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The Smurfs Travel the World | 1996
How do you know a developer with a cartoon license waning in popularity is desperate for ideas? They have to rip off an insipid Simpsons game to float an uninspired concept.
Above: Did you know Gargamel created Smurfette to infiltrate the Smurfs’ village and tear it down from the inside, only to be thwarted by Papa Smurf who gave her plastic surgery and turned her blonde?! That shit is true
Smurfs Travel the World continued the horrible mechanic of “sprint jumping” to survive, but at least our heroes were finally emboldened by a newfound ability to kick birds and snakes! Yeah, it took over a decade for The Smurfs to develop an offensive move, and in further keeping with the times, the vixenly Smurfette got promoted to a playable character, finally transcending her consistent role as the ever-kidnapped damsel. Talk about progressive!
Above: Pardon the language
“Traveling the World” however was little more than a flimsy premise to transport the Smurfs from their tired existence in just the same old wooded village and Gargamel’s Castle, and thus explain their transport to desert, jungle and ice level clichés. A world map was all you had to tell you this pained, paper-thin sequel had actually gone global.
Above: Whatever you say, game…
The Sega Master System version didn’t even bother with such distinctions, simply calling itself The Smurfs 2, and is otherwise notable for being the absolute last game ever released on the console in Europe.
The Smurfs%26rsquo; Nightmare | 1997
Gargamel was at it again, casting doom upon the poor, dumbass Smurfs in his quest for… what I originally thought was an evil, somewhat misguided quest for food? Clearly, there must be a better option in that lush forest than deboning several dozen magical rodents, so I’m guessing Gargamel simply moved on to methods of pure torture.
Above: OBSCENE!
Gargamel casts a sleeping spell upon the entire village, although instead of euthanizing and devouring them while they were unconscious, he forces them to live out playable versions of their innermost nightmares. Why the Smurfs’ subconsciouses are tormented by levels set in kitchens and libraries is beyond me, but then I’m 6’2” and couldn’t possibly relate to the plight of mutant Belgian midgets.
The Smurfs | 1999
Ah ha, back to basics! Before the reboot was all the rage, The Smurfs threw out all pretense and titular caveats for their 3D, PlayStation debut! The game finally embraced its demographic by no longer trying to pass itself off as a game for everyone, but instead a game for babies with no the ability to discern quality.
Featuring two sugarcoated modes (It’s a Piece of Cake and It’s No Picnic – clever!) of jagged polygon delight, you once again played as Hefty Smurf on a quest to rescue a couple Smurfs. However, in an interesting twist, the game opens with the appearance of a baby Smurf, whose name I can’t recall, and you had to collect toddler paraphernalia in order to help raise the asexually spawned infant. Wow! That’s neat, right? Right… c’mon there are only a few games left?!
Featuring two sugarcoated modes (It’s a Piece of Cake and It’s No Picnic – clever!) of jagged polygon delight, you once again played as Hefty Smurf on a quest to rescue a couple Smurfs. However, in an interesting twist, the game opens with the appearance of a baby Smurf, whose name I can’t recall, and you had to collect toddler paraphernalia in order to help raise the asexually spawned infant. Wow! That’s neat, right? Right… c’mon there are only a few games left?!
Smurfs Racing | 2001
And why should The Goddamned Smurfs by excluded from having their own Mario Kart clone? Everybody else got one back then! Yep, The Smurfs came roaring into the new millennium with a forgettable and uninspired kart racer, and it was one the world would truly never forget. Not because of any inherent quality, mind you. It’s just that the internet was running in full swing, because it’s one of the few games on this list to fledgling game sites bothered to review. Can you believe they treated it like real game?!
If I can give the game any credit, it’s that it at least featured more than two playable characters, with each kart embodying the distinction of their personalities as opposed to a unending army of defenseless Jango Fetts. However, I cannot forgive the game for the announcer screams “3… 2… 1… SMURF!” at the start of every race, since I can no longer put up with that kind of nonsense after a decade of watching The Smurfs before I was old enough to know better. That horseshit is obnoxious any way you slice it.
If I can give the game any credit, it’s that it at least featured more than two playable characters, with each kart embodying the distinction of their personalities as opposed to a unending army of defenseless Jango Fetts. However, I cannot forgive the game for the announcer screams “3… 2… 1… SMURF!” at the start of every race, since I can no longer put up with that kind of nonsense after a decade of watching The Smurfs before I was old enough to know better. That horseshit is obnoxious any way you slice it.
