How To Survive Final Destination
Don't Get On A Plane
If Final Destination has taught us anything, it's that we shouldn't fly, especially not on budget airlines with names like Volée Airlines. But if you do have to take to the skies, here are some things to look out for:
Are there scuffmarks on the door? Can you stow your tray table in the upright position? Does the flight number resemble a Jim Bowen catchphrase from a darts-based game show - a recurring omen of death in the Final Destination franchise (180 that is, not Bullseye )?
Yes? Then take our advice and proceed to your nearest emergency exit.
Wear Sunscreen
Tanning booths: the vessel of choice for vanity driven Oompa-Loompa wannabes, or life-size George Foreman grills? Well, the latter if F inal Destination 3 is anything to go by, as Ashley and Ashlyn find out after a toasty time spent trapped in these lean mean grilling machines.
The lesson here? If it has the potential to turn you into human jerky, avoid it at all costs.
If Someone Tells You That Youre All Going To DieListen To Them
Here's a little tip for you: if the film's pubescent protagonist looks clammy, a little bit shocked, and starts to babble incoherently about an impending disaster involving either an airplane ( Final Destination ), motorway ( Final Destination 2 ), roller coaster ( Final Destination 3 ) or Nascar race ( The Final Destination ); then listen to them.
If the evidence of four films is anything to go by, they might just be on to something...
Dont Listen To John Denver
Yes we know the folk icon was one of your mum's favourite singers. But given that he died in a plane crash, the same disaster you only just narrowly avoided, then perhaps you should put on some Britney instead.
Otherwise there's no telling where a chain reaction involving cold vodka, warm crockery, faulty home computers and poorly placed knife blocks might take you.
Avoid Sharp Objects
Barbed wire. Wood chippers. Fishing hooks. Knives. Glass shards. Car engines. Metal spikes. All seemingly innocuous objects that are just an elaborate Mouse Trap -like series of events away from flying through the air and dicing you up into bite size chunks.
You should probably invest in some safety scissors while you're at it, just in case.
Look Both Ways
It's the first rule of road safety, but if you fail to look both ways the chances are that a speeding bus is likely to wheel into view from the side of the frame and smash you to a bloody pulp. If you're lucky the driver might honk mere moments before ploughing into you.
But be warned. they'll never slow down, or even swerve, which given the amount of time you've spent meandering across the road making comments that could be deemed posthumously clairvoyant, seems pretty unfeasible.
Wear Speedos
Tight-fitting lycra may not be de rigueur for men on the chlorine-soaked catwalk, but a pair of Speedos are certainly less likely to get caught on the bottom of the pool while a malfunctioning drain sucks your internal organs out through your rectum.
So if you find yourself on the wrong side of the Grim Reaper, remember budgie smugglers are your friend.
Avoid Incompetent Emergency Services
Firemen, great for rescuing cats out of trees and posing for charity calendars, but as welcome as a hole in the head when it comes to using the jaws of life whilst your noggin is inches away from a sharp metal pole.
So remember don't dial 999, because if Death doesn't get you, incompetent emergency services will.
Don't Walk Under Ladders
One of the pearls of wisdom in Des'ree's alliterative anthem 'Life' is to never walk under ladders, a particularly useful nugget of information should you ever find yourself near the top of Death's 'To Do' list in the second instalment of the Final Destination franchise.
Of course she also babbles on about her fear of dimly lit recreational areas and preference for grilled breakfast staples over spiritual apparitions, which may or may not be useful to remember too.
Remember Death's Plan Doesn't Have A Sell By Date
The fact that you've survived long enough for the film to fade to black whilst an onscreen caption informs us that an arbitrary amount of time (usually six months) has passed, does not mean you've avoided Death's bony clutches.
Look behind you, the chances are a billboard sign ( Final Destination ), out of control truck ( The Final Destination ) or, er, exploding barbecue (Final Destination 2 ) is headed your way.
Take The Stairs
When it comes to body parts that might be crushed, popped or squashed, your head is ripe for cinematic exploitation.
Not only is it filled with gelatinous red mush, but it's also neatly perched on top of your shoulders, just waiting to be nipped off at the neck by the closing doors of an errant elevator.
So unless you want to share Norah's fate from Final Destination 2 , our advice is to keep your head and take the stairs.
Don't Say Anything Stupid
If you're going to say something that could potentially be rendered ironic should you suddenly be struck by a speeding bus, errant piece of debris or flying gas canister, then heed our advice and keep your trap shut.
Likewise whatever you do, don't taunt Death. It's not big and it's not clever. It is, however, likely to come back and bite you in the ass.
Don't Say Anything Stupid
If you're going to say something that could potentially be rendered ironic should you suddenly be struck by a speeding bus, errant piece of debris or flying gas canister, then heed our advice and keep your trap shut.
Likewise whatever you do, don't taunt Death. It's not big and it's not clever. It is, however, likely to come back and bite you in the ass.
Look Out For Pigeons
Mangy denizens of city centre tourist attractions or sphincter-less harbingers of untimely death?
Let's take a cue from Tim in Final Destination 2 who teaches us all a valuable lesson in the physics of 'falling glass pane meets squishy teenaged cranium' after running onto a conveniently placed building site to chase the feathered beasties and say the latter.
Don't Watch Nascar
If you're not bored to death by the prospect of brightly coloured cars whizzing round in circles in a seemingly never-ending effort to take the chequered flag - or for that matter the idea of Tom Cruise making a film about it - then you will come a cropper at the hands of an avalanche of flying debris that's likely to squish, slash and impale you in increasingly bombastic ways.
Our advice? Stay at home and watch paint dry instead.
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