow sports fun to watch as well? Let’s find out.
Koopa Curling
What could possibly make a sport about slowly sliding stones and sweeping more exciting? Anything, really. That’s why we’d like to see the traditional granite curling stones replaced with a live Koopa. The uneven underbelly of the Koopa’s shell will make aiming more challenging for throwers. Also, due to the Koopa’s tendency to rotate on its axis whenever it slides on a smooth surface, sweepers will find it much more challenging to clear a path for the incoming shell. In Koopa Curling, all sweepers are required to arm themselves with a mallet in addition to their broom. Should the Koopa choose to emerge before it crosses the hog line, the sweeper may then use their mallet to force it back into its shell.
AT-AT Rope Climbing
The Empire Strikes back was the best Star Wars movie – and Super Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back was one of the hardest SNES games of all time. By combining the best and hardest of the Star Wars universe, we’ve concocted, what might possibly be, the most exciting and dangerous version of the classic rope-climbing exercise you’ve hated since high school gym class.
Navigating your way through the frozen battlefield of Hoth is your first challenge. Expect heavy blaster fire from Imperial troops and one AT-AT as you journey towards the thighs of the nearest AT-AT. Next, shimmy your way up to the belly of metal beast to complete this physical challenge. Extra points if you make it to the top before the Imperials reach the shield generators.
Ice Hockey Fights
Every time we watch ice hockey, we find ourselves desperately hoping that a fight will break out. That’s why Ice Hockey Fights promises to deliver everything we love about the sport, minus the passing, shooting, strategy, and rules. Nothing’s more thrilling than watching grown men throw down their sticks so that they may bat at each while trying to not fall down. That’s why Ice Hockey Fights skip straight to the fighting and never strays far from it. The only power play you’ll see is when two teammates manage to team up on a single opponent.
Above: The best part about Blades of Steel on NES…
Above: …is also the most entertaining part about ice hockey in real life
