Battle Royale: Movie Runners

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Joggers vs. sprinters in this fast-paced face-off

Walking, as we all know, is for girls and old people.

Real men perambulate by having both feet off the floor at the same time: in short, they run. And boy, do they like to get a canter going in movieland.

Obviously, we feel it’s our duty to sort the ‘cool runnings’ from the ‘jog ons'.

And then do it as an epic, Lycra-clad, spike-shoed Battle Royale sort of thing.

On your marks, get set... FIGHT!

Harrison Ford, The Fugitive (1993)

Streaks past...

Steven Seagal, Pistol Whipped (2008)



Oh dear me - where to start? The bizarre ‘ruler up the sleeve’ arm positioning? The egregiously wobbly gunplay? Or the utterly counterproductive blind pirouetting? Oi, Stevo - rule one of running (a popular method of ‘hurrying up’): face in the direction you’d like to go. Helps enormously.

Speed : Suitably graveyard-respecting, 2

Power : Like a spinning top in its final throes, 3

Manliness : Pfft, we’re HIDING now? 2

Next: Mel Gibson vs Brad Pitt

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Mel Gibson, Gallipolli (1981)



There’s something genuinely heartwarming about the (admittedly quite brief) sight of a bloke truly gasping, flailing and snorting his way to the goal in pure everyman desperation. This is what we ‘norms’ look like when we run for a bus, or last orders.

Speed : A proper lick for 100+ degrees in the shade, 8

Power : Those 1916 khakis must weigh three stone, 9

Manliness : Some light whimpering, but a solid 6


Leaves for dead...


Brad Pitt, Across The Tracks (1991)



Proving that you don’t need to be built like a traction engine to get up a good head of steam, Brad’s strong-out-of-the-blocks start is utterly ruined by that ludicrously preppy posture. Balancing an imaginary tea-tray on your head is no way to roll, kiddo.

Speed : Flying without breaking a sweat, 7

Power : Not nearly thunderous enough of hoof, 4

Manliness : Hair-bouncingly puppyish, 2

Next: Tom Cruise vs The Cast Of The Shining

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Tom Cruise, Mission: Impossible III (2006)



The first two M:I flicks made it fairly apparent that Tom was no slouch when it came to hot-footing it after bad guys/away from large exploding things. But actually running through MID-AIR, as glimpsed in this teaser? Another. Level.

Speed : Close to terminal velocity, 9

Power : Limited by Earth’s wussy gravitational pull, 6

Manliness : Makes the ‘air bicycle’ acceptable again, 8


Easily skinning...


Everyone, The Shining (1980)



Ok, so Jack’s got a gammy leg, but his wheezy “I’m right behind ya!†sounds more like a deluded self-help mantra than a threat to his rapidly escaping child. Ms Duval, meanwhile, attempts to flee The Overlook by walking like a Thunderbird.

Speed : Like next winter will do, 1

Power : Wheeeeere’s Johnny? 3

Manliness : “Yes, it’s perfect for a child.†2

 

Next: Ewan McGregor vs Corey Feldman

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Ewan McGregor, Trainspotting (1996)



Everyone else on this list might have less dubious reasons for ‘doing one’ - and we’re not condoning Renton’s shoplifting by including him - but crikey, the lad can shift. And in Converse All-Star, too: those Glaswegian pavements are as hard as the rest of the city, y’know.

Speed : Heroin actually, but still, 8

Power : We can almost feel the burn from here, 10

Manliness : On the wrong end of the chase, 5


Eating dust...


Corey Feldman, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004)


(skip to 8:05)

Feldman, playing some sort of scientist dressed as his own father, fails to outrun a ten-inch-tall plastic doll despite the 20-yard head start. Blame the excess corduroy if you will, but there’s still no excuse for his truly pitiful corridor shuffle. Except maybe acute diarrhoea.

Speed : Workplace Health %26 Safety compliant, 3

Power : Flap-flap-flap-flap, 2

Manliness : Frightened of doll, caught by doll, 1

Next: Franka Potente vs Ian Charleson

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Franka Potente, Run Lola Run (1998)

Making light work of a highly unsuitable ensemble - naively pairing snug, lime-green slacks with clodhopping army boots - Lola cuts an impressive swathe through urban Berlin. And, after a fashion, time itself. An admirable effort.

Speed : Varies from run to run, so 5

Power : Head up, arms flexed, 8

Manliness : In the most patronisingly complementary sense, 7


Blazes away from...


Ian Charleson, Chariots Of Fire (1981)

A fly-catcher of the first water, our Christian-playing hero’s lower jaw seems to come unhinged at the pistol crack, then gradually widens until he finally crosses the line looking like a man trying to gob-off an invisible whale.

Speed : Ok, yes, he’s nippy, 8

Power : Cruelly afflicted by the dread ‘windmill arms’, 3

Manliness : Apparently not next to Godliness, 3

Next: GRUDGE MATCH! - Cruise vs Seagal

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GRUDGE MATCH:


Tom Cruise, pretty much anything


Wow, who’d have thunk it? Deceptively explosive horsepower in a compact and bijou frame, which gives him superb handling on tight bends and is, quite literally, a fanny magnet. Shame about the Thetans in the glove box, but hey.

Speed : Tom Cruise runs like he’s late for Dianetics practice, 10

Power : Tom Cruise runs like he’s powering Freewinds with a treadmill, 9

Manliness : TOM CRUISE RUNS LIKE A MAN, 10


Makes slug-meat of...

Steven Seagal, pretty much anything


Sweet Jesus, the horror. Like, what exactly is going on here, Stevey boy? You look like your legs are on backwards. You’d have a better chance of catching criminals by running in front of them, then striking when they’re paralysed with mirth.

Speed : Steven Seagal runs like ET in stilettos.

Power : Steven Seagal runs like he’s carrying ALL the shopping.

Manliness : STEVEN SEAGAL RUNS LIKE A GIRL.

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