How to play World of Warcraft properly

Did you see how I just tried passing off nonsense as fact? Get used to it. Dogma plays an important role in the logic behind playing World of Warcraft properly. If you come across any term or acronym that you don’t understand while reading this factual guide, please skip ahead to Pro Tip 4 below. More knowledge bombs are incoming. Please take cover for your own safety.

Above: If you actually clicked on this article, you probably need all the help you can get

If you happen to have fun by accident while playing WoW, that is acceptable. But it’s important for you to be aware of the fact that this game is not meant to be fun. What it’s supposed to do is make the cruel joke that is your life slightly more bearable - and in this, WoW continues to succeed with flying colors. The value of this truism should not be underestimated. Do you have a horrible and mundane day job? Does your life suck? Join the club, the club of fellow escapists suffering from the human condition. Just like the daily nightmare that is your real life, World of Warcraft is full of repetitive tasks, meaningless toil, idiots, and lots and lots of assholes. The bright side is that assholes are always easier to deal with when they look like a Blood Elf.

Above: This is my brother-in-law. In real life, I hate him because he’s a dick to my sister and his name is Lance. In World of Warcraft I only have to hate him for his low DPS

If you want to play with sissy role players, lose every battleground, wipe regularly, and join countless fail PUGs, then by all means roll an Alliance toon. Otherwise, it’s always best to create a Horde character. This is one of the most important first steps one must take in order to play WoW properly. That’s because the Horde faction generally attracts more hardcore and skilled players, while the Alliance faction just attracts more players. The reasoning goes like this.

- Alliance players outnumber Horde players on most servers.
- That’s because more players identify with the “good guy” fantasy races represented in the Alliance faction.
- Players who identify with the “good guys” suck.
- Therefore, the pool of players in the Alliance faction on every server will suck more than those playing as Horde.

Above: A typical example of what a fully geared level 80 Alliance Warrior looks like

It doesn’t matter if this is true. Everyone “knows” that Horde players are better, so you might as well roll with it and ride the coattails of the slightly more skilled masses.