Same old new year
Yes, It's that time of year once again, when running around naked and screaming "What year is this?" is no longer the sole domain of confused time traveller,s but a right of passage for every drunken reveler without a wristwatch. Huzzah! 2014 certainly was a hoot now wasn't it? Well aside from that time North Korea forced us to put Destiny at the top of our GOTY poll. No, not really , but I know a few of you wanted to believe it, didnt you? Muahah!
Ratchet wants to kick the drink
See that yellow shock of fur there? Yeah it's uh, not supposed to be like that. Seems Ratchet has been supping from the sauce bottle a wee bit too eagerly as of late, an activity that's all but put the kybosh on his interplanetary adventures. Clank meanwhile has taken to a life of petty crime, funding a nigh insatiable 'ladybot' habit via the sale of black market e-cigs. Truth be told, he'll pay just about anyone to yank his crankshaft these days, even good old captain Quark... As for that liquored up Lombax, Ratchet is planning to go sober in 2015, just as soon as he downs this next 'new year's liver-splitter'.
Pikachu wants to learn a new skill
Selective amnesia received a major PR facelift in the form of Pokmon Red & Blue. Old memories being wiped out by new ones? Sounds terrible, right? But introduce a set of indentured, uber cutesy animals into the mix and suddenly everything's gravy. 'Charmander forgot how to use "peripheral vision", but he learned "flamesplosion", 'Bulbasaur forgot how to tie his own shoelaces, but he learned "cut!"' - a state of affairs not unlike babysitting for an irate two year old. In keeping with his forgetful nature, Pikachu is planning to learn yet another new skill this year, just like he's been saying every NYE for the past 18 years
Batman wants to spend less time online
Aside from the odd impressive deduction, Arkham's brooding bat-bloke is really rather bad at detective work. For one thing, he's much too reliant on that neon-tinged gismo of his. Detective Vision? Pah! More like 'Defective Vision', amirite? Nope, no one? Suffice to say the mighty Sherlock Holmes wouldn't be seen dead wearing one of those. It's just well it's just plain cheating, isnt it? You're supposed to scan the environment for yourself, scrutinize the evidence, pit your wits against the world at large - not sign up for the 6 o'clock TRON tour. Judging by his New Year's resolution, Batman evidently agrees. Its time to fob off Oracle, hang up on Alfred and bid a fond farewell to those brightly coloured skeleton men. Bats is a big boy now, he can do his own damn DNA testing.
Poorly rendered background character F wants to see the world
Let's hear it for the unsung heroes of the video game landscape. No, not the guys and gals who forgo sleep, sustenance and acceptable hygiene standards in the name of developing great games - the folks I'm talking about right now are the background characters, those poorly-rendered, barely seen strangers who exist purely to pad out the periphery. These guys truly put the C in NPC, what with their mangled faces, Minecraft-like bodies and desperate 'please kill me' expressions. Surely they deserve something of a vacation - a chance to glimpse the world beyond the hellish extremities of Forza Horizon 2? Well that's exactly what crowd asset no. 11, aka hog lady, aka the phantom of the bleachers had in mind.
Big Boss wants to spend more time with the family
You just know that if the Snake family were a real thing, there'd be some god-awful TV show charting their every argument. "Liquid, did you use up the last of the shampoo? Curse you, there now exists a stylish, if ultimately tragic blood feud between us". They'd probably call it 'Breaking in with the Snakes' or 'Genome Shore' or something equally offensive. Come to think of it, maybe they'd be more like a travelling band - the Jackson 5 but with way less platform shoes and a few more pained soliloquies on the nature of fate. Anyhoo, this year Big Boss intends to spend more quality time with his psychotic sprogs. Good luck to him.
Scorpion wants to stop smoking
Deadlier than a spinal extraction, smellier than Mileena's mouthwash, smoking puts more folks out of action than a spiked ceiling trap. Cool but treacherous - like grabbing a quick selfie with Sub-Zero - smoking is an ever-present concern for MK's Scorpion. Hailing from Earthrealm (by way of the fiery pits of hell), Scorps has reason enough to be fuming, not least that incessantly flaming head of his. Add to that a bosom buddy in Smoke, aka the veritable poster boy for inconsiderate enablers, and you have one hard road ahead of this newly-quitting ninja.
Gordon Freeman wants to learn French
Gordon Freeman is a man of few words. Fortunately he's really rather handy with a crowbar and as such nobody seems to mind. Despite the fact that Valve have never deigned to offer a canonical reason for Freeman's silence, a shrill and girlish voice would seem to be the likely culprit. What better place to send him then than to mainland France. Ha ha! Take that France, that's for whatever it is we don't like about you at the minute, apparently
Asura wants to cut down on coffee
Yep, they're doing a 'caffeine cravings made him angry' joke, so just deal with it, okay? No, wait come back! It'll be great, I promise. We can poke fun at those teachers who were constantly tweaking back in high school. Weren't they amusing? With their mood swings and their violent adult tantrums? Good thing they weren't responsible for a legion of impressionable teens, right? You might say that Asura had even more on his plate, what with being a demigod accused of regicide, who then gets chucked off a cliff and killed, before reemerging as some sort of avenging angel. Yeah, that's plenty to be mad about, right? If only he'd had his morning coffee HAHAHAHAHA! No but seriously that dude needs to chill the hell out.
LocoRoco wants to get in shape
Plenty of folks feel like an amorphous blob monster by the time January 1st rolls around, what with all that Christmas dinner and New Year's tipple sloshing around in their stomachs. In LocoRoco's case, he/she or it actually is one. A monster, that is, not an ill-advised round of shots with the boss at the office Xmas party. It should come as no surprise then, that ol' Loco - as s/he's known to his/her eses in the barrio - would want to kickstart the new year with a fresh commitment to fitness. No more lazily cascading off metres-high cliffs, oh no - the newly improved Roco will slap the ground like a gelatinous thunder strike, rolling more like a cube and consequently killing off the entire franchise.
It'sa not gonna last five minutes!
"I felt a great disturbance in the festivities, as if a million gym memberships were suddenly set up, and were suddenly silenced" If you have any gaming resolutions you'd like to share with the class then feel free to post them to the comments section below. Happy New Year folks, may a small proportion of your dreams come true!
