For every big film that arrives, there's a rack of low-budget bandwagon-jumpers.
But shameless, straight-to-DVD studio The Asylum doesn’t bother to even wait for films to be released. If there’s a blockbuster in the offing, they’ve got a cheapie version ready to go before the print on the original is dry...
The Day The Earth Stopped (2008)
It’s a bit like: The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008/1951)
What’s the plot? Much like in the Keanu version. We’re all doomed. A man from space bears a message of destruction.
Er, except in this one, there’s a really, REALLY big robot who looks like he belongs in the old Star Fleet puppet show. Oh, and a hot chick who is apparently also here to wipe us out.
Why the alien threat needs both of ‘em is not adequately explained in the trailer.
Will act for food: Judd Nelson and C Thomas Howell. Howell even directs!
How does it compare? The effects are decidedly ropier. And The Eifel Tower gets destroyed, which we don’t recall from either of the original films. Can't be much worse than the pointless, finger-wagging Keanu redux.[Page-break]
The Terminators (2009)
It’s a bit like: Terminator Salvation (2009)
What’s the plot? Robots and cyborgs built to serve man get re-programmed and go on a rampage to take us all out
Why? Um, based on the trailer, we’re going to go with… aliens?
Will act for food: Jeremy London
How does it compare? We're not sure how he team avoided being sued by Warners, Sony, Jim Cameron and notoriously litigious Outer Limits writer Harlan Ellison.
While the alien plot does add some new elements into the story, it doesn’t quite make up for the cut-and-paste story rip-off feel
And confusingly, it also seems to feature the Eagle space ships from Space 1999 and the moment from Race To Witch Mountain where the kid – or in this case, cyborg warrior – destroys a car by standing in the way. Audacious and messy.[Page-break]
It’s a bit like: Transformers (2007)
What’s the plot? In a stunning break from the Asylum sci-fi norm, an alien race has conquered the planet and humanity must fight back.
Think Transformers if the Decepticons won (and were much crappier CG). 400 years later humanity’s in a pitch battle to survive.
So, Terminator meets Transformers, then…
Will work for food: No-one of note. Shame they didn't wheel in Michael Ironside.
How does it compare? Like we said, it’s one of the furthest away from the 'source' material, probably to avoid the explodey wrath of the Bay and, more importantly, Paramount’s lawyers.
But that hasn’t stopped them from knocking out a sequel for this year – Transmorphers: The Fall Of Man , starring Will-Appear-In-Anything Poster-Boy, Tron’s Bruce Boxleitner.[Page-break]
2012: Doomsday (2008)
It’s a bit like: 2012 (2009)
What’s the plot? The Mayan calendar ends on December 21st, 2012. This has been interpreted as the end of the world, and Earth-shattering events will take place.
Most of it will be really bad weather, then volcanoes, earthquakes and all that Really Bad Stuff.
Four strangers are brought together to see if they can make the weather better...
Will work for food: The esteemed Dale Midkiff
How does it compare? Actually, they’re out ahead of the game on this one - and could easily make the argument that Roland Emmerich is stealing from the… Well, no... It can't quite decide if it's ripping off 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow .
Still, the idea of 2012 as an apocalyptic story is public-domain enough. Expect to see much more of this leading up to the doomsdate.
Oh, and it’s one of their more impressive offerings, boasting a budget of... (Dr Evil voice) $1 million![Page-break]
Death Racers (2008)
It’s a bit like: Death Race (2008)
What’s the plot? Four crazed teams of racers are pitted against each other in a brutal future where violence is a way of life.
The only way to win is to survive and the only way to survive is to make sure everyone else loses. And by 'loses' we of course mean 'dies'.
There’s also some sub-plot about a fella trying to destroy the world.
Will work for food: WWE wrestler Raven
How does it compare? Measured against the Paul WS Anderson version? It actually looks like fun - at least holding to the values of Roger Corman’s original Death Race 2000 , with the cross-country aspect and the crazier teams.
And we'd include the Insane Clown Posse in the 'will work for food' section, but they seem to be the spearheads/creative force behind this charming little chunk of carmageddon.[Page-break]
Journey To The Center Of The Earth (2008)
It’s a bit like: Journey To The Center Of The Earth (2008)
What’s the plot? In a blend of Journey (helpfully in the public domain) and The Abyss (not so much), a research team gets trapped beneath the surface and a high-tech drilling rig must be employed to help rescue them.
Along the way, the heroic rescuers encounter strange animals and plants… And plenty of danger. But no Brendan Fraser.
Will work for food: Greg Evigan
How does it compare? Well, it’s not in 3D, that’s for sure. Most of the actors don’t quite seem to break free of 2D either.
But hey! Dinosaurs! GIant spiders! And you could pretend it's in 3D by persistently rocking your head close/far-away from the screen.[Page-break]
I Am Omega (2007)
It’s a bit like: I Am Legend (2007)
What’s the plot? Meet Renchard. He’s the last man on Earth, apparently. And he’s surrounded by badly masked zombie/vampire type blokes.
Will work for food: Mark Dacascos IS Renchard.
How does it compare? Calling it 'Omega' doesn’t fool anyone into thinking this isn’t ripped straight from the Will Smith and/or Charlton Heston version (The Omega Man) of Richard Matheson’s book.
In fact, calling it 'Omega' and not, say, 'Alpha' or 'Gamma' or something actively feels like a cheeky challenge to Matheson's/Heston's lawyers.
Dacascos has the advantage that he knows more cool martial arts moves than Will Smith. And we’re at least intrigued to see how they pull off extended scenes where Dacascos and his monstoid enemies are supposed to be the only people in major urban areas. Out with the hooky copy of Photoshop!
Liked This? Then see:
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- 7 Weird Ways To Fund A Low Budget Movie
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