The cake is nigh!
What better way to commemorate your bold escape from a fully functioning human orifice than with plenty of cake, cards, and eye-stabbing headwear? Birthdays, eh? Aren't they just great? For one solitary day a year every single man, woman and child on earth (probably) gets to do absolutely everything they want, all day, irrespective of social stigma, better judgment and stringent anti-nudity laws. Actually scratch that last bit; the police weren't nearly as understanding as I'd hoped
Of course video game characters are no exception to this rule, though few (if any) games have ever deigned to show us exactly what our favourite creations get up to. Well, I say 'nuts to that', let's have a good old gander at these birthday boys and girls in action. Who goes where, who drinks what, and which of Sonic's friends trashed his dad's flat? Some of these answers, and more ahead!
Mario and friends opt for some unusual fancy dress
When did the Super Mario Bros. become so darn popular amongst drunken students? It's gotten to the point now where you can't even walk two blocks of a college campus--or three streets around university--without running into some kind of sloshed up reveller rocking the famous cap and coveralls. I wonder what the portly plumber himself would make of all this and, more to point, what he might wear in their place?
The answer to that question is actually rather obvious. A merry-making Mario would inevitably dress up as your average, everyday 20-something. With his 34th name day fast approaching, Ninty's moustachioed mascot will no doubt be out hitting up clubs, guzzling mushrooms, and doing irreparable damage to his liver: all the while decked out in the latest tat from GAP. Wahoo!
Scorpion sulks at a no-show house party
Poor old Scorpion, he's been quite literally 'down in the dumps' as of late. First he suffers the loss of his entire family--in a freak ninja storm, no less--the next he's serving evil Quan Chi as a hot-headed errand boy. As his sworn enemy Sub Zero might attest: "that is simply not cool". No Mr. Zero, it very much isnt.
With few acquaintances left in the world, and even fewer friends--roasting folks alive isnt the ice-breaker it once was--perhaps this big birthday bash wasn't such a bright idea after all. Johnny has a thing, Sonya's out of town; Shao Kahn is just so, like swamped with work stuff right now. Face it Scorp: no one's turning up, not even Darrius, and that guy's the biggest douche in all of Earthrealm. "Come on you guys, get over here!"
John Marston takes all of the fun out of laser tag
Everybody knows someone who enjoys the sweet sound of their own voice. Likewise, most folks can lay claim to a couple of chums who love nothing more than to propose fun-filled adventures for one. That is to say--activities only they find enjoyable the utter bastards. "Oh, you're not into North Kensington shoegaze music, well that's just too bad, we're still going to the 8-day festival". " Brittle bones you say? I'm afraid the jiu jitsu tournament is already booked, and this black belt isn't just going to bloody itself ".
When it comes to selecting his annual birthday treat, Red Dead's John Marston is no different, opting time and again for the noble sport of kings that is 'laser tag'. Armed with the slow-mo, target painting 'dead eye' system, Johnny routinely slays his way from point A to carcass pit B, in a terrifying whirl of everyone's wasted time. You may as well be contesting a dance off with Michael 'dead but you still know what I mean' Jackson. No matter what, Marston's gonna light you up.
Dead Rising's Mr. Greene chucks up his guts on a pub crawl
If I had a [small amount of regional currency] for every person I'd heard tell of the life-affirming effects of alcohol, well then I'd have 6 units of that particular currency... In the case of Dead Rising's Chuck Greene however, 'Big alkies' shameless propaganda actually turns out to be true. You see, by glugging a mug full of ale or taking a big ol' swig of cider, Chuck can quickly restore massive amounts of spent health. Doing so in large enough quantities will even result in all of the usual hallmarks of inebriation--slurred speech, stumbling gait and an newfound appreciation for deep fried gristle.
So, what better way for Chucky to spend his special day than by dragging a horde of helpless survivors around a proper gut busting pub-crawl? For one thing, the man's already well versed in the ways of staggering, puking monster-men. And, after dealing with hordes of undead all day, he may just relish the good clean fun of a taxi rank punch up.
Nathan Drake runs himself ragged in the funhouse
So what if his only friend is a surprisingly spry 60-year-old? Nothing's gonna stop Nathan Drake from enjoying another big ol' birthday bonanza. All the better where a classic funhouse party is concerned. No more waiting your turn, dodging sprogs, or 'accidentally' kicking that one kid parked right under the slide. Eat foot Timmy.
Remember, Nate has to hone his climbing skills somewhere, and a plush maze of primary colours seems as good a place as any to start. Of course, no ball pit ever designed could adequately represent the pants-blackening terror of a quicksand trap. Nor will that on-rails swing thingy do you much good up against an angry set of Yetis. Still, it's got to beat dying every five minutes at the hands of a clumsy, bumbling gamer. Yeah, sorry about that
Tidus ruins the movie for everyone with a trip to the cinema
When it comes to discussing the sad, slow death of the cinema, movie execs point to piracy like a freefalling Keanu Reeves grasping at a spare 'chute. Here's an alternate theory. Ready? Then here goes. People are really, reaaaally annoying, so much so in fact that most of us will do absolutely anything in our power just to avoid sitting in a crowded room with them. By visiting your local cinema, you're essentially betting a huge chunk of change than none of these other grazing gasbags will decide to misbehave.
Of course, it could always be worse: you could be sharing a screen with none other than Final Fantasy 10's smirking berk Tidus. As anyone who's played this seminal PlayStation 2 title can attest, the T-man is little more than a synapse-splitting headache given human form (a fact that I suspect he very much enjoys). Equipped with the grand 'get out of jail free card' that is your birthday, Tidus can crunch, slurp and laugh to his heart's content: all the while wallowing in the misery of those paying patrons around him.
Batman chows down on a ready meal for one
Unsurprisingly, Gotham's dark knight detective doesn't have all that much time for close friends, what with the ever-present threat of chattering teeth bombs and shattered spines awaiting his next bosom buddy. Sure, he may have a whole bat-family of allies to call upon, but do any of them really stick around for the post-op tea and biscuits? Would he even let them?
All things considered, Bruce Wayne is a pretty damaged dude, and like most unfortunate peeps in his position--that's 'desperately alone', not 'wealthy night-time vigilante'--Bruce will probably be spending this next anniversary alone, perhaps slumped over a couch, eyes glued to the TV, frantically squeezing the last drops of juice from a Capri-Sun. Bleak, harrowing stuff.
Is it your birthday today, little guy? Congratulations, you've just won the GamesRadar grand prize: a harsh lesson in the perils of gullibility Got any other party ideas. Leave your tips, suggestions and angry, bitter tirades in the comments section below.
And once you've settled down, taken a few deep breathes and relaxed with the cool, clean, incomparable refreshment of a tall birthday gin (provided that at least your most recent birthday confirmed that as legal), check out some of our related features. Video game characters' school report cards would be a good start, as would be the possibly partying-related Video game characters' criminal records