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Mere words can't really convey the sheer preposterousness of Deep Rising, a creature feature that makes Anaconda seem a model of plausibility. The 'plot' sees a group of mercenaries hijacking a luxury cruise ship on its maiden voyage in the storm-tossed South China Sea, only to discover the vessel is mysteriously deserted. But, unlike the legendary Marie Celeste, we're soon privy to the fate of the passengers and crew: they've been sucked dry of their water and eaten by a squid-like sea monster.

It's Alien on a liner as Williams and his expendable crew are brutally offed, one by nervous one. Unfortunately, the atrocious dialogue, from the brain of writer/director Sommers, had the preview audience hooting with laughter, while the CG creatures aren't remotely scary or threatening. The bemused cast also flounder spectacularly: for example, Jason Flemyng's turn as a Cockney soldier-of-fortune is truly embarrassing.

Aiming for thrills and tension, Deep Rising fails on both counts. It's entertaining in a "I can't believe this tosh" way, but climaxes with an ending that leaves ample room for a sequel. Fat chance.