The wild waters, off, we can only assume, not the coast of Clacton (though the weather fits).
Here comes the voice-over: "This place has known magic," explains Dumbledore. Where, then? Skegness? Whitby?
Windswept
"Very powerful," continues ol' Albus as Harry starts to wonder why Dumbledore can't just drop the cryptic schtick and just tell him exactly what's going on.
Caving In
We cut to the pair in a cave that looks like something out of Lord Of The Rings...
Gandalf Meets Dumbledore - now there's a fan-fiction story to set fanboys frothing.
Quick Change
A series of flash cuts reveal the likes of Tom Riddle, a magical locket, some fire and a snake... Because it's the symbol of Slytherin, see? Subtle.
Incidentally, this bit was edited by Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg has already called it his "favourite part of any Harry Potter trailer ever."
Enemy Within
Oh, look.... The snake turned into Voldemort. What. A. Shock.
Clearly, that's the money-shot CGI effect that's held up the release for so long...
Man On A Mission
"This time," cautions the big D as he and Harry stand in his office, "I cannot hope to destroy it alone.
Um... Yeah, like you always did everything alone before, Albus? We think Harry deserves a little more credit.
Hand To Heart
Someone else gets a go on the voice-over trumpet. It's Arthur Weasley (aka Mark Williams): "Times like these... dark times..." (again with the darkness - they're pushing it hard this time) "...they can bring people together."
Ginny reaches for Harry... "Take my hand," she says. You tease, miss Weasley! And look - a unicorn. Is that symbolising something, like out of Blade Runner ?
Hell Hath No Fury...
"And they can tear them apart," says Arthur, warming to his doom-laden monologue.
Ron, meanwhile, has been carrying on with some floozy. And Hermione is PISSED. Don't worry, dear. You end up with him. Oops... Spoiler alert?
Fashion Victim
"These girls," panics Ron, "they're going to kill me, Harry!"
If the clothes police don't get you first, Ron...
Dark Mark
Time for someone professional to take over for a second as Movie Trailer Guy kicks into his pitch...
"THIS YEAR..."
Oh, and over a shot of young Malfoy up to no good we hear Remus Lupin say, "Voldemort has chosen Draco Malfoy for a mission." But he's rubbish at completing tasks! You'd think the Dark Lord would have kept a closer watch on him, Sir Alan-style...
Alley Oops
Trailer Guy's back, over a montage (you gotta have a montage) of powerful magic wreaking havoc over London and Diagon Alley being destroyed.
"EVIL WILL PASS THROUGH FROM THEIR WORLD INTO OUR OWN." We knew those prunes were a bad idea...
"These are mad times, we live in... mad!" shouts Harold Slughorn (Jim Broadbent), resisting an "I tells ya!"
Open Wide
"AND THE DARKEST HOUR IS UPON US ALL!!!"
Okay, we get it. The film's dark. The book was dark, so the film's dark. Maybe Dumbledore can cheer us all up...
"This is beyond anything I imagined." So that's a no, then.
Next, we see poor old Katie Bell tortured by a spell.
Kissy Kissy
"In my life, I have seen things that are truly horrific," says Dumbledore over several bleak pics.
"Now I know you will see worse." Still, Harry gets to snog Ginny, so it's not all bad.
Flying High
Hey look, Quidditch! We thought the films had all but abandoned it
And - finally - CGI technology has caught up and the game looks half-believable.
No Pressure...
"You're the chosen one, Harry..." Dumbledore reminds us all over a shot of the students either A) powering up their wands or B) preparing to compete in some school conducting competition.
"You have to realise who you are," declares Hermione. We think he knows by now...
See Creatures
"Without you, we would leave the fate of our world to chance..."
Dumbledore piles on the pressure as... heeey! Those things don't just look like Gollum, they're practically taken from the same CG file!
They're called Inferi, by the way - corpses controlled by dark magic. JK clearly stole the idea from Resident Evil 4.
Malfoooooy!
"You have no choice. You must not fail."
Dumbledore, again sweeping the awards for Most Depressing Mentor Ever.
Harry and Malfoy have a fight...
Up In Flames
The Weasleys watch in horror as dark forces (yes, there are dark forces in this film, apparently) destroy their happy home, The Burrows...
Dumbleforce
More chaos in London and lots of extremely cool effects shots.
Snape says, "It's over..." (whatever can he mean?) and Dumbledore howling spells as he gets his mojo working.
Bella Spella
More quick shots, including Draco saying, "I have to do this..."
And Helena Bonham Carter - as superevil witch Bellatrix Lestrange letting her crazy side fly.
Amped Up
"Fight back! Fight back, you coward!" screams Harry as he battles Snape.
One final rush of destruction, some screaming and we're done! It's a bit like press day at Total Film. With magic instead of pizza.
The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.
