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All geeks are beautiful after a makeover
If you act like a 12-year-old boy, beautiful women will fall in love with you
The Lie: Beautiful women aren’t interested in men who can provide witty conversation, sweep them off their feet or even do their own washing. What they really like are oafish, arrested-development types who, whilst sweet-natured, are essentially children.
The Liars: Big, Billy Madison, The Waterboy
In Real Life: If a thirty-year-old man started regularly haunting his local school, questions would be asked…
Prostitutes have a fairly nice time of it...
The Lie: The life of a working girl is one of easy money, flexible hours and occasional romance, with a slightly trashy hairdo the usual trade-off for such a leisurely occupation. Punters are usually well-heeled, good-looking business types, or loveable schmucks in need of a sympathetic ear.
The Liars: Pretty Woman, Trading Places
In Real Life: The clientele is a little different, with down-on-their-luck billionaires being somewhat few and far between. Abusive nutcases on the other hand….
Sex in the shower is bloody great...
The Lie: What better way to explore your “passionate” side than by getting all steamed up in the shower? There’s really nothing more romantic than soaping-up and getting down to it under a stream of running water…unless you’re in prison of course.
The Liars: Breathless, Gia, The Specialist
In Real Life: It’s way more trouble than it’s worth. Most people fall somewhat short of sexual-gymnast status and are more likely to end up with a broken neck than a screaming orgasm.
Women keep their bras on during sex...
The Lie: Whilst a woman might be perfectly happy to have sex with you, letting you see her breasts is an absolute no-no, so her bra will be staying on throughout proceedings. In the unlikely event that she’s willing to remove it, she will become incredibly coy as soon as the deed is done, making sure to clutch a sheet to her chest at all times.
The Liars: I Know Who Killed Me, Knocked Up, Alone In The Dark
In Real Life: Bras aren’t especially comfortable…most women can’t wait to whip them off! And as for sleeping in them…
Nobody can suss a man in drag...
The Lie: No disguise is more effective than slipping into a floral dress and trowelling on a bit of slap. Once dressed as a woman, black people can pass for white people, adult males can pass for teenagers and fathers can trick their children into loving them. Sorted!
The Liars: Mrs. Doubtfire, White Chicks, Big Momma’s House
In Real Life: If you know what an adam’s apple looks like, spotting a man in a dress shouldn’t be too taxing.
Being caught in the rain is pleasurable...
The Lie: There’s nothing like getting soaked to the skin to make you feel alive! Whether you’re sharing a passionate kiss, performing a song and dance routine or escaping from a maximum security prison, no pleasure is too intense that it can’t be enhanced by a spot of drizzle.
The Liars: Singin' In The Rain, Spiderman, The Shawshank Redemption
In Real Life: As a British magazine, we feel qualified to confirm that rain is bloody miserable. Only the mentally deranged enjoy “getting caught in the rain.”
Bombs are always equipped with a handy digital clock...
The Lie: If you’re a global terrorist looking to blow up a plane/train/kindergarten, it’s common courtesy to equip your bomb with a handy electronic timer, just so the good guys know what they’re up against. If said timer could flash dramatically as the countdown reaches its final minute, that would be preferable. Replacing the timer with a mobile phone is terribly pretentious. Nobody will thank you for it.
The Liars: Die Hard With A Vengeance, Face/Off, Lethal Weapon 3
In Real Life: Actual terrorists aren’t as considerate as their celluloid counterparts in that they usually want the bomb to go off. Having it dramatically disarmed at the last possible moment is generally considered a failure.
Flesh-wounds don't hurt...
The Lie: Taken a bullet in the arm? Don’t worry, it’s just a flesh wound. In fact, anything short of a head-shot should be treated as a mild annoyance, to be greeted with a grunt and a shot of whiskey. Blood loss? Nope, never heard of it mate.
The Liars: Most major action franchises. Return Of The Jedi is one notable offender having devoted significant effort to stressing how bad a blaster wound is, only for Leia to take one in the arm with a steely, “It’s not bad!”
In Real Life: A gunshot wound is likely to put you on your backside for some time, and the dangers of losing blood are not mythical. Funnily enough, all that red stuff sloshing around inside you is there for a reason.
If you're fit, you can outrun nature...
The Lie: Nature is no match for the human spirit. Facing imminent death as a torrent of molten lava flows towards you? No worries, you can always outrun it. The same goes for the rising sun, and even “the cold”…so long as you’ve got some decent trainers on (excluding women, who are perfectly capable of running in heels), you can leave those pesky perils trailing in your dust. Just do it. Ahem…
The Liars: The Mummy Returns, The Day After Tomorrow, Dante’s Peak
In Real Life: Surprisingly enough, it’s quite difficult to outpace a chilly breeze. Who knew?
