Nicolas Cage The Wicker Man (2006)
The Performance: “OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!” That pretty much sums it up.
How It Could've Been Rescued: It’s perfect(ly awful) as it is. A world without that bee helmet scene would be a sadder place indeed.
Taylor Lautner Abduction (2011)
The Performance: Lautner attempts to translate his Twi-brooding to another potential franchise-starter. Sadly, leaving his top on for most of the running time means we have to concentrate on his acting which – sorry guys and gals – really isn’t up to much.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Lautner topless throughout the entire movie. Nothing like a six pack distraction.
Orlando Bloom Pirates Of The Caribbean (2003-2007)
The Performance: Bloom’s meant to be playing a charming young rogue – a swashbuckling hero of yore. Instead, his line-delivery is more wooden than the Black Pearl herself, and his romance with Keira Knightley is soppy and devoid of depth.
How It Could've Been Rescued: Casting Johnny Depp as both Jack Sparrow and Will Turner. Now that could’ve been good.
Tommy Wiseau The Room (2003)
The Performance: Small surprise this one’s been branded by some critics the “ Citizen Kane of bad movies”. As a man caught in a love triangle, Wiseau’s lack of acting ability is horrifically evident, and the result is a film that's unintentionally hilarious for all the wrong reasons.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By giving the film a Looney Tunes score and pretending it really is meant to be one big joke.
Sean Connery The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
The Performance: Self-assured and cocky to the extreme, Connery delivers his worst screen performance in League Of Extraordinary Gentleman. He’s basically playing a mixture of Bond and Papa Jones, but in a stinker of a movie.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By actually getting Connery to try something different.
Madonna Body Of Evidence (1993)
The Performance: Madge writhes around in what she clearly thinks is a sexy way in this ‘erotic’ thriller. Sadly, all eroticism is sucked out the window at the sight of the popstrel engaging in hideously graphic sex with a terrified-looking Willem Dafoe.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By blurring out all of Madonna's lady parts.
Morgan Freeman Wanted (2008)
The Performance: Freeman sticks out like a sore thumb in this comic adap. Not because he’s bad necessarily (when is he ever?), but because he deserves to be in a better class of movie. Every time he’s on screen, we wish we were watching him in something better. It ruins the movie.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By cutting out all of Freeman's scenes and editing them into his own Wanted mini adventure.
Tommy Lee Jones Batman Forever (1995)
The Performance: Yes, that really is the one and only Tommy Lee Jones rocking around in Joel Schumacher’s Batflick. As Two-Face, he brings a new meaning to the word ‘ham’ – which is fitting, considering Jim Carrey’s right next to him offering up the cheese.
How It Could've Been Rescued: They could’ve asked Aaron Eckhart to play the role…
Denise Richards The World Is Not Enough (1999)
The Performance: We all know that Bond girls aren’t meant to be smart exactly, but casting Denise Richards in the role of a scientist just takes the biscuit. Taking more biscuits, they then shove her in really skimpy Bond girl outfits and get her to recite scientific factoids. Our heads hurt.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By explaining that Christmas Jones just thinks she's a clever scientist; in reality, all the other scientists only keep her around because she looks nice.
Vinnie Jones X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
The Performance: “Oim tha jugga-nort bitch!” Vinnie makes up for the fact that he can’t really play anything beyond Lock Stock ’s gobby gangsters by yelling every single line. Yes, every single one. Badly.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By leaving him locked up in that transport lorry and cutting him from the rest of the movie. Or by casting Eric Cantona instead. At least that guy has charisma.
Kevin Costner Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991)
The Performance: Costner’s odd ‘British’ accent stumbles all over the shop, winding up sounding – in retrospect – like some kind of Madonna parody. Except even Madonna doesn’t sound this bad.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By re-shooting a scene in which Robin Hood bashes his head during the fight, and thereby explaining his muddled accent.
Mariah Carey Glitter (2001)
The Performance: Need we really discuss it? So bad that Ms Carey earned herself the Golden Raspberry award for Worst Actress. It took her eight years to bounce back with Precious , which proved that she could, in fact, act. Shame she didn’t in this snorefest.
How It Could've Been Rescued: Having Mariah Carey wake up at the end of the film (as Mariah Carey) realising she’s just had a really long, horrible dream.
Jon Voight Anaconda (1997)
The Performance: Flourishing an absurd Cajun accent, Voight is obviously playing up the camp in a daft monster movie that sort of calls for it - but he tips right out into the other side of absurdity. He winds up being the movie’s most embarrassing component.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By just letting Voight go nuts and play the ruddy snake - he's clearly in a hammy mood.
Jennifer Lopez Gigli (2003)
The Performance: J-Lo isn’t solely responsible for officially the Most Hated Film Of 2003 – some of the blame lies in then-beau co-star Ben Affleck, as well. Together, they have zero on-screen chemistry. No wonder they broke up just a month after the film bombed.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By adding in a sitcom laughter track to play up the awfulness of it all.
M. Night Shyamalan Lady In The Water (2006)
The Performance: Shyamalan sticks his fingers up at critics by casting himself in his own movie. He plays a writer whose work is the only hope for man’s survival. Or something. Hideously self-fulfilling.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Shyamalan do a post-credit segment in which he goes “ner-ner” at the camera. Because he’s obviously so desperate to do so.
Bruce Willis Oceans Twelve (2004)
The Performance: Steven Soderbergh’s film disappears up its own backside in the awful scene in which Bruce Willis appears as himself. Meanwhile, Julia Roberts plays Tess Ocean disguised as Julia Roberts. The acting isn't bad per se, it’s just all horribly smug. And not at all funny.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Alan Rickman come in and do a little ode to Die Hard with Brucie. If you’re going to do parody at least go all out.
Elizabeth Berkley Showgirls (1995)
The Performance: Dolphin sex! Saved By The Bell star Berkley is obviously under the impression that this is her big break, and she gives it her all. Sadly, her all mostly involves delivering lines with such a sucking lack of irony or humour that the entire film threatens to collapse around her. And frequently does.
How It Could've Been Rescued: It was clearly a role written for Sharon Stone, who could’ve brought the requisite bite to the role.
Sage Stallone Rocky V (1990)
The Performance: Sly Stallone casts his own son in this ill-advised fifth entry in the Rocky franchise. Sadly, he didn’t check first to see if said son could actually act. In short: he couldn’t, and pulled the rest of the film down with him.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By turning the film into a behind the scenes documentary about the Stallones. Now that we'd watch - but only if Jackie was involved. (Yeah, Jackie.)
Chris Tucker The Fifth Element (1997)
The Performance: Screeching his way through this otherwise divertingly daft sci-fi, Tucker sounds like a litter of cats slowly drowning in a futuristic river. We’re always up for a little camp silliness, but this one's a serious patience tester.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By removing the audio track of Tucker talking and replacing it with the sound of a clucking chicken. Far less annoying.
Timothy Olyphant Hitman (2007)
The Performance: Olyphant plays the titular hitman with such a crippling lack of feeling or motivation that he’s a hollow, unengaging lead. God only know why he’s coming back for the proposed sequel.
How It Could've Been Rescued: Explain that the hitman has no feelings because there’s something wrong with his brain. Or something.
Ahmed Best Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace (1999)
The Performance: Even the Ewoks weren’t as derided or despised as a flapping Gungan known as Jar Jar Binks. Single-handled destroying every scene he appears in, the hapless, clumsy alien amphibian is an irritating blot on the prequels – and a perfect encapsulation of everything that’s wrong with Lucas’ prequels.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By killing Jar Jar in a really horribly gory fashion that makes everybody suddenly feel really sorry for him. Martyrdom here we come.
Lorraine Bracco Medicine Man (1992)
The Performance: So terrible that Bracco received a Razzie nomination in the Worst Actress category. The doctor who claimed to be the model for Sean Connery’s character even sued the makers of the film – yup, even he was ashamed of it.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Connery pointing and laughing at Bracco throughout the whole film.
John Wayne The Conqueror (1956)
The Performance: Wayne plays Asian Genghis Khan with the same swaggering bravado he brought to so many classic Westerns. The result? Something awful of truly epic proportions. Worse, even, than Wayne’s turn in The Greatest Story Ever Told . Shudder.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By giving Wayne a whip and a horse. Genghis Khan Wild West stylee!
Darren Ewing Troll 2 (1990)
The Performance: This guy should get some kind of award. Not for being bad, of course, but for being so freaking entertaining that he completely ruins the rest of the movie because we can’t stop giggling. His mouth says “Oh my God”, but his eyes say “kill me”. Genius.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By celebrating it as one of the worst performances ever and turning Ewing into a cult star...
Mark Wahlberg The Happening (2008)
The Performance: Wahlberg fails to carry M. Night Shyamalan’s stinker of a ‘nature fights back’ thriller, treating everything with a stilted seriousness when the film really needs a nod-and-a-wink to help lift it. To be fair, even Leo DiCaprio would look stupid trying to outrun the wind…
How It Could've Been Rescued: Add in giant CGI trees - at least give poor old Marky Mark something substantial to run away from.
Halle Berry Catwoman (2004)
The Performance: To be fair, she had a truly horrendous catsuit to contend with. Still, Berry’s partly to blame, failing to capture the same sexy bad girl spirit that Michelle Pfeiffer so effortlessly conjured in the vastly, vastly superior Batman Returns .
How It Could've Been Rescued: By CGI-ing a whole new catsuit on top of the old one (thanks Green Lantern ). it won't improve the acting, but one thing at a time, eh?
Steven Seagal Exit Wounds (2001)
The Performance: To be honest, we could’ve plucked any one of Seagal’s films off his CV for this entry - the guy is that consistently bad. He’s not even so bad he’s good. He ruins every movie he’s in because it’s impossible to believe him in any character – he just is Steven Seagal…
How It Could've Been Rescued: By ending the film with a scene in which Seagal is in the bath playing with toy warships in the bath and going “pow pow!” a lot. He's clearly imagined the whole sorry lot.
Rob Lowe Youngblood (1986)
The Performance: Lowe hasn’t a hope in Patrick Swayze’s shadow. Puffed up as a shiny wannabe beefcake (minus the beef), he’s ultimately unable to match Swayze in the allure or physicalality stakes, meaning he’s an unnecessary addition to the cast.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Lowe lather up and swagger around in his jockstrap for a bit. Oh, he already did that? OK, there’s no rescuing thissun.
Marlon Brando Candy (1968)
The Performance: Brando plays a horny, fake Indian guru. Luckily, his screen time is limited. But along with a handful of other dreadful cameos – among them Richard Burton – he manages to sink this ‘60s travesty right to the bottom of the bog.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By getting Brando to say “dude” a lot. Completely useless, but it'd at least make us giggle more.
Sofia Coppola The Godfather Part III (1990)
The Performance: Coppola took the reins from Winona Ryder for the trilogy-capping Godfather flick. Sadly, Ryder’s absence was heavily felt as Coppola demonstrated that acting wasn’t in her blood. The final “Dad” is a line delivery of horrific proportions.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By making a joke over the fact that this isn’t the real Mary Corleone. She’s actually a robot replacement that’s gone a bit wrong.
John Lydon Copkiller (1983)
The Performance: So stilted that Lydon can’t even mount an escalator and walk past the camera without completely messing it up. Lydon is so chronically camera-aware that he ruins the entire movie – how are we supposed to suspend our disbelief if even he can’t?
How It Could've Been Rescued: By having Lydon sing/shout his lines to the tune of ‘God Save The Queen’ instead.
Anthony Michael Hall Johnny Be Good (1988)
The Performance: Want somebody to play a football jock? Maybe you should hire somebody who looks like a football jock. Anthony Michael Hall didn’t back in 1988, what with being more famous as that geek from Sixteen Candles. The entire movie suffers from his miscasting.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By getting Hall to bulk up before filming. Like seriously bulk up.
Demi Moore Striptease (1996)
The Performance: Poor Demi – somebody forgot to tell her that she was actually starring in a comedy. In what could have been a campy guilty pleasure, Moore plays is so straight it actually hurts to watch her on-screen. Meanwhile, Burt Reynolds steals the limelight.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By adding in some sound effects. Every time Moore shakes her boobs, they make a cowbell sound etc…
Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd (1995)
The Performance: What should have been the meanest mofo of Mega City One is reduced to a cuddly kids cartoon character in the hands of Stallone. He even takes his helmet off – pretty much the biggest Dredd no-no there is.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By revealing at the end of the movie that Stallone’s Dredd was actually an imposter - and he's about to get the shit kicked out of him by the real Dredd.
Laurence Olivier The Betsy (1978)
The Performance: A cartoonish travesty. Olivier goes ham mad with one of the goofiest accents ever committed to celluloid. He causes the entire film to cave in on itself. Even Olivier admitted he only took the gig for the money.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By burning every copy of the film.
Robert De Niro Frankenstein (1994)
The Performance: De Niro plays Frankenstein’s monster, except he doesn’t. Instead, he resurrects moves from every gangster flick he’s ever appeared in and applies them to the monster – the result is a joke of a performance.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By giving the monster a machine gun and turning him into a mobster monster.
Saffron Burrows Deep Blue Sea (1999)
The Performance: This is our heroine? The one we’re supposed to root for? Ostensibly the Ripley of the piece? Then why does she sound like she’s sucking on lemon pips and contending with a stick up the arse? Even when Burrows’ character (SPOILER) dies in a moment that’s meant to shock, we feel absolutely nothing.
How It Could've Been Rescued: Feeding Burrows to the sharks much earlier on in the film.
Robin Williams Patch Adams (1998)
The Performance: Williams just can’t resist going the whole hog on the film’s sickly-sweet script. He doesn't even attempt to rein things in for a more measured and believable interpretation of the material. The result is so sugary it should come with a diabetes warning.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By adding in a scene that explains Patch isn’t really a doctor but a fellow patient from the psych ward who likes to play doctor every once in a while. Tragic, really.
Paul Newman The Silver Chalice (1954)
The Performance: Newman was so ashamed of his performance that he took out an ad in a Hollywood trade paper apologising for it. He even went so far as to request that people didn’t bother to watch it. Which, naturally, had the opposite effect when it was broadcast on TV in 1966.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By embracing the camp and turning Silver Chalice into a campy period romp.
Elvis Presley - Stay Away, Joe (1968)
The Performance: How did this even happen? Presley paints himself and dresses up to play an Indian - a fatal misstep. The title’s inevitably fortuitous – stay away, indeed.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By giving the movie a lively Bollywood soundtrack to glosh over the crap. Sure it's the wrong kind of Indian, but that didn't stop Elvis.
Harrison Ford - Random Hearts (1999)
The Performance: Ford tries his hand at a full-on romantic drama, but his heart doesn’t seem to be in it. Though he has fun in the police corruption subplot, it’s all just too preposterous, and Ford looks as baffled as we do.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By ending the movie with Ford's character opening a trunk to reveal his Indiana Jones costume - he's been undercover for the entire movie!
Hugh Marlowe The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)
The Performance: So awful that even the dated special effects convince more than Marlowe’s performance. Failing to find any depth in his performance, Marlowe is the very definition of two dimensional.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By using today's technology to remove him from the movie. You could put a lovely plant in his place.
John Travolta - Battlefield Earth (2000)
The Performance: Clearly only doing it because he fancied himself in dreads and platform boots, Travolta raids the dress-up box and delivers a performance with about as much subtlety as the script he’s playing with. Famously awful.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By casting Forest Whitaker opposite him in similarly awful alien garb. Oh...
Pauly Shore - California Man (1992)
The Performance: Shore never rocks up to set playing anything other than himself. Which means he’s right at home playing himself again here - even though he’s about as convincing as Brendan Fraser’s hair.
How It Could've Been Rescued: By simply renaming the character 'Pauly' and pretending this is some sort of kooky documentary.
Amy Lalonde Diary Of The Dead (2007)
The Performance: Lalone is so bad that it’s impossible to distinguish between her intentionally bad acting Diary Of The Dead ’s internal B movie, and the movie itself. Irredeemably horrendous. Crap movie, too.
How It Could've Been Rescued: End the film with somebody watching Diary Of The Dead and commenting on how shit it is - in particular Lalone.
Stephen Lack Scanners (1981)
The Performance: Mr Lack commits the cardinal sin of acting – he tries to eat the scenery. Hamming up just about every scene he’s in, Lack’s responsible for almost entirely upending Cronenberg’s film – only co-stars Michael Ironside and Jennifer O’Neal stop it all going horribly wrong.
How It Could've Been Rescued: Get James Woods in there instead.
Keanu Reeves Dracula (1991)
The Performance: You can visibly see Keanu attempting not to end every one of his lines with “dude”. The result? A performance that looks like the young actor’s perpetually constipated. Painful for all parties.
How It Could've Been Rescued: Get Ian McKellen to re-record all of Keanu's lines - gravitas here we come.
Hayden Christensen Star Wars: Episode II Attack Of The Clones (2002)
The Performance: How to ensure that George Lucas’ stilted, creaky dialogue is brought beautifully to life? Cast an actor who’s as wooden as a Trojan horse and about as charismatic as a sucking black hole. Where’s Harrison Ford when you need him?
How It Could've Been Rescued: Brushing the script up enough that Leo DiCaprio accepted the role.
