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I'm not good enough. Every time my pathetic, crawling Elden Ring Nightreign character is revived, those words ring through my brain: I'm. Not. Good Enough.
When I see another player dashing over to save my fading character, two emotions swirl within me like oil and vinegar, refusing to mix. I feel grateful for their aid, yet deeply ashamed that I require it so often. I know I'm the weak link in this boss fight. We all do. Anxiety rears its knotted head and conspiratorially whispers: "the other players probably have a chat right now about how useless you are."
The Everdark within
Elden Ring Nightreign review: "An uncharacteristically frantic and fast-paced ride that boils down the core Elden Ring experience"
The hurried pace of the Days in Nightreign drag up feelings of inadequacy from my childhood, namely the frustration of being the youngest sibling who cannot keep up with the others.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to match the pace of other players as they race between Churches and Mines. I can't shake the sinking feeling that I'm one Spirit Spring away from being left behind to die. I cannot keep up with Limveld's world, in the same way I cannot keep up with the real world and its rising pressures.
As soon as my fellow players' feet touch the grounds of Limveld, they confidently stride to areas and it feels as though they know something I don't. There is clearly a plan between them that I'm not in on. And just like that, I feel like I'm back at high school, a social outcast who is excluded from all the in-jokes, camaraderie and plans.
Sometimes when I'm playing Nightreign it feels like I'm watching other people have fun from behind glass. On the occasions where I do break through and manage to remain with the group, the night falls and I am reminded of how crushingly little I have to offer the team.
The base game, Elden Ring, never made me feel this bad about myself. In fact, quite the opposite. But then, in regular old Elden Ring, the pressures and failures are yours alone to carry upon your shoulders. Your many, many deaths become your own scars from which you will eventually learn and grow strong. In Elden Ring, you just have to keep going. In Nightreign, I don't even know where I should be going.
Delusions of failure
Maybe, I’m not as bad at Nightreign as I think I am. Maybe, I just need to stop comparing myself to other players
When it comes to the shared challenge of Nightreign, working together against the clock, I stumble. Each time I matchmake with 2 new random players, I vow to myself that this time will be different. I will be a worthy Wylder for once.
How quickly those self promises turn into delusions, as I repeatedly die upon the first Nightfall and desperately yearn for an "I'm sorry" gesture to be added to the game.
It may surprise you to hear that I have 34 of 37 available PS5 trophies for Nightreign. It’s still a surprise to me every time I see them. My anxiety-riddled brain screams I must have achieved them by mistake, but perhaps the only real mistake I’m making is perceiving myself to be an incompetent Nightfarer?
Maybe, I’m not as bad at Nightreign as I think I am. Maybe, I just need to stop comparing myself to other players in a co-op multiplayer game.
After all, it’s about working together to defeat a boss, not working against yourself by letting other players impeccably timed dodges make you feel inadequate. There’s no reason for me to be in competition with my fellow Limveld cohorts over who is the most worthy Nightfarer.
Whatever role I played in all my multiplayer Nightreign victories, big or small, the win was achieved by all of us. I am not merely a fraud who clutches the talons of other soaring players like a Spectral Hawk. I contributed to this fight, regardless of what my imposter syndrome thinks.
But until I can defeat the Everdark that is my own anxiety, I will probably feel like a burden in Nightreign no matter what I do. Yet, as soon as I hear those boss soundtracks and see those surreal visuals, a frenzied flame of my own ignites and I am determined to git gud. No matter how long it takes. I love this game and still believe one day it will love me and my crippling self doubts back.
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