How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Know how people always say “The best defense is a good offense?” Those people are stupid assholes. Sure, you won’t have a problem defending yourself if you kill all of the zombies, but you’re never going to do that, unless maybe you have a nuclear bomb, in which case you’ll die too. So what then, people who repeat trite phrases?

Well, there is no perfect zombie defense structure, but any well fortified building will do for a while. Of course, you can’t stay any longer than your water and food rations will last, so you’d better hope your rescue is swift (unless you have a replicator from Star Trek or something, but in that case, just teleport out of there and go on more crazy space adventures!). More commonly, outbreak survivors choose to risk life and brain and dash out of the infected area, generally with guns blazing, and possibly with no holds barred. But if you do decide to stick out the invasion and wait for rescue, you’ll want to be in a building with thick fire doors, caged windows, and some kind of soundproofing (so they can’t hear you, and you don’t have to hear them). Either that, or a mall, the old standby (not particularly recommended).

If, however, you’re more into the whole making a last stand with nothing but a pistol and mean look in your eye type of thing, there are a few points to consider before you face the horde.

Without external protection, a routine zombie encounter can easily be your last - one bite and it’s all moaning and outstretched arms for you. So a thick, bite-proof coating will serve you well. Put on as much leather as possible. A motorcycle helmet can’t hurt either, and it’ll make you look really cool. If you’re a woman, however, some kind of slinky red dress or short skirt will provide adequate protection. Fact: male zombies are highly intimidated by displays of sexuality, and female zombies can easily become self conscious when confronted by whole, non-decomposed figures.

Any injury that might delay your escape could be fatal, so be sure to carry a basic first aid kit in case you break a leg, shoot yourself in the foot, or just decide to end it all the painless way. Do be sure to pack several bottles of pain killers (raid your local pharmacy!), as they’ll be necessary if physical pain starts slowing you down, or you just feel like getting silly for a bit.

In the case that you’re traveling on foot, remember to wear comfortable shoes, such as combat boots with lots of cool latches and zippers or high heels. If traveling by car, it’s recommended that you barrel through obstacles with no regard for the structural integrity of the vehicle. Running over large groups of zombies will probably cause very little damage to the vehicle, assuming that it’s not American made - we hear American auto manufacturers have been making a few cutbacks lately.