Top 7... Crankiest bastards in gaming history
7. Squall Leonheart in Final Fantasy VIII
Over the course of Squall's journey he grows into an empathetic, caring individual (kinda), but many are likely to remember him as the crankiest teenage soldier this side of Cloud Strife. A skilled fighter with a gunblade, Squall is a top recruit for paramilitary group SeeDs, but that doesn't stop him from being a prickly jerk to everyone he meets. He basically makes, "...Whatever," his catchphrase by pushing away everyone he meets with his rotten attitude.
Squall throws out memorably mopey complaints throughout FFVIII, like: "Someday you're bound to lose everything. Everybody around you will be gone," along with so many ellipses that he single-handedly make "..." a JRPG dialogue stereotype. This buzzkill does his best to push everyone away with his myopathy, but his unexpected feelings for Rinoa eventually push him out of his shell and get him to grow the hell up. If only that worked for all the annoying teens in real life, who stare at their shoes while mumbling "...Whatever" at everyone around them.
6. Chris from Thomas Was Alone
Thomas Was Alone is one of the more intriguing, experimental titles I've played in the last year or so, thanks to its mix of clever puzzle-platforming and dry sense of humor. Every character may appear to be only a flat shape, but they're imbued with tons of personality via a friendly British narrator. It's through this narration that we get acquainted with Chris, a pessimistic orange square that has a real chip on his shoulder--er, I mean, top left corner. Without ever speaking or emoting, Chris quickly establishes himself as one of gaming's biggest cranks.
A simple AI that recently gained sentience, Chris was just fine being alone (thank you very much), and is instantly annoyed at the sight of the tall, talented jumpers who become his teammates. Chris often grumbles about having to help everyone else succeed, his anger a result of his resentment of his own short height and subpar jumping skills. Not unlike Squall, Chris softens some after discovering love, though he's still endearingly grumpy by the game's finale
5. Falco Lombardi from Star Fox
Star Fox is a pretty balanced team of space mercenaries. There's steadfast leader Fox, helpful elder statesman Peppy, well meaning doofus Slippy, and Falco rounding out the team as the egotistical a-hole. Falco is wholeheartedly convinced he's the best pilot on the team, often slinging sarcastic insults at the rest of the squad for not being as awesome as he is. Falco does have the skills to back up some his claims, but modesty clearly isn't one of his attributes.
As you'd expect, Falco is at his crankiest when his skills fail him. If he's in danger during a Star Fox 64 mission, his deadpan response to assistance is normally, "Gee, I've been saved by Fox. How swell." or "I guess I should be thankful." (Yes, you should be thankful that Fox saved your life, jerkass.) Spoken dialogue was still novel when the game came out, so lines like these are etched in the memories of old school N64 players, forever establishing Falco as a jaded rival. There's well-earned respect for Fox underneath all Falco's taunting, but he's pretty good at hiding behind his barrage of pissy one liners.
4. Shaun Hastings from Assassin's Creed franchise
Desmond is the chosen one who will save the planet from certain doom, so he's got the steadfast support of the entire Assassin's Guild behind him--save for the continually sarcastic, pessimistic Shaun Hastings. The cranky Brit is the resident expert who guides Desmond through the past, and is always setting aside time to editorialize. To Hastings, everything in history is much worse than it looks on the surface, and he's never afraid to share his opinions.
Whether implying that he's the only one in the Assassin's organization doing any real work, or treating everyone around him like a lumbering simpleton, Shaun is usually annoyed (and annoying) in one way or another. And Shaun is this cranky despite the fact that he owes his life a dozen times over to the Assassins, which makes you wonder how much of a dick he is to his enemies. However, while he may be an asshole, Shaun is also one of the most loyal members of the greatly diminished Assassin's Guild, and is always ready to risk his life battling the Templars--but not before he thoroughly explains how much he hates everything around him.
3. Larry from The Walking Dead Season One
Stress can affect anyone's mood during tough times, and I think we'd all be a bit touchy during a zombie apocalypse. So it takes a special type of cantankerous ass to stand out when hordes of the undead surround you, and in The Walking Dead, that jerk is Larry. From the moment he appears, Larry treats everyone he meets with suspicion and doubt, going so far as immediately suggesting killing a child when it seems remotely possible that the boy has a zombie infection. What a dick!
Even when protagonist Lee and the rest of the group try to help Larry out, the old crank resists every step of way. Larry would much rather tell everyone who'll listen that his daughter is the only one around with any leadership skills. His doubts of Lee's judgement persist even if you try to save his life, and Larry's anger catches up with him in the end. Spoilers! All his stress and rage leads to the heart attack that eventually kills him, so let that be a lesson to all of us to chill out every now and then.
2. Francis from Left 4 Dead
Make no mistake, the shotgun-toting biker is a great asset to have when fighting the undead, especially given that Francis is immune to infection. But that help comes at a cost, Francis exists to hate--that and kill wave after wave of flesh eating zombies. He hates many, many things, and you will get to hear him endlessly list all of them..
As he walks through stages, Francis often points out another thing he strongly dislikes, much to the chagrin of his comrades. Among Francis' long list of hates: helicopters, Mondays, Canada, lawyers, vampires, sewers, parades, snow, birds, planes, the army, boats, islands, and goodbyes. With his continual listing of everything he doesn't like, is there anything Francis actually loves? He's fond of vests, and that's about it.
1. Cranky Kong in Donkey Kong Country
This guy had to be top of this list, but it isn't just because of his oh-so-obvious name. Cranky Kong is a crotchety old ape-man who can't stand all these newfangled video games and involved character animations, and he's always ready to point out how much better things were in the past. Back in his day they didn't have CGI visuals or lengthy gameplay explanations, and they were perfectly fine without them! Created by Rare in 1994, Cranky Kong and his hate for Donkey Kong Country is now 20 years old, so even his disgust for then-new games is thoroughly retro.
Thanks to his humorously mean quips, Cranky became a Donkey Kong Country fan favorite, his role as comic relief growing with each franchise entry. Cranky's constant mockery of Nintendo tropes and cliches ends up as self-deprecating fun, such as when he points out how useless most instruction manuals are or how few frames of animation he has. Plus, he works as a great outlet for the developers to vent towards their fans. You have to think lines like, "Try all you'd like, this game will never be as good as Donkey Kong Country, and even THAT was rubbish anyway!" are meant for players who reflexively roll their eyes at sequels.
Had enough Haterade for one day?
So those are the grumpiest cranks in gaming history, but perhaps you think we missed a character that's an even bigger grouch. Feel free to whine about it in the comments, though I'll give extra credit for anyone that can say something constructive along with their gripes.
And if you're looking for more to be cranky about, check out 23 little things that annoy us about the PS4 and game characters' complaints to the doctor.
Everything sucks
Life used to be great, but then people had to ruin it-even ice cream doesn't taste as good as it used to. Nobody can make anything good anymore, they're just worried about covering their own ass, and--oh, *ahem* sorry. It's easy to get a little cranky from time to time, but it's important not to go overboard. Debbie Downers, jaded cynics, jealous sidekicks, really old people that can't let go of the past--the world has more than enough of those types as-is. And that overly negative society is often reflected in the games we play, with rosters full of whining a-holes.
Yes, right here is the list of the biggest complainers in gaming history. Nothings good enough for these guys who see every glass half-empty, and the dark cloud in front of every silver lining. Some are snarky supporting characters, others are weathered protagonists and world weary whiners. Read on and enjoy! (Though, honestly, why bother? The internet has more than enough lists that are just as crappy as this one.)
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