How video games would play if you were the bad guy

We play as the hero for a reason

Gaming's odds are usually unfairly balanced in favour of the player, because that's what makes them fun. Who would enjoy playing as the ducks in Duck Hunt? Nobody, that's who. But just in case anyone longs to see what it's like from the other side's point of view, we've put together some control schemes for famous video game enemies to see how they'd work. Here are the surprising results...

Bandit controls:

The problem with old Marston is that he's got far too much of a conscience. Your regular bandits, however, have no such qualms. You can do pretty much anything you like and still be romantically thought of as a rogue in years to come. Just don't get lassoed and left on the train track with your cronies. Some sick bastards enjoy making YouTube videos of such things. You have been warned, bandit.

Orbinaut controls

The biggest problem with playing as Orbinaut is he's crap. You have four projectiles which must all be fired in one go and never reload, leaving you completely powerless. And you can only move in one direction. Still, many a Sonic has died at the spiky hands of Orbinaut, so some people would love this one...

Colossus controls:

Let's be honest, the best you can really hope for is stepping on the irritating little prick that's trying to stab you in the brain. That said, critics will fawn over what is obviously such an incredibly worthy, arty, thought-provoking experience. And the PAL version with the art cards would be eBay gold.

Metal Gear Soldier controls:

This might actually be a lot of fun. Except for the crippling myopia filter that means you can only see vague shapes outside your tiny cone of vision. This filter can be temporarily reduced by spamming the 'huh?' button. A nail-bitingly tense game of cat and mouse, Metal Gear Soldier is a battle between you, a covert ops specialist and staying the hell awake.

Helghan controls:

Can you shoot Sevchenko? Can you avoid getting stabbed despite emptying an entire clip into your foe (see Stabbing through Killzone 2 for the perils you'll face)? But, most importantly, can you find the secret cheat that actually fastens the strap on your helmet? Helghan Soldier - the answer is in your hands!

Zombie controls:

Try to keep your head (literally) as you stalk the corridors of the deserted mansion, feasting on any living being that crosses your path. With exciting commands like 'urg' and 'arg' at your disposal, Resident Zombie is a dead good way to spend your free time. Rated 'R' for Rotting.

Dragon controls:

The most likely game of the bunch to actually happen as DLC. We would buy it. You get to fly around for ages, resurrect some fellow dragons and then go on a killing spree to see if stone beds really are fireproof. We considered calling the game 'Dragonrim' but Dave pointed out that idea was 'perhaps a little too innocently-minded to survive in the internet at large'.