Bond Month: The most ludicrous plots for world domination

You Only Live Twice (1967)

Pitch: Instigate World War 3 by hijacking US and Russian spacecraft, leaving China to emerge as the new superpower.

Suggestions: Real estate is expensive. Next time limit your liabilities by locating your scheme on a floating oil tanker.

On Her Majestys Secret Service (1969)

Pitch: Employ a bevy of brainwashed beauties to carry germs back to their respective countries, then blackmail the world with the threat of bacteriological armageddon.

Suggestions: Genetically modified crops will have the same effect – and they’re legal!

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Pitch: Launch a diamond-encrusted satellite into space, then use its in-built ray gun to destroy nuclear installations in America, Russia and China.

Suggestions: Give the gems to Damien Hurst and get him to do you another one of his bling skulls.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Pitch: Start a global apocalypse with missiles taken from hijacked nuclear submarines, then begin a new underwater civilisation from your subterranean base.

Suggestions: Turn your submersible hideout into a five-star hotel. Hell, you could get Jaws to be the concierge.

Moonraker (1979)

Pitch: Eradicate all human life on Earth with a lethal toxin, then start mankind afresh with the perfect specimens you’ve got squirreled away in your orbiting space station.

Suggestions: Don’t run before you can walk. Test your scheme on a continent no one will notice has been depopulated - Australia, for example.

A View To A Kill (1985)

Pitch: Manipulate an earthquake in California that will flood Silicon Valley, leaving you with a lucrative monopoly in the microchip market.

Suggestions: Murder Pamela Anderson first. Oh, and while you’re at it, ice that slag Jordan as well.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Pitch: Get exclusive broadcast rights in China by making it appear as if Great Britain has declared war.

Suggestions: Buy up the rights to the Olympics in 2012. After hosting the games themselves, Chinese officials will be fighting tooth and nail for the TV rights to show how badly our version compares.