Pitch: Instigate World War 3 by hijacking US and Russian spacecraft, leaving China to emerge as the new superpower.
Flaws: An ostentatious base inside a hollowed-out volcano that is only too vulnerable to ninja attack.
Suggestions: Real estate is expensive. Next time limit your liabilities by locating your scheme on a floating oil tanker.
On Her Majestys Secret Service (1969)
Pitch: Employ a bevy of brainwashed beauties to carry germs back to their respective countries, then blackmail the world with the threat of bacteriological armageddon.
Flaws: Girls are so fickle and will happily spill the beans about your top-secret plan to the first secret agent who comes along in a kilt.
Suggestions: Genetically modified crops will have the same effect – and they’re legal!
Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Pitch: Launch a diamond-encrusted satellite into space, then use its in-built ray gun to destroy nuclear installations in America, Russia and China.
Flaws: As Tiffany Case points out at the end of the film, how the hell do you get those diamonds down again?
Suggestions: Give the gems to Damien Hurst and get him to do you another one of his bling skulls.
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Pitch: Start a global apocalypse with missiles taken from hijacked nuclear submarines, then begin a new underwater civilisation from your subterranean base.
Flaws: What are you going to do when the oxygen runs out, you web-fingered loon?
Suggestions: Turn your submersible hideout into a five-star hotel. Hell, you could get Jaws to be the concierge.
Moonraker (1979)
Pitch: Eradicate all human life on Earth with a lethal toxin, then start mankind afresh with the perfect specimens you’ve got squirreled away in your orbiting space station.
Flaws: Wouldn’t your “invisible” space station be visible to anyone with a telescope?
Suggestions: Don’t run before you can walk. Test your scheme on a continent no one will notice has been depopulated - Australia, for example.
A View To A Kill (1985)
Pitch: Manipulate an earthquake in California that will flood Silicon Valley, leaving you with a lucrative monopoly in the microchip market.
Flaws: The world could simply ride out the crisis just by using the silicon in Pamela Anderson’s breast implants.
Suggestions: Murder Pamela Anderson first. Oh, and while you’re at it, ice that slag Jordan as well.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Pitch: Get exclusive broadcast rights in China by making it appear as if Great Britain has declared war.
Flaws: Your company’s initials for a start. CMGN – Carver Media Group Network – looks like an abbreviation of curmudgeon.
Suggestions: Buy up the rights to the Olympics in 2012. After hosting the games themselves, Chinese officials will be fighting tooth and nail for the TV rights to show how badly our version compares.
The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.
