Calm down now. And write something. Colour back on cheeks, calm… Write something. Yep, Total Film has just seen half an hour of Transformers footage and is more excited than a boy child who’s caught first glimpse of a neighbour’s sunbathing breast. The exclusive footage was beamed to a select bunch of eager beavers in some top secret London venue (erm, the Odeon) by big-wig producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura just hours ago and has whet the appetite more than we ever really thought was possible. Yonks back, director Michael Bay told us that he was looking for a Back To The Future vibe of humour and action and you know what? We reckons he’s done it.
Oh shut up, you shout, what did you see? Thanks for asking. Basically, the footage was split into four different scenes, some talky, some roboty. First off, curtains open, lights dimmed… And we’re in Qatar, some US army bods heading for some frickin’ recon. Chatter, basketball, loved ones… Unidentified object in the air. A helicopter, moving stealthily and scarily towards army base. Ignoring threats of “lethal force”, it lands… Beat. Army noises. Beat. Lock’n’load… Beat. Sodding hell, it’s changing into something. Hello Blackout, you bad boy Decepticon. A blast of EMP here, a blast of EMP there and everything takes a hit like a punched-drunk, past-it Bruno fighting a steroid-stacked Tyson. Exhilarating.
Next up, it’s cuter… Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and pal travelling their geeky arses to a cool Jock party. Where Mikaela (Megan Fox) is looking impossibly sexy in her shorts and bendy, bumpy body – all tits, arse and more tits and arse. And a really pretty face. And legs. And it is in this scene that Bay’s movie sets its Back To The Future marker. It’s funny. The dialogue is snappy. The jokes are good. Shock, horror – a blockbuster with massive mechanoids and humane humans. Oh, and LaBeouf is brilliant. Stone, cold brilliant.
Bit tired now, after all the excitement, but must press onwards. To the best of the lot… the third scene, in and outside Sam’s house. Meet Optimus Prime and a couple of his Autobot gang, hiding out in the backyard. Which is funny just to read. Robots, hiding in suburbia. How mad is that? Mad. Anyway, much sneaking around ensues, with robot talking and that FUNNY, SNAPPY dialogue we talked about earlier. And then John Turturro turns up, as Simmons, Head Of Sector 7, a super secret, secret government secretive group with eyes on these weird goings on. And Turturro is stupendously funny. Stupendously funny!
And there’s a fourth scene with a really hard robot, but we’re really tired now, need a lie down and are just too stoked to write. And that’s the first time we’ve ever written stoked. Weird times. Check out Buzz in Total Film Issue 129, on sale 10 May for that fourth scene, and more info on the other three. And roll on 27 July.