Here's a silly intro for you
Welcome to the wonderful world of video game opening cutscenes. Theyre mostly used to excite and inform, but occasionally to baffle and bewilder. You know the sort. When you sit down to a new game, the intro movie plays and youre left thinking I have no clue what this game is about, or better yet what have I let myself in for?
Coming up is my list of silliest intros from recent years. Now before we begin, dont take silly to mean stupid. Silly can be, and often is, a good thing. Just sit back and let the weirdness wash over you. Oh, and click the link in each slide to watch the full cinematics in all their mad glory.
D4
Ah, Swery. Your games are so wonderfully peculiar. It was the intro to Dark Dreams Dont Die that actually gave me the idea for this article. It has a theme that youll see repeated in several of my entries, and I hope youll find it as amusing as I do. The basic set-up of D4 is that you play as a private detective with the ability to travel through time, allowing you to investigate the death of your wife.
So, youre watching the opening cutscene, and then it suddenly turns into a sort of 80s cop show title sequence. Jazz piano, montages of all the characters along with close-up freeze-frames with their name captioned to the side. Not the names of the voice actors mind you, just their in-game names. Its an intro as silly as the name, and as silly as the rest of the game for that matter.
Jazzpunk
If you dont know what Jazzpunk is all about, just watch the title sequence. That should sort you out. This is a lie. Youll probably end up even more confused than when you started. And you might have a seizure. Obviously, if you do have a seizure, thats bad times for you, and I can only apologise for telling you to watch this otherwise amazing sequence.
Its colourful, bizarre, and has a great tune blasting over the top. Theres so much going on, but nothing happens. All you know is youre in for a good time when you actually get to play the game. Mad as this intro is, though, you never realise that the good time is going to involve squirting cheese into a rich mans gaping mouth, racing gravy boats, and traversing the insides of a human / crocodile hybrid. Im serious, you should play Jazzpunk.
DmC Devil May Cry
Remember the old random household objects placed in front of a guys junk trick from Austin Powers? The classic technique for making sure your content is suitable for all ages? Well, thats what you get in DmC. Were introduced to Dante, just waking up after a night of debauchery. Then, he opens the door stark naked to a mysterious beautiful lady. Oh Dante, youre so aloof and nonchalant.
Suddenly everything is exploding and theres a bloody great demon attacking. Im not usually one to use Internet memes, but that escalated quickly. Next thing you know hes flying through the air with strategically placed baseball bats and pizza crusts. Somehow he gets fully dressed before landing, ready for action.
Borderlands
Hey remember that one pretty cool Cage The Elephant song that appears on the Borderlands intro movie? Whatever happened to them? Anyway, much like D4, Borderlands has that slightly overblown freeze-frame subtitle for each character as they get introduced. Like D4. Two examples of this in the same feature? Much like the ambassador in the Ferrero Rocher adverts, Im really spoiling you. Although, to be honest, youd think an ambassador would be able to afford something a bit nicer than Ferrero Rocher for his reception. I bet thats sparkling wine, rather than Champagne, too.
So, Borderlands! A bus drives through the Pandora wasteland, ploughs through a skag, and inside were shown the four characters hilariously posing as if thats their natural state. Then each of them does a flashy move (the rest of them disappear while this happens). Lilith as The Siren blows a kiss to the camera, Roland as The Soldier blocks the lens, and you cant forget Brick as Himself.
Far Cry 3
More freeze-frame name captions just sayin. Ferrero Rocher, yeah? Usually opening cinematics are used to introduce the characters and attach you to them in some way. In Far Cry 3, youre already pissed off with them before the game even starts. You mean I have to play as this whiny, drunk, gap-yah kid?
Using daddys money to go out partying and then go skydiving on a tropical island. How relatable... Luckily Vaas shows up pretty quickly to give Jason a reality check. I rarely root for the villain more than the protagonist, but right from the start its clear hes the most sympathetic, realistic character in the whole damn game.
Dead Island
So theres an absolutely wasted guy, partying on a beautiful island when suddenly people start turning into zombies and feasting on holidayer flesh. Apparently hes so drunk that he just completely ignores this and goes to crash on his bed. Thats silly enough, but theres one particular part of the intro that I have a problem with.
At one point he ventures into a public restroom to splash some water on his face. On the floor is a bloodied girl in a bikini with a lady tending to her. Instead of asking for help, shes more concerned that, wait for it theres a man in the womens toilet?! You need to get your priorities straight, lady.
Battleblock Theater
In the intro to Battleblock Theater, were introduced to one of the main characters whose name is Hatty Hattington. I think thats all I need to say really, but I imagine my editor will be angry with me, so Ill continue. You are correct, please continue, Editor. Also, please tell me more about the Ferrero Rocher.
The story in the game is told in a wonderfully cute stick puppet style, adding to the air of whimsy created by the intro. There are hundreds of friends aboard the S.S. Friendship (get it?), but it becomes shipwrecked in a massive storm (the size of the storm is really pushed in the intro, youll see), and the friends become imprisoned on an island ruled by cats. Oh, this company made Castle Crashers? That makes a bit more sense now.
Skate 2
You know when youre watching an ad on TV, and the whole time youre thinking what the hell is this advertising? And why do I feel like eating some kind of crispy, chocolate ball? It always turns out to be some perfume or a car or something. If you showed someone the intro movie to Skate 2, theyd get exactly the same feeling. In fact, theyd probably think you were showing them some awkward prison drama show.
Its a four minute long live action scene showing a guy being released from prison. Honestly, you dont even see a skateboard 'til the last 30 seconds. And the name of the game isnt even shown until the very last shot, where its the license plate of the car he gets into. Whats going on? When do I get to see the hilarious, rib-cracking physics engine in action?
I didnt say anything about a silly outro
So there you have it, those are my eight picks for the silliest intros in gaming. Ive obviously missed some, and you might not even agree with me, so tell me which games you think deserve to make it on the list in the comments. Im sure you dont need me to introduce you.
Want more? Of course you do: the internet is a beast in constant need of feeding. Check out this feature on Games That Have Far Too Many Collectibles. Still hungry? Here's one about the Top 7... Insane Gaming Musical Numbers No-One Asked For.
